Marshmallow-ed

Author's Note: I know I've been dishing out the chapters quite frequently for this Fanfiction. So for the readers who don't visit my blog that often, I recommend you to find the blog archive on the left hand side of the page. You'll see all the posts and you'll be able to find the correct one to start on. Thanks! Please rate and review! 

Cheers, 

Rachelle 

I sighed as I read he list of things we were supposed to pack for the Muggle camping trip in Hogsmeade for Muggle Studies class.

Pillows

Sleeping Bag/Bed Cover

Extra Blanket (Optional)

Change of clothes for three days

Undergarments

Towels

Waterproof Jacket

Toiletries

I pick up a few of the shirts and pants I have lying around the room and throw them on my bed. I wince at the sudden action as it caused a bolt of pain to shoot through my shoulder from the bludger attack last night. Due to the urgent need for me to pack, Madam Pomfrey had agreed to let me out this afternoon after being in a coma for a whole night. That night…brings me back memories of Lily… I remember exactly how it happened. I saw the Snitch. I went after it. I saw something green flash in the middle of all the red Gryffindors and I saw Lily’s emerald eyes. Then the green glimmer was all I could see before darkness crashed over me.

I can’t date her.

I know I can’t date her.

But I have to.

I should have told my mates.

But they’d be so pissed…

Nothing good comes from what I do, does it? I snogged Lily, twice. Damn, it was great. And I mean damn. It. Was. Great. But nothing good came from it. Here I am, making stupid selfish actions again. Why is it that I always mess up my chances?

I had a choice. I could have asked her: Hey, Lily. I need to know… Do you care about me?

That’s all it would have taken. That’s all I could have asked. Okay, maybe not in the middle of random conversation, but still. I was a total pansy for not asking earlier!

“What the fuck do I pack for this!?”

I turn around mid-pants-folding to Sirius who has just burst through the doors of our dorm.

“I have a copy of the rubric, Paddy. Calm down,” I tell him smiling, turning back around. I knew that was him. “I’m actually surprised you’re here early, mate. I thought you were playing wizards’ chess with Wormtail down stairs.”

“Yeah, well I saw you walking up the staircase to our dormitory and I knew you were packing ahead of time. I thought: Shit, the tosser’s smart. I should probably do the same.”

“I just needed to get my mind off of something so I thought the easiest thing was to pack for tonight’s departure. What did you tell Pete?”

“I told Pete he was boring me and left. Besides, I don’t wanna still be in here when every dude in Sixth Year’s gonna be fighting to pick their dirty crap off the floor so they can spray the living crap out of it with Axe, before packing it in their bags.”

“Sirius. You still do that.”

I’m not even sure if he knows what ‘laundry’ means.

He guffaws. “Yeah, but I wear them right after. I don’t pack them in bags,” he scoffs. “It’s gonna be a hotbox of cologne and crap, and I do not want to be the middle of that. No one’s gonna make it out alive, I reckon. My lungs will explode.”

He’s quite right, actually.

Sirius Black walks over to his four poster, which is right next to mine, and begins going through his trunk. “My cheetah boxer shorts! YES!” He throws them on his unkempt bed and declares that he’s going to take them.

“Hey, Padfoot...”

“Yes, baby cakes?”

“Okay, don’t call me that,” I point out exasperatedly, getting off topic.

“How about muffin delight?”

“I actually have a dilemma, you know. I’m seeking brotherly advice,” I push, my head leaning forward with my eyebrows raised.

“Oh, alright… Shoot.” He takes out his monster bottle of Axe and starts out spraying his camping bag thoroughly inside and out, then spraying his pillow.

“If you were dating someone, and it was kind of exclusive although not completely official that she was your girlfriend…would it be okay to kiss someone else?”

Wait, why am I asking him? He’s been kissing girls since he was four and every time he’s kissed someone it’s always been a new girl. Except for this year, that is. Because of Mary. He’s been great with her (He usually doesn’t hold relationships that well but I’m proud of him).

He turns to me, face distraught. It’s weird how he can change his facial features so quickly. I forget that when I’m talking to him sometimes.

“James and Lily drama,” I hear him mutter darkly under his breath

Out of all of my friends, Sirius is the most passionate about my thing with Lily. But he cares too much about me some times and I think that he cares a great deal who I love, because they may or may not hurt me back - and he cares about my well-being in that sense, too.

He’s the only marauder I could ever talk to about this.

“You git, you’re screwing yourself over and over! She’s making you crazy. You’re letting things get fucked up in your mind, mate. You’re supposed to like Carly Carrington, yet you’re in love with Lily Evans. That, on it’s own, should do your head it. But then you kiss her while dating someone else!”

I have to tell him.

But I can’t.

No, he’s going to be so pissed.

But he needs to know!

I don’t want to date her.

But I have to.

He’s going to sucker punch my face.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Do you think the guys and I like seeing you distraught and always thinking about Lily-”

I bite my bottom lip like a toddler and stand up from my crouched position.

Shit.

He’s going to roundhouse kick me in the face when I tell him.

Shit. 

Maybe I shouldn’t…

But he’s going to think I’m a whore!

SHIT.

“And we’re really trying to understand what’s going with you but you never talk to us! NEVER! Not even about this girl you’re dating and all that! We always talk about girls to each other. Now you won't even look at me when Carly's name is even mentioned. And I’m your best friend-!”

Oh, fucked up goodness.

“I DON’T LIKE CARLY ANYMORE.”

“Ah-” Sirius gurgles and then stops. Literally.

He stops…everything. Including blinking and breathing.

I try to smile but only my mouth does and not my face, therefore I look like a zombie. “Err, ha-ha?”

“What the fuck!” Sirius throws his hands in the air. “What does that even mean?”

I take a deep breath and nervously try to get this out. “I’ve hardly liked her. Sure, I snogged her plenty of times but that was because I was just freaking depressed over Lily and… She was just…there.”

“Not following…” Does he seem angry or is that just his tone?

“I don’t like her anymore? I’ve, well, fallen out of liking her?”

Sirius looks pissed off. “I’m sorry, but why are you still dating her then?” He asks with a bit of hostility, walking closer to me.

“Because…Uh-”

“Yeah?”

“Because I wanted to make Lily jealous, okay!? I wanted to make her think I was the same old guy she’s always known. The guy from last year. The guy that wasn’t in love with her. And I mean really in love. You know that I always liked her, but when I found out I loved her this year after the party, everything changed man! I can’t even look at another girl.”

Sirius is just staring at me, less passive aggressive and more content. He’s considering my words carefully. I can only imagine what he’s thinking; how I could let him go through all that shit with the guys about Carly, dealing with Carly - hell, even dealing with her laughter…

“I had to make Lily think I was still the same guy, that I didn’t change. Because she knows- she knows I’m different. And I just wanted to make her jealous, for once. So I asked Carly out. And now we’re exclusively dating. So I guess - yeah, maybe she’s my girlfriend although we never talked about it. Lily maybe thinks Carly’s my girlfriend but we aren’t in a serious relationship anymore. That Carrington girl I see right now is just hellish-ly needy for attention and doesn't leave me alone. She makes everyone around us think we're serious but we're not anymore.”

I look at my best mate and hold my breath.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys. I just wanted to do this on my own.”

His face goes through many different expressions before landing on this one: his smile is cocked to the side, and his face is relaxed. He walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“You sly bastard.”

I exhale, relieved.

“Merlin, I thought you were going to punch me or something,” I say to him.

Sirius thinks to himself. “Well, I was ready to. But I was angrier that you said you didn’t like Carly anymore and was still going out with her, than anything else in the conversation. So I got mad pretty quick. But after hearing you explain…I’m kind of proud of you. I mean, Remus would probably kick my arse for saying this, but you are definitely ahead of the game! Man, you really had me for a piss there…”

I laugh. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I know you guys don’t like her. I can hear you guys making kissy faces when she’s talking to me. I just pretended I couldn’t see any of that stuff, I ignored it. Just like I ignored her bland personality and conceitedness to look in a mirror every five seconds now.”

“Hah! I knew you couldn’t stand her! I kept telling myself that you had to have been ready to pull your own hair out, that Prongs couldn’t handle that kind of crazy, but you never showed disinterest!” Sirius shakes his head. “Damn, am I glad that you don’t like her. That crazy bint was driving us up the wall. Now we have something in common again.”

I’m really glad I told him. I thought this was going to explode back in my face! Man, I love Sirius. I wanna go to the top of a mountain and exclaim my love for Sirius Black. Except I’d have to yell out: Disclaimer - I am not a homosexual.

I mean, people do that, right?

“I love you, man,” I hug him, taking him off guard.

He pretends to be macho and not hug me back for like ten seconds but then he succumbs to my love taco.

“Gah, I LOVE YOU, TOO!” he yells back, responding to my embrace with a bone crushing hug.

“This feels so right,” he says airily.

“Totes magotes,” I reply.

And then…I feel my head beginning to pop off by the lack of oxygen. I tap him to let got and he does a little.

“So, are you going to break up with Carly?” Sirius Black looks me in the eyes for this question. Guh, I knew this was coming.

I look at the ground. “I don’t want to… Not that I enjoy being with her, it’s just…I at least had someone there. Even if it was a fake someone,” I confess.

“Carly doesn’t know about this, right?”

“Hell no. I never spoke much, it was usually just her in conversation anyway. I’m slowly trying to break it off, just not yet. Maybe at the Hogsmeade trip.”

“Oh, well I guess that sounds good, mate,” he shrugs, turning back the clothes on his bed.

“Yeah. I mean, I hope it’s not gonna be a difficult break-up. Carly is in Ravenclaw, you know. She’ll see this coming; I’m just hoping she’s not going to explode on me. We weren’t serious, I mean I only snogged her for show - in front of other people. That was it.”

Right then, Wormtail and Moony come into the dorm. They’re laughing and eating caramel drops, joking to each other.

“There you guys are! Pete said you guys were packing ahead of time. I’m proud of you guys, I’ll make sure to write to your mum, James,” Moony says to me. They walk over to us. “Wanna play exploding snap?”

Sirius Black stops folding his clothes and spraying them clean with Axe, and directs himself in my line of sight. “Should we tell them?” He mouths.

I nod.

The Sixth and Seventh Years of Gryffindor enrolled in Muggle Studies walked down through Hogsmeade together on Thursday night. Why, you ask? To start off our camping weekend, of course!

A few hours ago, the Sixth and Seventh Year students of Hogwarts gathered in the Great Hall where Dumbledore lectured for a half hour about how we should be lucky for taking a course that lets us do fun things… or something like that.

He also spoke to us about this great opportunity to really get into the habits of muggles’ interests and how they have really been connecting with nature for hundreds of years.

He also mentioned teepees but I think he was joking…. I was worried at first, until Dumbledore explained that we’d all be gender-separated in nice warm cabins, where magic would be disabled. But we’d still be living close to nature in the early human form, according to Flitwick, who interfered once he saw the relief on our faces.

This kind of boggles my mind because I’m sure the Native Americans residing in the early American lands didn’t have electrical outlets next to their beds. Nor did they have a stable roof or socks. But I guess those concepts are just too archaic for some of the faculty, as they’ve made these cabins extremely comfortable for the students. The camping site is located west of Hogsmeade, in a kind of clearing surrounded by some really tall trees.

The cabin that Mary, Ames and I are staying in have a mixed variety of Sixth and Seventh Years in our House. About 30 meters directly across from our cabin is James Potter’s cabin.

No, that was not the first thing I noticed when getting assigned our sleeping arrangements, JEEZ.

I don’t know why I’m urinating on a tree.

The rational side of me knew that there was some sort of communal shower or lavatory on the camping ground, but the irrational side of me could NOT wait. So here I am, in the freaking forest, peeing behind my cabin. And let me tell you, I am not happy having to mark my territory on a tree in Hogsmeade.

I have to ask one of my professors where I can find the nearest loo next time.

I also have to talk to Lily. Eventually. And break up with my girlfriend. Sigh. You know, you’d think having a fake girlfriend would be easy to handle, but Carly is becoming quite the hassle. I mean, you get in trouble with another girl and your girlfriend suddenly changes into a man-eating (literally) monster. I hate this.

Okay, I sound like a jerk but you know what I mean. She is so territorial over me recently that it’s driving me insane. She’s not exactly easy on the eyes in the morning; or easy on any other part of me. She screeches in the morning, followed by mounds of trash talking and never-ending gossip. I would explode if I woke up to that. I wouldn’t want to wake up to that in the next 100 years.

Not that she hasn’t been suggestive. Because she has. I’ve just always found a diversion. But it’s getting quite difficult because she’s catching on. And I’m pretty good at pretending to be my old self because I’m still partially that guy; but it’s getting harder and harder to keep this up. I’m obviously not interested in her and I feel like she’s slowly realizing that. Funny, how I cannot WAIT to break up with her, but at the same time - I’m hesitant. I don’t know what I was thinking asking her to go out with me in the first place. But now that we’re an official couple (I guess) I’m kind of afraid to call things off.

I don’t know. I just have this horrible feeling that something is going to go wrong and I’m going to get kicked in a not so nice place. That is not something I’m particularly looking forward to. Not that I’m saying Leslie would be the one to kick me; I’ve been feeling a universal pull of all females wanting to hurt me recently. Is that weird? I think my conscious is making me believe that every woman in Hogwarts knows my secret.

Even McGonagall. No, really. I think the women of this school are trying to kill me. The other day, I was thinking about ways to break the news to Carly (one of them using duct tape and an anvil) and I swear I thought McGonagall was reading my mind. I looked up as I passed her in the hallway and she definitely gave me a once over look of disgust, with the words I’M JUDGING YOU written on her forehead, followed by a click of the tongue. Almost like she was saying, “You good for nothing bastard.”

My face fell flat in shock and I couldn’t pay attention to what was ahead of me. I almost fell down the stairs.

And then, the next day, when I was staring at Lily secretly from across the Great Hall, a whole clan of girls in Hufflepuff stopped eating and just looked at me. I felt them staring from the corner of my eye so I turned around and I SWEAR, they picked up their eating utensils and put their spoons and knives together to make the sign of the cross. Like I was Satan or something, and they were warding me off! But then I rubbed my eyes and they were back to enjoying their soup.

This is a sign; it’s got to be.

This is punishment. Mental punishment for what I’ve done. And what I’ve got to do. Even though the guys and I had an intense heart-to-heart, the revelation of how much of an ass I am still knocks me off my feet. I mean, I thought it was the smartest plan in the world at the time - but I was hiding behind my shame and my love for Lily when I decided to do it. And now I’ve got to pay for it and make it right at the same time.

Suddenly, I hear noises from the cabin.

I see Peter and Remus walk back to our cabin, probably coming from a brutal exploration of the camping grounds. Their faces are bright red and their breaths are fogging in our warm cabin. Looks like they’ve been running… or racing each other. Or drunk. But probably the former. Then Sirius walks out to greet them.

“Hey, guys, look!” Remus says excitedly, throwing black rocks in Sirius’ direction.  Sirius catches it with an open palm. That is, until it starts to sizzle against his skin.

“SON OF A SOCK PUPPET!” Sirius squeals, dropping the now bright red rock on the ground. It slowly cools down and morphs back to black.

I chuckle at them.

“What the fuck was that?!” Sirius bellows to Remus, jumping on top of his bed, waving his sizzling hand around.

“We found them!” Peter laughs, reaching inside his coat pocket and spreading the black rocks over his mitten covered hand. “They were next to the bonfire site. They must have put a spell on them because they burn whenever human contact happens.”

“They probably use them to keep the bonfires from going out,” Remus comments.

Peter shrugs. “We thought we could use them to put in our pockets to keep us warm.”

“Okay, great- BUT WHY DID YOU THROW ONE AT ME.” Sirius continues to wave his hand around with all five fingers spread out like a flesh-eating virus has taken over. “It burns! This feels like the ash that burned the streets of Pompeii!”

Remus Lupin is still doubling over in laughter, keeping himself up right with his hands on his knees. “I just-” he tries to breathe, “I just wanted to see your reaction…oh, the tears in my eyes,” he wails in joyous pain.

"I've entered the first level of human mummification!" Sirius cries.

Now, Sirius Black’s eyes have turned into slits. “You little bitch.” 

And exactly five seconds later, Wormtail is on the ground, passed out (or knocked out?) with his jacket on backwards, Padfoot pulling at Moony’s hair and trying to strangle him whilst riding on his back like a mechanical bull, and Moony trying to swing Padfoot off his back and is gasping for air at the same time. And all while this is going on; Padfoot seems to be holding his left hand at an awkward angle.

The professors are taking turns going to every cabin to let everyone know that we can go to sleep now. McGonagall just stopped by to tell us that we we’re going to get a schedule and a list of activities tomorrow and to not worry about it. Just to get used to our living styles for this weekend and get situated in our cabins. How cozy! These beds are awesome. I haven’t even snuggled inside and I’m already feeling the awesomeness radiating off my bed. Each one has a nightstand next to it and a set of drawers on the opposite side. And each cabin has a 7th year prefect in charge of being everyone’s watcher, kind of like a counselor to make sure we’re all here when we go to bed and all that. I’m actually pretty psyched about this whole experience! I’m not very outdoorsy but I’m not completely picky about traveling, and I guess this is like a mini-vacation in a way. Like a permanent field trip for three days!

There are about 15 people in each cabin. There’s a chandelier hanging from the middle of the ceiling with candles charmed to come on after sundown, and a candle on everyone’s nightstand for late reading and whatnot. Although the teacher’s didn’t speak much of curfews, all the students assumed that now was the time to go to bed - or at least for everyone to retreat back to his or her cabin. It’s only half past 8 o’clock but I’m already growing weary.

I lay down on my bed, belly up and just look up at the wooden ceiling. Oh, here we go. Time for me to be pensive. But what am I supposed to do? Mary’s gone to find Sirius and maybe go snog somewhere, Amy’s gone to take a quick shower before it gets too dark, and all the other girls in my cabin are napping/talking. So I’m kind of left alone with my thoughts right now.

There is something in my heart that thumps for James Potter. There, I said it. But it doesn’t mean it’s everlasting, or explanatory. There are a lot of things that he hasn’t been very clear on and the more I think about it, the more helpless I feel. Like I can’t push him to open up. I just want to howl at him sometimes, but I’m afraid to go near him. Is it bad that I’m afraid of what I might do if I get close to him?

I forget everything when I’m with him and it’s horrible. And you know what’s always in the back of my mind whenever we lock eyes? Remus telling me that he’s in love with me. Or at least, he was in love with me. There’s just one, small little flaw-he’s dating some snarky blonde and kissing me. This is wrong. This is so wrong.

I’m never ‘the other woman’ and I’ve never aimed to be. But there’s something so weird about our situation, it’s making me think that although Carly is his girlfriend, there are no feelings there. Or maybe there are, I don’t know. Nothing matches up. I don’t feel guilty that he snogged me while dating Carly. I feel guilty because I’m insulting my integrity by not doing the right thing and pushing him away. I’ve been pushing him away my entire life, what’s so different about our relationship now?

This whole 'love' business is just rubbish if you ask me.

I guess what it comes down to is this: Does he love me? Hell, does he even like me? Or is this still some sort of game? I tried to figure out of acting like a prick since First Year was just a defense mechanism to missing me and not being able to say anything, but I clearly chucked that idea and flushed it down the toilet.

The feelings I have for him are… they are indescribable. I just want to know him. I need to know him. I’m torn and I don’t even know why. There’s this pang in my chest because of him and only he can make them go away. My chest is full of guilt and anger and shame and curiosity and I just want answers, damn it, I just want the answers.

Maybe I should take my own advice and go find James. But wait, what if he’s with Carly? Oh, gosh. What if they’re cuddling? In his bed? DO. NOT. WANT.

Are there even guidelines to having the opposite sex welcomed in our cabin?

I sigh and turn my face away from the monotonous pattern on the wood ceiling and stair at our cabin door. It’s the same color as the rest of the cabin - oak. Oak floors with oak bed frames and oak walls. There’s something very peaceful about this cabin. Something very relaxing. Perhaps because we’re not in Hogwarts anymore and even though physically we’re still here, moving out of the building has done something to me. Like I’ve left all my worries… almost. Maybe the drama this weekend will be on a pause until we get back?

Bahaha, right. Like that’s even possible.

And you know why there is so much drama within the lives of teenagers? BECAUSE WE ARE INDECISIVE CREATURES. We don’t know what we want for the long run so for the short run we do what we think is the best thing, but it ends up being the worst thing. Not to mention the fact that no one actually says what’s on his or her mind.

What’s holding you back? I mean, damn it. I’ve been pretty honest to everyone I know about James and my situation with him. The only one who’s not being honest with me is James. I want to know why he turned his back on me all those years ago. I want to know what happened with him. And I want to know why he has feelings for me, or why he had feelings for me.

Someone knocks on our cabin door. I bolt up, wondering if I actually heard the knock or if I was imagining things. Maybe it’s Amy? No… she just left. Perhaps it’s Mary? Wait, why would she knock though? Every student who’s assigned a cabin gets automatic admission. Maybe it’s someone of the opposite sex then? Or someone who doesn’t belong to this cabin? McGonagall was pretty vague on explaining how these doors work…

I get up and see if any of the other girls notice; none of them even move a muscle. They are too busy gossiping or reading or sleeping. I walk over to the door but just before I’m about to open it, I get a message slid at me from under the door. I look behind me again to see if anyone’s glanced at it, before picking it up.

Hey.

One guess on who this is.

Who’s this?

I write my message on the paper with one of the quills in my schoolbag. I slide it under the door and immediately get a response.

Depends. Who’s this?

…James?

I can almost hear him smirk from the other side of the door.

I knew it was you.

I stare at the piece of paper for a while before I actually consider how crazy I look. I’m just standing by a door in front of a room full of girls wondering what the hell I’m doing. They probably think this is the weirdest thing. But what am I supposed to do? Kneel down next to the door? Then they’d really think I’m a nut. I tilt my head slightly and watch over my shoulder. There are a few of them that are giving me suspicious looks. I grab Sense and Sensibility out of my school bag and sit with my legs crossed on the ground, against the wall. Right next to the door. I put the note in my book and scribble in it secretly. Why I’m doing this instead of opening the door, I have no idea.

What do you want?

I wait for a while before he slides the paper back through the door.

They’ve jinxed the doors. No one of the opposite gender can touch the doorknob or even walk in.

Oh. Well there goes my theory.

I scribble a response and slide it under the door.

Why did you need to see me?

I’m very curious to see his reply. It’s getting dark soon, it’s not like he can’t talk to me tomorrow.

I just wanted to be near you.

And just then, I feel a weight push itself up against the door. I think he’s just sat down on my cabin porch and is resting his back on the other side of my cabin door. I do the same and shut my eyes and my mouth, and exhale out of my nose. His back is right next to mine.

How am I supposed to reply to that?

Is it cold outside?

Not really. There’s a strong wind, though.

I’m sorry for not being able to let you in.

Come outside?

They told us to stay in our cabins, James.

I don’t want to break any rules on the first night here. Besides, the professors could still be on the grounds, checking to make sure we’re all here.

Well, I’m not in mine.

You and I are two different people, James.

I can’t.

As I’m about to slide it under the door, I pick it up again. I bite my lip and place the paper back into Sense and Sensibility, and add onto what I’ve written.

I can’t. Not right now. Wait until everyone’s asleep.

Ok. Meet you at midnight?

A million voices of disapproval from the little man in my head make themselves known as soon as I jot down my answer.

Okay.

I look at my watch.

It’s 11:53.

I look back at the ceiling.

This is dumb.

“This is dumb.”

It feels dumber now that I’ve said it out loud.

What is this meeting supposed to do? Absolutely nothing. We just want an excuse to see each other. It makes me sick. Though, not really. It’s not physically being near him that makes me sick - it’s the fact that it’s come to this. Midnight meetings on my cabin steps? This is how I’m going to spend the first night here? Tomorrow the entire 6th and 7th year Muggle classes are going to have an agenda filled with things to do, and all the while that’ll be happening, I know (I know) that I’ll be spending most of my time trying to decipher what ever it is that is about to happen in seven minutes. I look at the clock again.

11:54.

Okay, what is about to happen in six minutes?

I already know how this is going to go. We’ll babble, he’ll say something cute, then I’ll try to talk to him, then he’ll say something insufferable...and I'll go to sleep angry. Next day: I replay the psychobabble until I burst.

This is not healthy.

I push off my blanket and stand upright on my comfy bed, and look around my cabin. The chandelier full of candles are flickering slowly, keeping the place warm and at the same time keeping a low profile as to not intrude on anyone’s sleep. Amy, who’s in the bed next to mine, is sound asleep, snuggled in her covers. Mary, who is across from me, is snoring softly with her limbs slowly hanging off her bed, from her bed blanket.

I hear someone scratch softly against the door a few meters away from my bed, and I immediately (and quietly) get dressed. I slide on some jeans and a t-shirt, and throw my windbreaker on. With the last tie of my sneaker, I creep-crawl my way to the door in a few short steps. I calmly open the door to the outside and slide my way out. The door makes a click and I exhale, my hand still on the doorknob.

I turn around slowly to find James Potter with his hands in his jacket pockets. His windbreaker is open, mind you, but he has a dark purple polo shirt underneath and I recognize the familiar design of Armani Exchange.

I just smile at James for a few seconds while he just looks at me.

His hair is messier than usual, probably because of the wind. I want to call over to him to say hi but I’m afraid to speak. I feel like the trees will split in half if I speak too loudly. Is that normal? The night is so silent and so still… I feel like I’m intruding.

“What?” his raspy voice asks me.

“Nothing,” I say nonchalantly, looking anywhere but at him.

“No, you’re looking around like you’re expecting something.” He tilts his head to the side and does that cute boy thing.

I sigh. “I don’t know. I feel like we’re fireflies and the whole night is droning. Don’t you hear it?”

He’s still for a moment, unmoving. “Yes,” he says, nodding. James takes a big breath and releases it. “I hear it. It’s the sound of the night.”

We sit on the cabin steps.

Our knees touch.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

James’s words come out softly, like a whisper, and it takes me a second to comprehend that he’s spoken. Not hiding the confusion on my face, I ask him what he means. I don’t know why. Because he and I both know that there were certain circumstances having occurred that has lead up to this, and there are many things he could be (and should be) apologizing for. Yes, that I know. But… I don’t care for it. It doesn’t matter. Because in this moment I don’t know what he means. His voice tells me that he’s more serious now with those two words than he’s been all day.

And, let’s face it - I’d be a hypocrite if I said there weren’t things I knew I had to apologize for.

“I know everything’s a mess, and that you and I are completely screwed up…but it will all be over soon. Things will get less complicated very soon, trust me.”

We sit still for a while until I raise my head up off his shoulder and sit up.

“I don’t know what’s going on with us, but I do know that what ever it is, we need to solve it.”

I can’t say it. I can’t tell him that I have feelings for him. I know that he knows, but I need to say it out loud. Yet… I can’t muster up the courage.

“I know we do,” he nods, thinking to himself. He turns to me. “I know. I have a list full of personal things I need to sort out, Lily. And the first thing on my list is Carly.”

I start twitching my legs out of the need of warmth. I put my hands between my legs and fidget a bit before speaking again. “What’s going to happen even after that, James? I mean, what is this right now?”

Are we going to be a couple or something? I’m so stupid. I mean, honestly - what the fuck is this? He’s meeting me at night, as if he isn’t dating someone else. And what is breaking up with her going to do? Are we going to start dating now? I need answers. We need answers. There’s a history between us that’s been building for the past 6 years of our lives and it can’t go unnoticed. Before we can move forward we have to clear the past. And for us to even start clearing the past he and I need to have unyielding amounts of time for each other.

I hear him take a big gulp, like he’s wondering what kind of scary concoctions I’m thinking of in my mind. “Lily,” he timidly asks, looking at me with raw emotion in his eyes. His expression is brave, but his eyes are careful.

I breathe in and out.

“We know what we are to each other. I know it. You know it. Not saying it out loud will do nothing, except maybe deceive us into thinking our lives are simpler than they actually are. I don’t expect anything from you, even though you already know my feelings. Not all of them, sure, but the core of what I feel for you… it’s real. We both know this very well. I’m not ashamed to say it. It took me months to grasp it, to deal with it, let alone say it. I don’t give a shit anymore,” he continues in a soft-spoken manner, still staring into my eyes. “My affection for you was always there, always real. And although you and I have questions we need to answer…right now is enough for me.”

My chest hurts. I don’t know how to explain it, but something soothing and peaceful washes over me and it’s the most pleasant feeling I’ve felt all year.

“This, this is enough for me. Right now, I just want to sit with you,” James concludes, heaving a big sigh like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder. He leans back and lies down across the floor of the cabin porch. I watch him.

Biting my lip and taking his words in, I lean back until my shoulders collide with the wood of the porch. Minutes pass by as we lay next to each other. Taking his hand from out of his jacket pocket, he reaches for mine across the splintered wood. I give it to him.

“What happened to us.”

It comes out blatant, obviously more as a comment than a question.

James Potter thinks carefully before answering. “Life happened.”

I shake my head, not because I don’t agree with him, but because I don’t understand how.

“Nothing makes sense anymore…” I trail off, not realizing the sting behind my eyes. They aren’t tears, no. Something much stronger than tears. It’s unfathomable, but my eyes have gone all blurry from the memories. Everything that I’m thinking about right now. Things that happen in your life that you have to face.

“It’s damned harsh, isn’t it? You’re this little kid, imaging what it’s like to be a grown up. You have things set up in your mind about how things are gonna go, like it’s really just that simple. But it never is. Then you grow up and you realize it’s actual work. It’s actual work, trying to find who you are,” James shares.

It really hurts. It really fucking hurts. Imagining the world you lived in when you were younger, remembering how through the chaos around you, you found happiness in the simplest of things. Stories had happy endings and no one felt pain for very long. Laughter was the best medicine and the best friends you had then, would most likely never compare with the ones you’d make when you’d grow up.

“Sometimes I think about what life would be like if we took opposite paths than the one we’d chosen-”

“I can’t do this,” I pull my hand away, but he grasps my hand tighter.

“Don’t,” James says, looking at me apologetically. Our hands our ice cold now. “Just stay, okay? Just stay.”

I nod in response and resume looking up into the night sky with the boy that quasi-ruined my life. My entire body is numb yet I feel warmth. I look at the gutters surrounding the frame of the cabin and think about possible rain.

It’s so dark I can barely see his outline. “So I took a piss in the woods today.” It’s weird how quickly he can say something off topic yet still has a calm voice while saying it.

“Delightful.”

“And guess what happened…”

“A flying squirrel invaded your territory?”

“No, but something like that,” he jabs, like he’s holding back a small smirk.

I stay silent and wait for him to continue. “Well?”

“Remus threw this piece of charmed rock at Sirius and burned Sirius’ hand then Sirius tried to kill Remus,” James said simply but I had already formed the mental image in my mind. Sometimes, I really knew to Marauders too well.

I look at the roof for a second too long. I smile a small smile, and then I smile a big one. And then… I burst into laughter. My tummy is shaking, I’m laughing so hard. The warmth of my body is burning in the pit of my stomach as James starts poking me.

“What? What is it? Tell me!” He quips, jabbing his index finger into my stomach, tickling me; thus, making me laugh more.

I shake my head, “Nothing. Just looking at you makes me laugh.” I suddenly realize how ridiculous that sounded.

He lets out this barking laughter that, I swear on Merlin’s deodorant, probably woke up my entire cabin.

And we just sit there, lying on a cabin porch, in the middle of Hogsmeade somewhere, laughing and doubling over in hysterics until our stomachs start to hurt.

Amy, Mary, Remus, Peter, and I are sitting around near the grounds, sitting in front of a calmly lit fire for Friday evening’s dinner. Sirius comes treading towards us after a while, with James behind him. Oh - excuse me. My mistake.

With James and his girlfriend, behind him.

Sirius and James both have black hoodies on, both looking at their feet. They’ve always had a similar taste. The only difference between them is that Sirius has his long hair poking out of his hood, and he’s actually smiling. Well, smiling at Mary. James is looking completely passive. Carly’s latched around his arm, trying to keep up with James and Sirius’ strides up the hill. Once I get a clear view of all three people, I glance at her feet.

The tart’s wearing heels.

Trip on a twig, trip on a twig, trip on a twig…

I have to say, seeing James with her after last night makes me feel like the cheapest chick ever. I feel guilty, but at the same time, disappointed. I have my suspicions on their relationship, sure, but there’s something out of the usual. I don’t know, after his heart to heart last night, I can see him a bit better - my eyes can sort of see him, the lines aren’t as blurred anymore. That doesn’t make any sense.

I wish I could explain it.

“Hey,” Sirius greets Mary with a kiss. He plops down next to her on the log.

Carly pretends I’m not here and James says, “Hi.”

I try to smile back at him, but my lips only half develop something of a smile after I turn my head and look away.

Regardless of what I feel for him, I’ve always felt uneasy with her and James in such close proximities. Something isn’t right. I hate to speculate but there’s a serious problem. And the more I see them together the more I feel like I’m ruining his life. Like he’s cheating on me with her. And not even in that sense - like he’s living the life he wants to live when he’s around me. Because when he’s with Carly…

He doesn’t look alive.

Last night really opened my eyes. Last night was real, and this is the first time all day where he’s actually stood within a 2 feet radius of me. The hours we spent on my cabin steps…we couldn’t stop talking, laughing, sharing. It was amazing.

“So how was your group work today?” Mary courteously asks Carly, being the kind-hearted woman of the hour that she is.

“It was okay,” she shrugs back, taking her hands out of her pockets. Did I just see an acorn fall out of her pocket? “I spent most of it running from this stupid squirrel-”

Sirius hacks up a lung and all eyes turn to him. His eyes dart to me and then to James, before continuing on his coughing fit.

“A squirrel?” Remus asks, intrigued by the idea. At this point the only thing louder than the cackling fire is Sirius Black’s cackling fit; did saliva go down the wrong pipe?

As Mary tends to her boyfriend’s needs by rubbing his back, Carly begins to elaborate by going off on her strangely wordy and expressive tangents containing very big words.

“Yeah,” she exhales loudly, popping gum into her mouth.

Some like to call it banter.

I like to call it sarcasm.

“I’m sorry…what?” My best friend perplexingly asks, leaning forward.

There go Sirius’s eyes again, looking alarmed. He tries to swallow a bit but the mixed messages he’s giving to Remus and Peter and James are stopping him from calming down. I narrow my eyes in his direction almost naturally.

Did he…?

“Yeah, I mean, it just came at me. It was following me for like, an hour,” Carly smacks away at her gum before continuing. “So we were, like, going through that tour in the woods, yeah? And this stupid animal practically pounces on me.” She recalls the memory immediately and starts to paint us a useless picture. And I swear I see another nut fall out of her other pocket as she heatedly starts tapping her foot on the wet ground. I must be loopy.

I zone out after she smacks her gum in my face for the third time. It’s like an ocean wave knocking my feet out from under me. Am I having a migraine?

Sirius has calmed down a bit, but James Potter’s face is anything but passive. He’s staring at his best friend with his jaw cocked to the side, as if to say ‘wow, REALLY?’, unlike Remus and Pete who have caught on faster than I have. They’re both giggling to themselves.

While his girlfriend continues to rant on about animal abuse, James tries to hide the fact that he’s in close proximities with her. He takes a few steps back and looks off.

This confuses me even more!

The buzzing in my ears just gets bigger as I look up to find Carly barking out about the stupid squirrel that wouldn’t leave her alone. Her arms starts flailing around, and before you know it, she’s stomping back and forth, practically ranting, about how squirrels should go to hell. And damn it, another circular shaped object, resembling an acorn, falls from her pocket. I think she should sew that hole at the bottom.

My eyelids droop a bit, but alas, before they close all the way…I get a glimpse of someone.

Mary McDonald.

Mary McDonald…Who has just had her ear whispered into by her boyfriend Sirius Black, after his swift recovery from temporary emphysema.

From the corner of my eye, although my brain’s fuzzy volume signals are on mute, I can practically hear the silence going through her brain as wind goes through one ear and out the other. Mary doesn’t move for a moment, and her WTF face I know and love makes it debut.

“And so then, I like, kicked it square in the face because I mean, IT WAS STALKING ME AND I KNOW I’M PRETTY BUT I’M NOT INTO ANIMALS-”

Mary looks absolutely scandalized. And not by the brand-new Carly Carrington, but by her boyfriend, who looks snootily apologetic although not really.

…Right.

“AND I READ ONE TIME THAT SOMETIMES ANIMALS CAN, LIKE, MATE OR WHATEVER, AND I DON’T WANNA BE-”

Sirius Black’s infamous marauder smirk unravels itself. Mary and Sirius are still staring at each other. He looks, dare I say it, proud of himself.

Then I caught on. To my surprise, I roll my eyes and giggle. A small part of my brain makes a mental note that James is looking at me, amused. And then I think about it again, in my mind, and it’s still funny. I mean, only Sirius would think of loading Carly’s jacket with acorns and walnuts and everything of the sort to attract woodland creatures. It’s bloody genius.

I really try hard to not bring attention to myself by not laughing my bum right off. So I bite my lip to stop from laughing.

“What were you laughing at?” Carly is getting suspicious at our behavior.

“Oh…ah- Hey, look! An acorn!” Remus points out, making everyone look next to Carly’s shoe. A few hidden chuckles come from the boys, even a wandering glance from Amy.

“An acorn?” Carly repeats lamely. “You’re laughing at an acorn?”

“Yeah…”

Carly dismisses him like a pair of crusty socks, and rolls her eyes. Amy quickly saves the conversation by asking everyone about his or her holiday plans for Easter. While Remus is talking about plans for a trip to Paris, Carly leans in to kiss James but he moves back slightly, and whispers in her ear. He looks up to lock eyes with his mates before pulling Carly off to the side.

Everyone seems to notice and we’re all staring at them like moonstruck rabbits.

“Oh, boy,” Peter says, bug-eyed.

Remus just sits there but his expression says ‘James is going to get it’.

“I’d like to be in the know,” I point out. “What’s going on?” I glance at Carly and James, and the air around them seems tense. She’s narrowing her eyes at him while he does all the talking. Something fishy is going on.

Remus takes in a big breath and exhales before responding to me. “I think he’s breaking up with her.”

There’s silence as my mind slowly takes in the fact that this very action is being done in front of me. My head does this spasm thing where I shake my head violently but in small amounts while trying not to be confused.

Peter throws me a mercy look. “We’d explain it ourselves, but it’s not for us to tell you.”

He’s breaking up with Carly! This is just so random, and I don’t know how I should feel but I feel confused and shocked and thrown under a bus all at the same time. What do I say? How do I stand? Why is he doing this now?

“Oh, you’ll know why,” replies Remus Smart-ass Lupin, with a cocked eyebrow. Peter punches him.

Okay, now I’m nervous. I don’t usually know what to expect with James but if his friends can foreshadow something that I’m unaware of at the moment, I have the right to feel uneasy! It could be good, or bad. Or it could be Switzerland and just stay lumpy.

Carly bursts like a volcano, sending everyone back three feet. We stare in bewilderment.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHY? I WANT AN EXPLANATION, YOU SACK OF-”

You should see my retina size right now!

James makes hand motions for her to quiet down but she breathes fire and swats his hands down. “Shhhhhh, calm down-”

“I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!”

“I’d rather not talk about this here, can we just discuss this later?”

Her voice drips with venom when she says, “You’re not going to break up with me and then not tell me why.”

James Potter’s eyes close in irritation.

“TELL ME WHY-!”

“I just can’t be with you!”

Remus, Peter, and I gasp. It’s dead quiet and James hasn’t moved an inch. His hands are still in the air and his eyebrows are still doing that weird frustrated thing. My mouth has formed a big O and my eyebrows have receded into my hairline.

James’s ex-girlfriend throws him a look that could kill baby sea otters everywhere, before turning around and exploding. “YOU!” she points to me.

Bewildered, I point to myself to make sure she’s not making any mistakes. “Me?”

“You are a bitch! This is all your fault!” Carly stomps over to me. At the same time, Remus and Peter jump behind a log.

“What the fuck!?” I scream, anger boiling through my veins. Oh, this girl…THIS GIRL…

“YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME!”

James runs his hands through his hair, surprised by what he’s done. He paces quickly to Carly and tries to speak but she’s not having it.

“Carly, please-”

She slaps him, emitting gasps from his mates (you know, the ones currently residing behind the log).

“Don’t slap him!” My teeth are grinding against each other and I want so badly to punch her face in. Who the hell does she think she is, huh? First, accusing me of who-knows-what, then calling me names and slapping people!

Her eyes narrow into a glare.

“And don’t blame me for your relationship problems! HE’S BREAKING UP WITH YOU FOR HIS OWN REASON-”

“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!” she roars.

James looks very, very desperate to keep this down. “Please, stop yelling-”

“Shut up!” We yell in unison.

Oh, it is on.

“Why do you always feel the need to blame other people for your stupid mistakes, huh, Carly? Is there a reason you talk behind people’s backs to make yourself appear tall? Why is it that you find joy in putting other people down? Because I honestly-”

“Don’t give me that shit, Evans,” she squeaks in anger.

James puts a hand on her shoulder. “I’m breaking up with you because I can’t date you anymore! I-”

She shoves him away again. “IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHY-!”

“You’re crazy!” I spit at he.

“SHUT UP, YOU STUPID GINGER!”

My.

Teeth.

Are.

Visibly.

Barred.

“Listen to me, you little tart,” I spit out as harshly as I can, “You’re a superficial, overrated, CHEAP blonde, who likes making every little thing all about her.” My hands turn into claws as I continue. “You’re just some insecure little girl who has to depend on other people for entertainment, and you don’t give a shit about how other people feel. You have no shame, no boundaries, no self respect. If anyone’s the stupid one in this equation, it’d be you,” I finish. “I have no idea what happened to the Carly Carrington I knew at the start of this year or maybe it’s because you’ve never grown up.”

I stare at her in the eyes until I know I’ve flushed any kind of comeback out of her mind. My peripheral vision shows James looking like he’s given birth, but at the same time it’s like he wants to scream out ‘FUCK YEAH!’ for some odd reason… and Remus has just slapped a Sickle into Peter’s palm.

I don’t know why I feel so relieved, but my shoulders feel like a heavy burden has suddenly been lifted off of them. Everything that I’ve been feeling since the start of term is rushing to my brain, half of which I’ve already said. My sanity is coming back to me.

Carly doesn’t blink or speak - her angry glare is unfaltering. That is, until she whips her head around and looks up at James. “It’s because of her, isn’t it?” She has a calmer demeanor than before, but her voice still carries that accusatory tone.

James looks at the ground and doesn’t answer, and for the second time in my life I feel like my heart’s stopped. More and more thoughts from this term keep rushing to my brain and my head feels like it’s shaking.

Carly nods in response to James, understanding his nonverbal answer. I can’t see her sour expression but my imagination can do a pretty good job at filling that visual gap.

There’s a part of me that feels horrible for treating James Potter’s recent ex girlfriend like this, but she attacked me under false pretenses and I’m not taking the blame for their horribly disgusting relationship. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t alive…

“You never liked me,” she spits out horridly.

It…wasn’t real.

James looks up at me, guilt washing over his face. It isn’t a question, by the looks of it. My eyebrows furrow, hoping to god that my realization is completely inaccurate.

It…wasn’t real.

Their relationship wasn’t real.

She throws me a quick glance full of disgust. “You wanted to make her jealous!” She punches him hard in the chest. “YOU USED ME!”

The words hurt me just as much as they hurt her. Although she never really liked James for the simple fact of him being James, she feels used none-the-less. And she has a right to- oh gosh, I’m sympathizing with her. I’m sympathizing with somebody I detest to the end of the universe.

“Carly-”

“You’re such a loser, Potter!” Carly shouts behind her, making her way across the camp as fast as she can. She’s had enough of him, I guess. “I HATE YOU!”

James is heaving and the expression on his face is torturous. He looks at me, afraid of what I’ve just witnessed.

My blood is boiling through my body and my face is hot. Those things I kept buried in my mind from the beginning of term topple over and it becomes impossible to stay quiet.

“Lily-”

“You son of a bitch.”

“I know-”

I shake my head and yell. “You dated her to make me jealous!”

I can only hear my heartbeat for a good fifteen seconds, while James Potter tries to stay standing. He’s blinking and breathing and trying to find words to say. It’s so quiet I can hear only the birds chirping. And at this point I’ve forgotten all about Remus and Peter.

“I knew something about your relationship was fucked up since…well, you know,” I begin slowly, my voice hoarse. “But I didn’t think you’d purposefully date her to make me feel what ever you wanted me to feel. I never, ever thought that. I thought maybe it was just a physical relationship, to fill some sort of void, but it wasn’t even that, was it?”

The boy standing in front of me has his lips pursed in total agony.

“To make me go through so much shit… to make me react- you dated her to get a reaction out of me! You dated her for the sole purpose of making me want to be in her position.”

No matter how I word it, or how I think about it, the thought still stings.

“Lily.”

Every single thing he’s said to me, every single fucking thing. He was dating her to make me jealous. That’s what he was doing. Last night meant nothing to him. He caused this. He caused me to feel all these emotions and all these things I just didn’t want to feel and…

I feel emotionally exhausted.

“Lily, look at me.”

I unwillingly open my eyes.

“I didn’t mean to-”

“YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO? You didn’t mean to…what, exactly?” I follow up, stepping closer to him. “Didn’t mean to make me go through all this shit, make me have to see you like a zombie for weeks on end, make me feel all these things that I never had the right to feel-”

“I never mean to hurt you!” he interjects. “I didn’t realize what I did until after I asked Carly Carrington out! Yes, okay, I dated her to make you jealous but I didn’t think it would make you feel like-”

“What was your intention?” I ask dangerously.

“I-I don’t know…” James actually dares to look away from me. I yell at him again.

“What the hell was your intention!?”

He raises his hands to his temples and tries not to burst. “I DON’T KNOW!”

We stare at each other.

“At the time, I just wanted you to feel what I was feeling. All that pain. I just wanted you to feel a little bit,” he confesses. “I didn’t know what I was doing-”

I shake my head before James finishes speaking. “That’s not fair.”

“Yeah? Isn’t it? You don’t listen to me for years, and then you think you can just ignore what I know is going on between us. This,” he says, pointing to the both of us, “is something you can’t fake anymore.”

“Do you actually hear yourself?” I reason, not trying to hide the incredulousness in my tone. “I’m sorry that I didn’t respond to your cat-calling in Third Year, James,” I say in spite. “I’m sorry I didn’t push you around in the halls so all your books would fall out of your hands. I’m sorry I didn’t confess my undying love for you the moment we set foot in here-”

“LISTEN, LILY!” He closes his eyes for a brief moment, regaining his posture. “Just hear me out,” he breathes through this nose. “I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t a wanker because I was, I’ll freely admit it, but that has nothing to do with what just happened. I didn’t mean for this to happen! But now that I think about it, maybe it was supposed to.”

I am not even sure how I am supposed to feel. “What are you saying?”

James Potter stands up straighter and gives me a strong hard look. “Maybe you’re upset because you’ve caught yourself feeling something. Maybe you’re not mad at me, you’re mad at yourself because you can’t run away from what you’re feeling, and it’s killing you.”

“You shut your mouth. Right now.”

He doesn’t know what he’s talking about…

“Oh, come on, Lily. Let’s be real,” he says to me angrily. “Who are you really mad at? Me for pretending to go out with some girl? Or you, because I actually made you realize how much you care? Because I’ll be honest with you right now - I never lied to you about how important you are in my life. I’ll freely admit it-”

“I’m not going to hear any more of this.” I put a hand up, signaling my dismissal. “I seriously can’t believe you. I’d never do what you did.”

Shaking my head, I contemplate why I feel like he isn’t completely at fault, and turn around to walk back to my cabin.

“Don’t judge me.”

I whip around to face James. “People are allowed to judge people they know.” I say, irritated.

“You don’t know me,” he says with spite.

My eyes change, and I know that pain is showing on my face, but he looks away as soon as he sees it.

“You’re right,” I respond in a whisper. “I don’t know you at all.”

His eyes become frozen as he turns slightly back around and sees me. He’s about to say something, but I don’t give him the time to think, as I turn around and walk away.

Away from this.

Away from him.

Away from everything.


I don't want to see him. At all.

And I know what you’re thinking, but no, I don’t want to be the bigger person and talk it out with him. I’m too angry to even approach the idiot, let alone speak to him. The things he made me go through… I mean I could repeatedly punch him with all my might and it still wouldn’t be equivalent to the frustration I’ve felt since then.

Mainly because… well…

Because he was right.

I was afraid of what I felt for him.

I’ve known him for a long time; I know that I can sure as hell that I can’t live without him, but I want him in my life and it makes me sick. It makes me sick, coming to this realization now. I didn’t know what to think of him all year and then he says one stupid thing, and everything just makes sense.

Regardless, I won’t let him win.

I won’t cave in and tell him he was partially right, because he was also partially to blame.

We’re both at fault here, and I know that.

But the fact that he pretended to have a girlfriend just to make me jealous… just to make me feel a little bit of what he was feeling… it was immature and just plain mean. I wanted to hurt him, mentally and physically, because that’s how he hurt me. He may not have known it, but that’s what he did.

I know that I sound like a child who’s blaming everything on the other person, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about being sensible.

I’m upset.

I’m upset that I feel for him.

I’m upset that he knows.

I’m upset that I can’t even say it out loud.