I cry more than I smile

DEFINITELY NOT out of depression yet. I'm so thinking of death.
Every time I'm on the bus, I want another vehicle to hit me, head on so I can die immediately, without pain, without a second thought. When I'm walking on the street, I want a banner, a metal sign to fucking fall and hit me and crush every bone in my body, no pain, no fuss and bye-bye world. Or maybe by some strike of evil, an earthquake happens and I die within seconds. Or at an hotspot like Causeway Bay, some evil guy will place a bomb there as a terrorist attack and I happen to be standing next to it then BAM!!! I disintegrate before I fucking know it.
But I really want to live. I want to join the Olympics for Horse Riding. I want to go to boarding school. I want to go to my dream university. I want to have a family and raise my parents because they raised me. I want to get my dream job. I want to travel the world, ride the scariest roller coasters ever. I want to retire and write a few novels. I want to see the book I'm writing now to be published soon. I want to live a full life. But I don't know. Maybe I should pack all my stuff when my folks are out and pursue my dream alone, but I don't have the money.
I don't have the power. I'm just a kid. Just a kid.
I found another 2 fucking reasons I loathe this bitch school.
1. I'm from an INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL. Emphasis on the INTERNATIONAL!! My sec school is a LOCAL SCHOOL. EVERYTHING is different!! Syllabus. Math, English, Science is way harder at my previous school so it's not nice to be stuck on the same thing for almost a year until I get to know something new. C'mon, I don't go to school to revise! I go to school to learn new stuff!!!!
2. NO ONE IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL THINKS LIKE ME OR JOSE (my greatest friend ever, she came from my previous school so we get along real nice). It's so annoying to explain EVERYTHING!! No one gets us, not ever.
My dad just asked me why I was so sad and never smiled. I just stared at him and continued eating dinner.
My mom asked me the same and I wanted to scream at them "I HATE THIS SCHOOL!! IT'S CAUSING ME SO MUCH PAIN! IF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT, WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? I'M NOT THE SMART ONE, THE OLDER ONE, THE PARENT. YOU FUCKING ARE! WHY CAN'T YOU OPEN YOUR DAMN MIND AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE!!"
Then I want to break down in front of them. And cry. And cry.
Then I want to run. Run until the sun dies out. Run until I leave all my sorrows and pain behind.
Run until my heart is free of sadness and full of happiness.
Just keep running.
Keep running.