Too Late To Regret

So I've finally handed in my English story and now I shall post it! It's my very first short story that I did on my own. Enjoy...

Is it too late? * It’s too late.

Too Late to Regret

Rachel Yu

For loony_loopy_laura and padfoot4ever,

Who prepared me for everything.

James and Lily,

Who started it all and taught me so much.

All my friends in between

For just…being there.


Last but not least, 
For the person who believes in me so strongly as Zach does in Cass,
The one who can't imagine me crying. 
Thank you so much for saying that, even if it was on Facebook chat. 
I've said it in your voice in my head 
And it was my strength to carry on in the most hellish occasions.
You have no idea how amazed I was when you said that.
It changed my life.
Thank you.

The sound of my keys dropping on top of the shoe cupboard echo around the apartment, it’s completely silent and dark. Not a single light is turned on. The furniture in the living room are illuminated by the soft glow of street lamps outside.

Cassandra’s fluffy slippers are still placed neatly next to the door, waiting for their owner to slip her tired feet in them. The master bedroom’s door is wide open and the blinds are not drawn. She still hasn’t come back. She’s not appearing in the doorway of the kitchen, holding a cup of warm tea. She’s not in any of the armchairs, curled up with a good book. She’s not padding sleepily out of the bedroom, greeting me with a confused, ‘Zach, where were you?’ It’s almost midnight and the apartment is empty. 

She couldn’t have gone out for a drink. Cass doesn’t like drinking. She doesn’t like to go out too late and she hates hangovers. She values her sleep and health too much.

She couldn’t have been called to the Emergency Room either. Her car is still in the parking lot. Her white doctor’s coat with a golden badge that had ‘Cassandra Devereux’ engraved on it is still hung in place next to the door and her working heels are placed tidily in the shoe cupboard, all ready for their owner to grab them and rush to the hospital at any moment.

I don't even bother to flip on the light switch as I sink onto the couch and idly turned on my iPhone. She might have left me a voicemail while…I was with Eva. I had bailed my own wedding anniversary for my other girlfriend. I shuddered as I imagined the interrogation Cass would give me when she came home.

My thoughts were broken as my iPhone screen lit up. The screensaver appeared; momentarily mesmerizing me ¾ it was a picture of Cass and I on our honeymoon. We were on the beach. I had my arm around her shoulders while hers were wrapped around my waist. Her beautiful smiling face gazed up at me with her piercing green eyes while flaming red hair flowed around her face in loose curls. A handful of freckles splashed across her creamy complexion. I smiled as I remembered the days in high school when I used to tease her by calling her ‘Freckles’ or ‘Red’.

Next to Cass’s vivid red hair and emerald orbs, I probably looked like a ghost. Ridiculously pale skin, light blue eyes and platinum blonde hair. It was complete contrast with each other but our friends always said we were so compatible because we were so different. Whatever Cass didn’t have, I did. Whatever I don’t have, it only appeared when Cass was around. I was so pale but she was practically glowing. I let out a half laugh at the memory and my blonde hair falls effortlessly into my eyes.

Cass used to tell me that my little quirk my long fringe falling into my eyes was the first thing that attracted her. But Eva had asked me a million times to just cut it off. I smirk at the two comments. It was interesting to see two people looking at the same person and speaking so differently.

I fingered in the passcode and tapped on the Call History app. I had seven voicemails. Six of them were from Cass and the last one was from an unfamiliar number.

I played the first one. It was sent at around noon. Cass must have called me when she was having her lunch break. I was already spending time with Eva at a bookshop.

“Hey Zach, do you remember what tonight is? It’s our second anniversary! Remember at school when you still teased me about my freckles? We’ve gone a long way, haven’t we? Anyways, I’ll booked La Reve at six tonight. See you!”

Her voice was bubbly and giddy, she sounded positively excited about our date at six. She had laughed as she remembered our days at school. Her familiar peal of laughter was like music to my ears. I loved hearing her laugh. I hadn’t heard it for a while now. Probably because I was busy listening to Eva’s high pitched giggle.

I scrolled down the list and played the second voicemail. It was sent at six, the time for our dinner date. I hadn’t shown up, of course. I was with Eva at the fisherman’s wharf, strolling along the boardwalk, admiring the orange sunset. I could still remember the strong salty smell of the sea and fish.

“Hey, Zach. I’m at the La Reve already. I’m at Table Twelve, you know, the one next to the aquariums. Love you. Later!”

A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips. Table Twelve at the La Reve was where we had our first date. I had a particular fondness for the fish tank. While we ate, the rainbow-colored coral and the tropical fishes swimming happily around would distract me. Cass had chuckled at me but she  actually knew quite a bit about marine animals so we had spent a good part of our date discussing if the clownfish or the angelfish was more adorable. Cass won the debate, obviously.

I played the third one. It was sent at six thirty. I was at Eva’s home and eating her delicious homemade spaghetti.

“Zachary Devereux! Where in the bloody hell are you? Have you forgotten what was tonight? I’ve been waiting for you for thirty minutes! You’d better hurry up and get your sorry self over here RIGHT NOW! Call me back. NOW. Or else…”

I winced at her scornful words. She was hissing and spitting fire, even the air around my phone felt warm. The woman might look nice and gentle since she was a doctor and all but she can really scold. In fact, it was better if there weren’t any sharp or dangerous objects nearby. Sometimes, her temper would make me hate that I ever met her. But it also made me so glad that I did.

I tapped on the next voicemail. It was sent around eight o’ clock. Cass probably had finished her dinner, being the healthy perfectionist she was. Eva and

I were lounging on the couch, eating junk food and watching Spiderman. I had turned off my mobile to watch the movie in peace.

“Zachary! How could you not show up tonight? Did something happen to you? Why couldn't you come? Where. Are. You? Don’t bother to show up at the restaurant now. I’m going home. You don’t have to pick me up. I’ll walk home by myself.”

She was snarling in a low and dangerous voice now, her tone was sarcastic in a very bad way. I could imagine Cass hissing through her teeth, trying to keep her temper under control in a public area. She was absolutely furious at me. I didn’t blame her for being angry. I deserved to be hated and kicked in the head.

I listened carefully and noticed her voice was a bit muffled and nasal, like she had a cold. I was pretty sure she had been crying. I flinched at the very thought of Cass crying. It was practically against the force of nature. She was so strong, so sensible, so beautiful… Cassandra was the person who wiped away tears and helped others back on their feet. She wasn’t supposed to break down. It was hard to imagine her crying.

The fifth voicemail was sent around ten minutes after the last one. I raised my eyebrows. Why was she calling so frequently?

“Zach…I’ve started walking home. T-t-there are some people following me. Zach, where are you? Please pick me up! I’m scared! They’re getting closer! Zach?”

Cass’s voice was trembling and sounded strangled. It was frightened and weak. I could hear her breathing. Her breaths were coming in short and shallow puffs. Was she hyperventilating? She was alone in the darkness. Someone or something was moving there, coming closer. She was cold, scared and alone in the dark. No one was there next to her to protect her. I was still at Eva’s home at the time, curled up together on the couch, dozing off.

The sixth and final voicemail from Cass was sent just three minutes after the fifth. Something was definitely wrong.

“Zach? ZACH! Where are you? They won’t stop following me! They’re so close now! Zach, h-hel¾”

There was a loud ‘thunk!’ and a burst of static. I heard a high, feminine scream. It sent shivers down my spine. It was the sound of pure agony and terror.

Then the gunshot cut through the night.

After the gunshot, there was nothing. Not even the sound of breathing. Not even my breathing. No, no, no… I pleaded silently in my head. She has to be all right. She has to be fine. Please, don’t take her away from me. I can’t lose her! Please… Cass, say SOMETHING!

But there was still no reply. Then the line went dead. I closed my eyes and swallowed. An icy stone had dropped into my stomach. I wanted to throw up, smash myself against the wall and scream out loud all at the same time.

Closing my eyes again, I let out a shaky breath and played the seventh voicemail, sent around an hour after the last. I was on the highway, driving back into the city.

“Mr. Devereux, sir? Your wife has been found unconscious on the streets and is now in the Intensive Care Unit. We have a feeling that she won’t be mak¾”

The machine that had been making a rhythmic beeping noise in the background had merged into one long beep. I heard the doctors call for nurses. Hot tears start to stream down my cheek and my chest was constricting so much that I could barely breathe. The phone hung up, leaving me in silence. The news hadn’t begun to sink in yet, but it kept hitting me subconsciously. Like this was all a bad dream. I just had to pinch myself and I would wake up on my bed next to a perfectly fine Cassandra.

But in dreams, you can’t feel the tears. You can’t feel the cursed iPhone weighting more than it should in your palms. You can’t feel the pain or the demonic urge to scream and vomit. You don’t feel suffocated or faint.

I wanted it to stop. I couldn’t take it.

If I had been there, Cass would be alive. If I had been there, none of this would have happened. If I had been there, we would have been safe. I would still be able to hear her laugh, see her smile or even hear her shout for hours at me.

But NO. I had to spend the day with Eva. I had to go to the wharf and look at the sunset. I had to drive to her home, watch old movies and eat spaghetti. I HAD to turn off my iPhone. I had to cheat on Cass.

This was my entire fault.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had already switched off my iPhone and tossed it carelessly on the couch. I stand up and shove on my shoes again, with my gaze fixed on my hands. I couldn’t bring myself to even look at anything in the apartment. It was too painful. Every piece of furniture screamed memories of Cassandra. Memories that made me hate myself because I didn’t treasure them enough. I don’t even bother to take my keys or jacket as I open the front door and slam it shut.

I quickly make my way over to the elevator buttons, my shoes scraping across the tiled floor of the corridor. I jab the first button, it had an arrow pointing up printed on it. As I wait, I watch the bright orange numbers that showed which floor the elevator was at grow blurry. My tears hadn’t stopped. They were still flowing freely down my nose and cheeks.

I didn’t feel like I needed to put on a mask to hide my sadness because I was a guy. I didn’t feel like I had to be strong for anyone now. There was no one to be strong for.

I let them fall. In fact, I didn’t want them to stop. Perhaps this was the last thing I could do for Cass¾to let all my love for her to finally show itself fully to the world. To let my heart bleed. To just cry for her.

The familiar ding of the elevator sounds throughout the corridor and I slowly entered the lift. I lifted my trembling hand and pressed the topmost button.

‘R’¾for Rooftop.

I lean against the railing that wrapped around the walls of the lift. I can feel the cool mirror under my back, its iciness seeping through my shirt and gripping my skin. I wondered if Cass was as cold as the mirror right now. I couldn’t stop imagining her pale, motionless face.

Would her face be calm and peaceful? Just like she was sleeping? Maybe she was even smiling; she would never know that the love of her life had cheated on her. Or maybe her brows would be scrunched up together from the pain of her last moments. Would her mouth in a tight grimace from the disappointment that I didn’t show up? The images flashed through my head, each one more painful than the next. I start gulping in deep breaths; bubbles of air scraping roughly down my throat. It was too horrible to bear.

I wished that I could at least touch her face again. At least run my hand through her vivid red hair one last time. At least squeeze her hand one more time and smile at her. At least look into her emerald green eyes once more. I wished I could at least have said good-bye.

The ding rang through the elevator and the doors slid silently open. I walked into a small room that was way too small to be an entire floor. It was lit with harsh white lights with a few wooden crates stacked untidily in the corner. Without thinking about it, without even allowing my body to do so, I head straight to a heavy metal door with a small window opposite the elevator doors. I push on the bar across the door and was greeted with a strong gust of wind.

I watch my shadow fall across the cold, concrete floor of the rooftop. It was tall, thin and dressed in black. I looked like I was attending a funeral. I sat down at the edge of the building, my legs dangling down into nothingness. I glance down. Forty floors below were the still busy streets. I could see the yellow cabs and expensive BMWs whizzing down the street and buses rumbling steadily next to the curb, stopping occasionally to let off a passenger or two. It would be noisy down there, the air full of exhaust and car honks. But up here, it was quiet. Peaceful. The wind is whipping through my hair and blowing across my face. It feels good. Comforting even.

I tilted my chin and gazed across the harbor and at the skyline at the opposite bank. It was a swirl of yellow, red and blue dots. Cass used to spend hours looking at it. She said it reminded her of the stars from her childhood. At that memory, Cass’s face swept into view again. I couldn’t help it, one thought lead to another.

More tears streamed down my face. I even took off my glasses to cry freely, making the city lights blur into golden blobs. My gasps and moans echoed around me before the harbor wind swept them away. I could barely recognize my own sounds. The sounds I heard belonged to someone who was walking on the thin line of insanity. The person should belong in some kind of mental hospital. He was driven to the end of his wits.  

I slowly shake my head as more hot tears splattered on my shirt. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be sitting here, on the edge of the building. A tiny voice in my head is screaming for my to stop. Get up. And walk away. But reality shoots him down like a sniper.

I could scream and shout for Cass to come back. But she’s never coming back. Never. She’s never going to return. The only person who really knows me, trust me, loves me… I could never kiss her soft lips again. Never again hold her hand. Never again hear her voice laughing or talking.

She’s dead and it’s because of you. Entirely YOU. It’s the truth, Zach. How can you live with yourself? A gasp of despair escapes me once the words formed in my head, and I could feel my breathing increase so rapidly that I can barely exhale. I have half a mind to lurch forward and give myself a gentle little push. I could do it. It was so easy. To just fall and fall and fall…into nothing.

You took away your own happily ever after with your own hands, Zach. You had it all in your hands. Cass could have lived. She could be next to you, smiling. You could have a family. You could have grown old with her. You could be happy. It didn’t have to end this way… It’s all gone now. Stolen. Vanished. Taken.

The more I think about this, the more I can feel a force on my back that’s pushing me to tip forwards. There is an aching tug in my gut pulling me forwards and it’s hard to resist it.

I needed the pain to stop.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I needed to jump. I wanted to jump.

Go on, Zach. It’s simple. It’s easy. It won’t even hurt.

I could see Cassandra again, in wherever people went after death. I was past the point of caring if I went to heaven or hell now. All I wanted was to just be with Cass, forever and ever. Until the very end. I would tell her I was sorry. I would spend eternity trying to make it up to her. I had been such a jerk. I was such a horrible person. It was the time to prove to Cassandra that I could do something for her.

I sighed in content as the skyline flipped upside down.

I smiled as the solid platform under me slipped away and vanished.

There was nothing above me but the night sky and nothing below me but cold wind.

The end?

This is the skyline that Zach was looking at. I love Shanghai more than you can imagine (except for the fact that it's seriously polluted and warm in the summer). It kinds of reminds me of Cairo but more like home...