The new fanfiction that I was working on is pretty much 90% done. I only have the very, very last chapter left to polish off and then I'm moving on to seventh year. It picks up from the last one (you know, the one with Carly Carrington and Alex Johnson in it). The 'Final Words' chapter was really fluffy and absolutely HORRIBLE so I decided to just ditch it and carry on from where James kisses Lily on his birthday. Don't worry, Carly-haters. Carly is going to get hurt in this one. But it'll be a bit later on... This fanfic is taking place in Hogwarts' (mostly because there is a Hogsmeade camping trip) and will not have anything related to James' and Lily's graduated life...yet. I will type up one about their married life and stuff in a later fanfiction but this fanfic is not the one.
And I'm really happy with this one. I have to give lots of credit to the amazing authors on HPfanfiction.com who have been amazing inspiration and loads of help. They've helped me so much. THANK YOU! :') I have to say that I'm impressed with this one since I finished it a lot earlier than expected!
Note: The characters from the books (James, Lily, Sirius...) are all J.K.R's. The rest is pretty much mine's.
P.S. This is actually a very belated birthday present to a very special person, Jose Lee! :) This one's for you. And of course, as well as the next fanfiction about James and Lily's graduated life, I'm sure you'll find it most interesting...
I don’t know what to do. Yes, James Potter, has no idea what to do. I kissed Lily Evans. Intentionally.
I slowly take off my glasses and rub my face with my hands. This was too overwhelming. Lily Evans likes me. The woman of my dreams likes me. I know I like her too. I know everything Remus and Sirius have been saying was right.
I like Lily Evans. Absolutely captivated. Ever since I started to notice her in Third year. But what do I do about it? She’s been getting over me. I don’t know what’s in her head. I never do know. Does she still like me? What if she hates me like usual? But something should’ve happened after I kissed her…intentionally.
In some sort of weird, fucked up alternate universe, I could understand what was going on with Lily Evans. Unfortunately, I enjoyed this snog too much to analyze my possibilities in said alternate universe.
I’m trying very hard not to be a girl about it, but holy crap, my heart sped up a mile a second when she got near me. When she grabbed me and kissed me just now, I wanted so much to just steal her away from everyone. But I’m not sure if she’d agree to go anywhere with me, even if I did take her away…have her all to myself.
This is probably the happiest and saddest thing that’s happened to me all day.
Happiest because I get to see her, touch her, be near her. And get to her. Kiss those beautiful lips I have been fond of since we were kids. But, the saddest, because I know something sparked this. This kind of happiness is never going to truly happen between us. I’m not sure it can be.
The saddest because… it isn’t real.
So yes. James Harold Potter is scared. I’m scared that Lily loses her feelings for me. I’m scared she’ll start hating me again for not realizing all this earlier. I’m scared that I don’t know how to tell her I’m sorry. I scared that we won’t happen when I desperately want to…
I groan and return to the Gryffindor common room. The music’s too loud, the drinks and food aren’t delicious anymore and I don’t feel the same around Carly anymore. She smiles at me, “Finally back, James? Good, Sirius can bring out the cake! SIRIUS!”
But I’m not listening. I scan the room for Lily and she’s not there. I close my eyes. The same question is spinning around in my head.
What do I do?
I want to scream it out loud. I want to just run to wherever Lily Evans is and just ask her what do I do. She always has the answer. But this time, she is the answer.
“Prongs,” Remus chuckled next to me. “Time to blow out the candles.” I half-heartedly took a deep breath and blew until the tiny flames flickered and died.
Carly laughed at my side, “So…did you make a wish?” I looked down at her. Her red hair, the way she smiled, the sound of her laugh… She reminded me so much of Lily. Sirius and Remus were right. Carly was just a substitute for the girl who I really wanted. I thought I liked Carly but it was really Lily all along.
Carly, I wish Lily Evans were standing in your place right now.
The seat next to me was empty during Muggle Studies. James wasn’t at class today. He wasn’t at breakfast either. That was in a way, good. I didn’t know how to face him. I had no idea what to say or even how to react. It was too much for me to handle. I didn’t know if I should be the one who makes the first move or James.
And it continued for a whole week. No James anywhere. I had half a mind of going up the Boys’ dorm to just kick his sorry butt out of there and face reality. He can’t hide in there anymore. He can’t just drop out of school just because I snogged him. But then again, he was another girl’s guy. He was in a relationship. He was never mine. He cheated on Carly Carrington. I was going to try to just leave him alone. If he really wanted to be together, he’d just have to find me himself.
James finally came out on Friday evening. But believe it or not, I wasn’t pleased to see him out here. I barely glanced at him and just walked past. I could visibly see his smile fall, literally wiped off. His eyes dimmed and he opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it and snap the hole in his face shut.
This carried on for a whole week. I tried to avoid James as much as possible and I’ve been getting the feeling that he was doing the same. If I had no choice, I would answer in very simple sentences. But I couldn’t help noticing the forlorn expression on James face.
What was going on?
Remus’ POV
This was not normal. James Potter was in depression. This was impossible. James was the best prankster Hogwarts’ has ever seen and all of a sudden, he’s…gone.
“Prongs?” I shook him gently.
“Huh?” James suddenly jerks his head around to look at me. “What is it, Moony?” I sighed, “You’ve been on the same page for 5 whole minutes now.”
James blinked, “Oh, right.” He hastily flipped the page and started scanning the facts. I was getting worried. James wasn’t himself these days, I had noticed his eyes just glazing over at random intervals and just suddenly snapping at Sirius or Peter. But most of the time, his eyes were fixed on a certain redhead in the opposite corner of the common room. And now, he was doing it again. Just a few minutes after I got him out of his trance.
I studied his carefully as James stared at Lily. His eyes, usually filled with mischief, were now replaced with longing and something burning behind them. I wondered briefly if it was sadness or confusion.
“Prongs, what happened between you and her?” I asked quietly, bracing for a volley of sharp remarks. It happened often with James nowadays¾ he even reduced an innocent First year into tears just last night for asking him where was the Charms classroom. This was another part of the puzzle, James never talked so sharply about Charms before. Especially since it was Lily Evans’ best subject.
“I don’t know,” he replied flatly. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with her either.” There was no malice to his tone, just utter confusion and frustration and overwhelming sadness.
“I thought she told you she liked you,” I said softly, I was still sure we were walking on thin ice when talking about Lily.
“Yeah, but I don’t know how to face her,” James let out a massive sigh, closed his hazel eyes and sank lower into his armchair.
“Just tell her what you think,” I suggested.
James’ eyes suddenly flew open, they were now flashing with hostility, “D’you think it’s that easy, Remus? One moment she tells me she likes me and after that she’s completely ignoring me! And I don’t know how to handle it! What did I even do?” He snapped his Potions book shut with a loud thud! James stood up stiffly out of his armchair, “I’m going up to do Charms.” Then stalked off without a word.
I was a couple steps away from the Sixth Year girls’ dormitory when I feel a hand go around my waist.
“I think I’ve figured your game out, Evans,” he whispers in my ear.
I turn around. How the hell did he get up the stairs without it turning into a slide?
“There I was, sitting at my desk during Potions this morning, thinking about why you have been silent with me for quite a while. Then I thought about it some more while lounging on my bed doing Charms homework; and it hit me. I didn’t know why, but it just dawned on me out of nowhere. I don’t understand why I couldn’t have figured this out earlier,” James says to me slowly, smirking.
I take a deep breath and try to look away, but I guess I can’t do that, since I’m staring straight into his hazel eyes.
“All those quiet moments, one word answers, smart remarks and retorts to my questions… You’re giving me the silent treatment.”
DAMN.
“Oh, and I dragged myself up here, in case your wondering. Quidditch has given me enough strength to haul myself up the railing,” James adds.
He couldn’t have figured this out already…NO! It was going so well, and the fact that it had been going on for days; it was an accomplishment! Damn him and his Marauder skills of figuring out enigmas of all sorts.
I try to seem nonchalant about what he’s told me, and fold my arms.
“Maybe.”
He chuckles. “Don’t play with me, Evans. You should know that my Jack beats your Joker by a mile.” James rests his arm above me, coming in close contact with my face. Well, he’s sure of himself.
“I’m no Joker,” I say, playing back. If he wants to be a smart ass about this, then let him. I’ll be one, too. Let’s see how he likes it. “You’re the Joker, if anything. Only the Jack could have come up with the silent treatment and stump the Joker.”
“Who said I was stumped? Just simply confused.” He leans closer to me. The pools of butterscotch behind those horn-rimmed glasses and his unruly black hair were all I could see now.
Getting comfortable, now are we?
“I thought you were supposed to be the Jack?” I try not to smile.
He stays there for a while with out saying anything, and stares into my eyes.
I don’t like this.
The corner of his mouth curls just a bit, but before he can do anything I open the door from behind me, my hand twisting the brass knob behind my back. It would have gone great to have slammed it into his face and leave him there near the stairs. It would have also been great if I remembered the minor detail of his arm resting on the door as well. We both fall, James on top of me, and my back on the floor.
He catches the floor just in time so only some of his body weight really hits me. We’re lying on the floor (part of us in the girls’ dormitory, the other part sticking out of the door) and I’ve never been this nervous with James before; because it took me a while to register a tiny problem.
JAMES AND I HAVE OUR FEET STICKING OUT OF MY DORM.
We’re on the floor and our feet are just there for all to see. Have mercy, people are going to think we’re getting it on! This looks so bad. But before I try to think of a way to get up before anyone sees, struggling and turning under him, I notice my skirt flew up while we fell.
“Bloody…” He mumbles.
I’m so red right now that if you squeezed me tomato juice would come out.
I don’t know what to do. James Potter, the reason why I’m in denial, was practically on top of me. But at the same time, something ridiculously embarrassing happened. My bloody skirt flew up.
My life is shit.
“Woah, Evans!” he’s almost screeching now.
“Shut your mouth!” I cover his mouth with my hands and roll on him so I’m on top.
“You listen up, and you listen up good: If you don’t shut that hole in your face I’m going to shut it for you, understand?”
But when I let go he seems less than intimidated. “Only if it’s your mouth that’s shutting it for me.” He winks.
I know that wink too well.
I’m never going to hear the end of this.
“I didn’t know you wore such sexy undies, Evans,” I recognize the devilish twinkle in his eyes. He starts laughing and I can feel his stomach heaving up and down below me.
“None of your business,” I spit out before I can think. I get up off of James and point towards the door. I don’t care what he has to say to me, he just has to leave. Now.
He gets up and brushes himself off. “This isn’t over yet.” Playful and yet, charming. NOT.
I slam the door in his face. Maximum satisfaction.
Remus' POV
Fine then, if James wasn’t going to talk to Lily, the only way was to find out by myself.
Fine then, if James wasn’t going to talk to Lily, the only way was to find out by myself.
“Hello,” I seated myself beside Lily on one of the common room’s couch.
“What,” she turned her head to me. I notice that her eyes are equally drained. They reminded me so much of James’ mood now.
I was surprised at her cold tone, “Now why do I think that ‘What’ is one that is suited with a full stop and not a question mark?”
Lily rolled her eyes, “Honestly? Why do you even care?”
I snorted, “I care because it’s affecting James as well.” I heard her catch her breath, “Oh, really?” I could hear her forcing her voice to sound nonchalant. “Well, thanks for telling me.”
“Have you resolved your ‘little thing’ with James yet?” I throw the main question directly at her. No beating around the bush this time.
“Little thing? First off, Remus, you’re his mate. YOU ask him. Don’t just come to me at some random moment after dinner and expect an explanation for what ever is going on between him and I. Second off, there’s nothing going on between him and me, so there isn’t a problem to resolve. Goodbye,” Lily responded hotly to my question.
I nodded slowly at her words, “I agree to the first part but I’m not so sure about the second one.”
Lily arched one of her eyebrows, “And why is that, Remus Lupin?”
“Well, first off, James doesn’t share anything between you and him now. It’s different this month. And to clarify that ‘little thing’ you’re not willing to mention; you’re not talking to him right now when just two weeks ago, you told him you liked. He was living inside his head for a long time so I’m pretty sure this isn’t how somebody should act like him. And of course, I’ve been his good mate for years, but that doesn’t mean I know how to handle situations where he ignores us. Obviously I wouldn’t come to you if I didn’t already talk to Prongs, or try to. Can’t you see that?” I said, frustrated. This was worse than I thought.
“He was acting a bit more normal these past couple of months, a while after your birthday but James is doing it again after his own birthday. He’s an internal recluse to himself; or his friends rather. I haven’t decided. The James I know wouldn’t pull this kind of thing twice. He’s having a repetition. And I’m not a fan of it the second time around, considering it was annoying me to pieces the first time he was acting like this,” I continued.
Lily sighed, “Okay, Remus, you don’t need to get your wand in a twist.” On normal occasions when she said this, her lips would be curled up in a smile but this time, no humor was showing on Lily’s face. “Look, I appreciate the fact that you have the decency to share this heart felt bros over hoes love you have for James. Really, I understand that you love him like a brother. It’s understandable; you’ve been with him for years. But I don’t think you should come to me for help. We’re not on good terms now,” Lily closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the couch; worry lines were etched all over her face. I waited for her to explain. “Fine, I admit it. I don’t know what happened on his birthday. I don’t know why he’s acting like this now.”
Her answer was ridiculous. I had to suppress a smile; “I’m not asking you for help. Maybe you don’t understand what I’m talking about.”
“Maybe I don’t understand what you’re trying to say? The last time you came up to me to talk about this, you told me how understand James Potter more. Now, I seriously doubt your words. And it’s pissing me off, okay? It’s the bloody usual banter,” she snapped at me, sitting straight up on the couch again, her posture tense and rigid. Goodness me… She reminds me of James so much.
“Don’t you care about this at all?! You must have realized that this isn’t the usual banter. Something hit the both of you, hard. You don’t feel like this is changing anything and I don’t understand why you can’t just give me some insight on what’s going on in his head-”
“As if I know what’s going on in his head! He doesn’t listen to me like that anymore.”
“How can you see the differences in him and not be confused by it?!”
“Oh! Don’t even! He’s complicated my life five times as much this year. Everything I worry about, every tiny thing that confuses me… it’s all because of James!”
“Pfft. You’re not even trying to work things out! You’re just trying to fight fire with fire, I’ve noticed that-”
“Shut. Up. I’ve grown accustomed to things like this-”
“NOT things like this! The second time, Lily, the second time his attitude is jumping to different intervals. This can’t continue! I care about him enough to try and let him know that he’s changing when he does this. Prongs doesn’t see it. He’s blind to how others are seeing him now-”
“He seemed like his normal self today when he cornered me outside the girls’ Sixth Year dormitory!”
I felt as if something slapped me, “James as his normal self?”
“Yes!” Lily huffed. “He was all Marauder mode and just downright cocky again.”
“Something’s going on there,” I scratched my chin absentmindedly. Why was James acting normal with Lily when he was completely in denial with us? Okay, so I figured out the reason James was depressed was because of Lily Evans. But that was impossible! Lily was the woman of his dreams. Why would James be so sad because her? This did not make any sense.
Then it hit me. Good, now I knew what to do with them.
“Lily!” I turned around to see who was calling me. I saw Remus running out of the Great Hall that was still bustling with people eating dinner.
“Oh, hey, Remus,” I waved.
“I-I-I need to show you something,” Remus was panting like he had just run a mile.
“Um, okay?” I was a bit startled by this behavior. Remus suddenly grabs my hand and drags me away from the throng of students making their way back to their common rooms.
“Hey! What’s the big idea?” I snap. There was a perfectly good excuse to get a bit irritated when some guy just drags me away without telling me where we’re going and expect me to be all excited. “What’s going on?”
Remus doesn’t answer until we get the end of the corridor on the seventh floor. Suddenly, a door appeared. WOAH, I’m pretty sure that door wasn’t there a minute ago!
“Don’t hate me for this, Lily. But it’s driven me to the edge!”
What on earth is he babbling about?
“Remus? What happened? What do you need to show me?”
“It’s…um…actually what you need to show me.” Excuse me? Is he even making any sense at all?
Before I know it, Remus opens the door (which I swear was NOT THERE before!) and shoves me inside quickly. He’s just propelled me in an open room! What am I, a doggy toy? I don’t even know where the hell I am!
I balance myself and try not to trip from his forceful shove, as I try to gather my surroundings. It’s a dark, humid room. Almost like a small basement. And if I stay in here anymore, I’m not going to be able to stand it unless I take off my hoodie; there aren’t any windows for fresh air either.
“Remus, what is this place-” I start, but I never get to finish. Remus shuts the door closed.
HOLY FREAKS!
“Open this damned door!” I shouted, frantically trying to turn the knob.
“I’m sorry, Lily!” I heard Remus apologizing on the other side of the door.
THEN HE LOCKED THE BLOODY DOOR.
“REMUS LUPIN!” I screamed. “Open this door right now!”
I yelled death threats and promises of lethal hexes and curses but there’s no use. I could hear his footsteps slowly fading. I was positively boiling with rage. Remus Lupin had some nerve to go locking people in rooms.
I quickly scan the doorknob. There’s no keyhole so I don’t¾wait for a darn moment, what’s happening? The door is disappearing! Yeah, I know. Give it to Hogwarts for having disappearing doors in random rooms. But instead of thinking about another threat I could catch his attention with, realization hits me as I stare at the blank wall, with no door in sight.
I don’t have my wand!
What was I supposed to do? How long was I supposed to be in here? There’s no doubt Remus has charmed the door to disappear and appear at his own will, he isn’t stupid. There was no non-magical way out.
“Well,” I hear from behind me. My back stiffens. The green eyes that are attached to my head feel like they are being ripped out, because of the force I’m pushing on them to bulge out of my head. I know that voice from anywhere. I turn around the dark room, and from the wall, I see him flip the light switch. His arms are crossed as he’s leaning against the gray wall, and it looks like he didn’t shave this morning. I mean, James Potter doesn’t have a beard, but he has some teenage boy facial hair thing going on. And I hadn’t seen him all day. I didn’t have Muggle Studies today, and any other classes I had with him, I guess he skipped- because he wasn’t there.
This makes him look a bit husky; the way the light’s hitting him.
“Remus is a charmer, isn’t he?” He asks rhetorically, peering up through his messy hair at me. His face is a mix between that marauder smile and his traditional smirk, with an amused- but surprised- glimmer in his eyes.
I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL REMUS LUPIN.
“Did you plan this?!” I ask, slowly getting more and more furious by the minute. Remus is such a little bitch for locking me in a room with James.
“Of course!” James snorted. “I planned getting pummeled to the ground like an Muggle American football star by dear Moony, getting slapped across the face when he blind folded me and dragged me into the Room of Requirement by my hair. Punches, kicks and hexes were all part of the package.”
“The Room of Requirement?”
“You’ve honestly never heard of this room? People have been searching for this place around the castle for years! And you haven’t even heard of it!”
“I’m sorry,” I replied dryly. “I tend to be too busy to hear about lost rooms in Hogwarts with all the party hopping and drunken festivities I attend…”
“Let’s just say that we’re standing in a somewhat historical landmark,” James rolled his eyes.
“Historical landmarks in Hogwarts. Wow, original.”
“Stop picking a fight with me, Evans. We’ve been in here for barely fifteen minutes and you’re already trying to start a row with me.”
I ignored him and wander around the room, walking the farthest direction from him while doing so, taking in my surroundings. The light doesn’t shine too far. The center of the room is the brightest, and the light kind of glimmers all the way to the back wall. Was this a sort of spare room that people used for storage or something?
“The room changes to what ever you need it to be. The door appears when you think about it,” James tells me, reading my face. James Potter had this uncanny ability to know me inside out. It irked me, a lot.
My head turns back to him. “Really?”
“Yep. If you needed to calm down and go to sleep all of a sudden, and you walked in front of the door while thinking about it, the door would appear and lead you to a room with a bed. It’s all about what you visualize in your mind, and the room manifests itself for your needs.”
“Classy.”
“You have no idea.”
I watch James intently.
Wow, it is getting immensely hot in here, for real. Is it just my imagination? James seems to not be affected by it, because he looks comfortable-
“Damn, it could not get any hotter in here,” James says out of nowhere, taking his blue shirt off, I idly notice it’s from Armani Exchange then I remember James loves Armani Exchange. With his shirt off, he exposes his white beater.
Never mind.
“Why would Remus do this?!” I burst out, trying not to get distracted by his broad shoulders.
“I have no idea, honestly. I’m actually quite curious to why he’d go to all this trouble to get you and me in his Grandmother’s basement,” he shrugs.
“He visualized his Grandma’s basement to put us it, didn’t he?” I ask disbelievingly.
So this is like an exact replica of the basement.
His Grandma’s basement.
That he’s used as my death trap.
“Calm down. You make us sound hostages,” James says, taking a seat on the hard floor. That’s exactly what I feel like: a hostage!
“What are you doing?” I say to his sitting figure.
“Well, I don’t have my wand- and you surely don’t have your wand, because you would have hexed me already if you did- and I have the feeling that we’re going to be here for a while, so I might as well get comfortable. And, Moony’s Gran doesn’t have chairs in her basement.”
Stab me.
No, really.
In the heart.
Please.
A stake through the chest.
A tsunami slam in the ass.
Anything, I’ll take anything!
This was not normal. To be alone, with James Potter… Not to mention, high proximity! After what happened between us. I was afraid to look at him directly in the eye. This was too awkward…almost unnatural. There was too much tension in the air.
“How long are we going to be in here?” My voice is alarming, getting squeakier with every word I speak.
“Uh, how the hell should I know? I can’t even tell how it is outside, because there aren’t any windows. There isn’t a clock in here anywhere, so neither of us is going to be able to track the time as it passes,” James says with annoyance.
“Annoyed about something, Potter?”
He raises his eyebrows, probably surprised that I caught the annoyance in his statement.
“Well.”
“Well, what?”
“I kinda had plans for tonight.”
“With Carly?” I immediately wanted to slap myself for saying that. Shut up! I could see James wince visibly, “Yes. She’s probably going to be livid at me for standing her up tonight.”
I shrugged, “Just tell her that git Remus Lupin kidnapped you to have a chat in a basement.” I wanted to kick myself in the arse again. You bloody like this guy and you’re giving him dating advice…AGAIN!
James chuckled, “Right. Very convincing.”
Alright, now I am sweating profusely. There has GOT to be a fan or something…
I take a big breath and pull my hair back in a ponytail.
James reads my face again. “Try to deal with it, because Moony’s Gran has never really invested in air conditioning.”
“Stop reading my faces,” I snap. Why did James have this uncanny ability to know every single thing about me?
“It’s not my fault you show yourself like an open book,” he responds quickly. I frown.
“I don’t know how you’re not twitching under that zip up sweatshirt,” he comments.
“That’s my concern, not yours,” I correct.
There is no way I’m taking off my hoodie. NO! I won’t do it. If anything, I’d put more clothes on. He’s seen enough of me already. I’m not exposing myself in front of him anymore.
“You’re going to regret it later,” James says, wiping the sweat off the back of his neck.
“I don’t care.”
He smirks. “Okay.” I ignore his smirk and continue.
“Why are you so calm? Am I the only one who seems to be a bit freaked out about this? I dunno about you, but I want to leave.”
“I’m calm because I realized before that there was no use trying to get out. Remus has us trapped. So you might a well make the best of it; that’s my theory. So suck it up, Evans.”
He’s smiling.
I’m not.
“There’s nothing here to make the best of,” I retort.
“You say that now.” I’m ridiculously peeved by this very answer.
I narrow my eyes; my only weapon at the moment.
“But, you’re kind of right,” James adds. “There’s nothing to work with to make the situation better. Especially in this basement. It’s getting hotter and humid by the minute, and the only thing close to furniture is that desk over there.” James points to the oak desk down a couple shelves from us.
What he’s saying is true, though. There are a million shelf stands and broken tables everywhere, and the only thing that isn’t a complete wreck is the said desk he’s referring to.
“If we fall asleep or get tired, we’re gonna have to use the ground as a lounge. And we can’t do anything about going to the bathroom; we’ll have to hold it until Remus comes back,” James finishes.
“This sucks big orange popsicles,” I conclude. I cringed at how immature that sounded.
He laughs, “Why don’t we just do something to pass time?”
I snort, “I doubt Remus locked us in here to play 20 Questions.” Or did he? Suddenly, a million questions run through my head.
Why haven’t you broken up with Carly yet, if you really did mean what you said on your birthday? What are we? What do you think of me? Do you really like me? Why have been acting so weirdly these days?
But all I say is, “So…what are you doing after escaping from this sauna?”
“Probably to find Carly and explain.” A burst of anger shoots through me. Why the fuck am I feeling angry? Carly is his girlfriend! He totally has a right to go to her. I shook myself mentally. GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF, WOMAN.
“You?”
“I have no idea.”
“Come on, this is getting boring,” He stretches his arms out and I can see his developed muscles, thanks to the many years of Quidditch. I tear my eyes away, and try to find something interesting to stare at. I finally fix my eyes on the eagle shaped logo on his shirt. That’s right; just think of the new season of Armani Exchange. The Date Night collection is really good and-
“I can’t find any explanation to why you are always so flexible at every single turn of unexpected events. You seem to not care when things go awry,” I suddenly mumble. He gazes at me, tilting his head.
“Things change. All the time. I take what life throws at me with open arms,” he says simply. Oh, the irony.
It’s silent for a while and I start to pant, pushing the loose hairs away from my face. I can feel the heat almost burn under my hoodie. I want to claw at the walls.
“I told you. Take it off,” he taunts. “Stop that,” I glare. “Stop analyzing me.”
“I’m not analyzing anything.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“YES.”
“NO.”
I huff. “Just because you notice things about me, doesn’t give you the right to think about what I’m thinking.”
He chuckles. “…What?” My face is a bit flushed now.
“Evans, that made almost no sense!” he laughs, lying down on the ground with a soft pat. James rubs his stomach as he chuckles.
Stupid chuckles. They need to die.
“Shut up,” I tell him.
James stops snickering almost immediately. “Make me.” His face is filled with such interest.
James gets up and brushes off his backside. “Let’s rummage through the Lupin Family’s history.” He walks over to the dozens of shelf stands, skimming the boxes that are taking up every space on the wooden shelves.
“Those are personal, Potter! Mind your own business.” But I, too, stand up and brush off the dust from my butt. I try to ignore the sweat I can feel running down the back of my legs.
“It’s not like I’m some no good stranger. Besides, these things aren’t real. They’ll disappear as soon as we leave this room, so it’s not as if I’m really snooping, because we’re not really in his grandmother’s basement.”
“So? It doesn’t make it any better,” I say in defeat.
James rolls his eyes. “I’m just skimming for something entertaining. I suggest you do the same, before your eyeballs roll to the back of your head from boredom.” James is now opening a cardboard box labeled ‘Summer ‘89’.
I guess it couldn’t hurt to just look around, right?
I skip passed a couple broken tables and shelves. There’s one pink plastic container that catches my attention. I open it slowly, and find a set of arranged perfumes.
“Oh,” I say in wonder. I think these are his granny’s old presumes because all these scents are at least twenty years old. Wow, old school perfumes! Who would have thought she was a fan of Chanel in the sixties? My fingers touch the lids with caution. These must be expensive.
“Look!” I hear James call. I turn around and see him peering in between two shelves. He’s wearing the most obnoxious neon green sunglasses I’ve ever seen. A laugh escapes my lips as I stare at the bright fake-diamond encrusted rims.
“No wonder you’re such a ladies’ man,” I say sarcastically.
“It’s these mac daddy shades, dog.”
I close my eyes and try not to giggle. I turn back to the perfume box. These beautiful scents, they’re so…vintage.
I can’t help myself from taking one out of the container. I examine it; on the lid, in gold décor, Amore – Lust #5 is imprinted. My eyes dance as I take off the lid and put a few sprits on my neck. It smells like roses and chocolate, in a peachy blend, mixed with strawberries and a hint of coconut.
DAMN. This perfume is intense. I cough a bit as I try to read the back of the bottle. But, I can’t- it’s all in Italian. Hm, there’s the seal of approval by the Witch’s Association, of Profumeria Co., Venice, Italy.
Woah, they stopped making perfumes in Venice for the Witch’s Association in the middle of the sixties! They were banned in 37 countries, except England, I think. Something about an illegal ingredient…
Oh, now the scent is up my nasal passages! Crap. I totally forgot we were stuck in an inferno. The warm air’s making the scent stronger than it already is-
My mind’s just gone blank.
I don’t know why, but for some reason, I can feel the scent of Amore – Lust #5 seeping into my brain and lungs; it feels like I have no control over my body, almost!
Uh, what’s going on?!
What is in this perfume?!
I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe, and the temperature in the room has now sky rocketed. My skin is practically flaming now. I start gasping. I try to walk away from the shelf slowly, dropping the bottle back in the pink container. I bump into James from behind, and he takes a hold of my shoulders.
“You okay? I heard you breathing kinda weird, Lily-”
He stops talking. And it takes my mind a couple seconds to realize I had put one finger slowly on top of James Potter’s lips, silencing him. I hear his breath catch in his throat. There’s this whispering sound…almost- as James slowly closes his eyes and his breath catches in his throat again. I don’t know if my eyes are playing trick on me, but I see this mix of pink and white smoke swirling up his nose. The scent is so intoxicating that I almost forget where we are.
I get stuck staring at James’s hazel eyes. Is this really happening? Has something come over me? Because all I can think about is the feeling of his touch; his hands roughly positioned on my shoulders. His hands feel like burning irons and I can feel it all the way to my bones. I can’t stand it anymore. The fire tickling me under my sweat, and trickling down my neck. And that’s when it hits me.
The manly smell of James Potter’s Axe body cologne radiating off his chest.
Everything is in slow motion now. Every heartbeat, every breath, every blink of the eye; I can hear it all.
His hands slide down my shoulders, traveling to the sides of body slowly, and stop at my hips. We’re both breathing hard- as if every time we inhale, the wind gets knocked out of us. I’m momentarily paralyzed and my mind is screaming in protest.
But I feel like my brain is all fluffy and float-y. Like it’s taken a swim in the ocean. So relaxing... It all spongy and fuzzy as well. I can’t control much, I only can watch.
My hands, which have been cradled around his shoulders this entire time, are now sliding down his back. I let my fingers linger on his skin before I continue to graze down the length of his white beater. He shudders a bit at my touch. Is it because he doesn’t know what’s going on, or because this is really me and him doing this?
I doubt our minds (his and mine) realize what’s going on, so probably the former.
When I finally reach the waistband of his jeans, I put my fingers thought his belt loops and rest them there. “Lily. What’s going on…?” James croaks. He is still breathing heavily; and so am I. This feeling, not having enough oxygen in your lungs, it burns. It does a lot more than just suffocate.
“I don’t know,” I tell him. But it doesn’t feel like me. It doesn’t sound like me. I feel the pain in my nose and lungs, but my mind- my mind feels like it’s in heaven. Some sort of oasis. I feel so detached from my body that every thought I try to form turns to liquid. There is only one thing on my mind and only one thing important to me right now. And I’m looking straight at him.
My heart’s beating a mile a minute and we both lean in; our faces looking at each other as if in deep concentration. Every so often, we pause and look at each other, just to make sure the other is still there. By the time there’s only an inch apart from our lips, we’ve already closed the gap.
I feel his lips slowly; every centimeter it took for his mouth to fully be on mine.
James Potter’s lips were warm and almost welcoming. You know that feeling, when it’s the first day of summer, and as soon as you open the door to the outside you feel the sun’s rays captivate you, and you can do nothing but close your eyes, tilt your head upward, and smile inwardly as you enjoy the warmth?
This is exactly what that feels like.
He tugs at my waist, bringing me closer to him. We part, and take another burning breath, and I can hear his heart pounding in my ears. I look at him and he looks at me, as we rest our foreheads together. I wonder… Does he hear how hard my heart is beating, too? James is breathing through his nose, trying to slow down his heart rate, but it’s not working. I almost smile at this.
All of a sudden, James puts his hands on a lower position on my body and lifts me up in a scruffy manner, knocking my hooked finger our of his belt loops. Loving the fact that he’s taken the initiative, I take his face fully into my hands, and forcefully start kissing him. His one hand stays where it is, holding me up. The other is caressing my back.
James stumbles back, a bit surprised by the force of my kiss. My thumbs caress his jaw line and he pulls back after a while to look me fully in the face. His hands are holding me up as my legs are wrapped around him. He moves forward all the way in the back of the room, as I resume kissing him. He leads us over to the oak desk in the center of the shelves and plops me down on it. James takes his hands and puts them on my neck, and in my hair. In one fluid motion, he slides the hair band out of my hair, throwing it behind him.
Our faces are sweating, but it’s not as if we can tell, nor would we care. Our mouths are glued together. His hands are everywhere. In my hair, on my back, cupping my face. My hands are everywhere, too. On his waist, around his neck, tangled in his hair. With my long hair flowing freely I get the urge to do something unthinkable.
I unzip my hoodie.
I rip if off my sleeves in a rush and toss it out of our way. I’m only in my tank top now. Oh, how wonderful it feels now, with out that thick hoodie…
But it’s getting hotter.
I can feel the dampness on his back. Before we part again for air, I take a hold of his white beater and grab enough of it, about a handful, to pull off. James grunts and helps me as we take it off. My hands marvel about his chest, and wander down his perfect stomach. I try to take in as much as I can. I look at his bare chest as he kisses my neck and I can’t help but notice how beautiful it is. I can now say that James Potter is no boy. He is a man. Built tough to play hard; that’s what the girl’s would say about him when they saw James on the Quidditch Pitch.
I look at his torso, and how manly he’s becoming. James has an amazing body.
He lifts his head up and takes my face in his hands and says, “Lily, I love-”
But then it stops. Everything stops.
The wind is almost knocked out of me.
I can no longer hear his heart beat.
I can no longer feel the burning in my lungs.
I cannot see anything but him in front of me.
For one single moment, the entire world is silent. It’s just us. James and I, standing there and looking at each other, having no idea what just happened.
Suddenly, there was a loud thump behind us. We snap our heads around and see Remus Lupin holding open the door. I instantly let go of James ad step away from him.
“Uh, guys?” I heard him ask. “What happened?” I didn’t stick around to hear more. I immediately dashed past him. I let my instincts take over; I let my feet lead to wherever they want because I’m just beyond furious.
Furious because I like James and it’s just taken me so much time to realize this. Furious because James had liked me all this time when I was in denial and I was just so stupid to notice.
I ram my knuckles into the wall. The pain barely affects me now. I keep punching the wall, over and over again. Why was I so blind? AGAIN! My knuckles are bleeding now but I don’t care. I’m past the point of caring¾there was too much in my head right now to even care.
That’s it, I vowed to myself. Enough of guessing and uncertainty. If I like James Potter so much and he likes me back, then so be it. I was going to get to him.
Unfortunately, the world does not spin in my direction. He wasn’t there at breakfast or in any of the classes in the morning. He was definitely not there at Muggle Studies, the sixth lesson and I doubt he would show up for the seventh. And that was where I was heading now.
“Lily!” I turned around to see who had called me. Remus was right behind me, coming out of the Muggle Studies classroom.
“Remus,” I nodded curtly. I was still angry at him for locking me in a room with James.
“Um…James asked me to give you this,” Remus held out his arm, my hoodie from last night was hanging over it.
“Thanks,” I muttered, my face was growing warm already. Calm down, I told myself. It’s not like Remus saw what happened between us.
“About last night,” Remus started. “I honestly didn’t mean for you two to snog. I just wanted you two to make up.”
“Why?” I said bluntly.
Remus took a deep breath, “Because I’ve figured out why is James acting like this.”
“And?”
“Well, it is confirmed that James does like you, a lot,” Remus continued. “But he’s too scared to say it out loud.”
I snorted, “He should just say it out loud. No need to avoid me and have all these silly denial phases and depression stages.”
Remus shook his head, “Didn’t you feel the same thing as well, Lily? When you like, or even love someone, you’re so scared that they don’t like you back. You’re scared that to the other person, it’s going to be just a big joke. And James is scared because he’s afraid the person he wants most is going to go back hating his guts.”
“Then what about him being himself when he’s with me?”
“I’ve watched you two very carefully over the past few weeks. What ever you don’t have, James has. What ever he doesn’t have, you seem to be the reason it’s been taken away from him. I don’t know if either of you have thought about it, but you both are very interesting people. And you two are more alike than either of you could imagine,” Remus said slowly.
I stared at Remus to let the words sink in, “And Remus…there was this perfume that you grandmother had in there…” I wasn’t sure how to put this to Remus. “Well, it just took over me and...”
“Yeah, I asked James and my grandmother about that,” Remus cut in. “My grandmother was actually quite the looker when she was a teenager. Boys flocked to her and tried to win her over but she was just sick of it. So she bought this perfume. And this perfume is actually a sort of truth potion; it lets the wearer to know the other person’s true intentions. Most of the time, when she wore it, the guys would just spew rubbish of her looking good and all that but none of them was really that interested in her. Until she found one person who showed her true desire to be with her and let’s just say someone related to me was created that night. And James told me the same too. Just that your skin felt like fire on his.”
Impossible. I was utterly dazed by his words, “So you mean… That night, we both wanted each other.”
Remus nodded gravely, “Not just last night I’m afraid. I think you both are in love with each other. Well, at least I know James is definitely in love with you.”
“Where is he?”
“Common room,” Remus answered. I spun on my heel and head quickly to Gryffindor Tower, totally ignoring the fact that I was seriously late for the last lesson of the day.
Fuck classes, I had my teenage years to worry about.
So there I was, skiving off classes just because I couldn’t face this girl. Especially after last night and what that prat, Remus, had told me just this morning…
Holy shit.
Lily and I wanted to make out with each other!
I mean, I knew I wanted to make out with her, but bloody!
That perfume… it made us realize that we wanted to-?
“Yeah,” Moony says, standing up, “That’s about it. All you need to know about the perfume. The only thing you need to figure out is why Lily ran off like she did.”
“So you’re saying if I see Lily again, she’s going to chew me out for this?”
“Yes.”
I think for a second and come to an understanding.
“I’m not getting up,” I say simply, falling back on my bed again.
“Don’t be an arse!” He tells me.
Hah, as if I’m the one who locked two people in a basement.
“I’m not being an arse. I’m not ready to see her and deal with her bitching me out about our problems as a non-couple. I can’t deal with that.”
“She isn’t going to ‘bitch you out’,” he air quotes. Hey, that’s Lily’s thing! And he better toss out this attitude. I hate it when he goes into Father mode. It ticks me off. Maybe he needs reminding that I’m not his little boy who needs to be taken care of. I can take care of myself!
“From brother to brother, try to understand how I want so much to crawl under my bed with Mr. Blanky and eventually turn into a hobo more than I want to talk to Lily Evans at the moment.”
“From brother to brother, I gotta say – you’re acting like a dickwad.”
“That’s absurd,” I defend.
“You’re absurd.”
“Does that even matter to me now, Remus Lupin?”
“The point is, you’re skipping school and lounging for some stupid reason.”
I conjure up a bottle of butterbeer and Firewhiskey. Remus gives me a worried look as I hand him the butterbeer.
“It’s not a stupid reason. I just can’t face Lily at the moment.”
“And when will this moment pass, Prongs? When you grow an Amish beard and your 30th birthday comes around? You have no intention of actually getting over this. I can’t leave you here for the next fourteen years. You’re a teenager, damn it. Live your life, James. I thought you’d man up by now. You seemed so set on going about the day this morning when I found you, but you’ve locked yourself away and ditched all your classes. You’re a prefect, you know!”
I use the bottom of my shirt and pop open the Firewhiskey bottle. Prefect duties can suck it vacuum style, because I need some boos.
“What are you doing?” Remus asks, but he’s saying it in that smart arse way that means he knows what you’re doing but asks you anyway because he likes busting your chops.
“I am going to engage in drowning myself in Firewhiskey, if you don’t mind.”
“Great. That’s fantastic. Perfect. Drown your sorrows away, why don’t you. You belong on Dr.Phil. You make me sick.”
“Remus, has your family been watching reality TV again?”
He shudders. “Just my grandmother.”
“She seems like a great gal, by the way,” I mention, trying to get things off topic.
“Don’t ignore me, Prongs. You’re turning into a drunk.”
“I am not! I haven’t even drunk anything yet.”
I tilt my head back and take a big gulp of the Firewhiskey.
“Alright, NOW you can call me a drunk.”
“It’s not even past noon!” He takes the bottle away from me, and I try to lick his hand away.
“James. Stop that.”
“No!”
“Stop trying to lick me!”
“I am the mighty Giant Squid of the Sea!” I pretend I have claws, and start to growl.
“That’s enough alcohol for you.”
Remus is too quick for me and Accio’s the bottle. I take a nosedive to the ground in my attempt to grab it back.
“Argh,” I mumble from the ground.
“Sorry, what’s that?” Remus annoying asks.
“You’re a wanker, that’s what.”
“Takes one to know one,” he slyly replies.
Ew, Remus Lupin has attitude.
“Get up.”
“I don’t want to, Moony, just leave me alone. Let me die here and rot in the black abyss that is my life.”
“How about the fantastic opportunity to talk to Lily once and for all, that is your life?”
“How about I haven’t shaved and I feel like I’m growing shrubbery on my face, that is my life?”
Remus throws his hands in the air and gives a girlish scream. I laugh uncontrollably at his poof-ness while he yells at me.
“Get your arse up, Prongs! I dragged you into the Room of Requirement with enough strength – I can drag you out of your own dorm into the common room, too!” He counters.
Oh, frogs. I hate it when he thinks rationally. If I’m going to get up and make an epic failure of my life by talking to Lily, I might as well have some fun at Moony’s expense.
“Oh, fine. What ever you say… Oprah.”
Remus looks insulted. “It’s Dr. Phil!”
I sigh, leaning further into the armchair in the common room. Apparently Moony wants me to work out stuff with Lily Evans. I still have a little over an hour since she probably just finished her sixth lesson and was heading to her seventh.
I remember what happened in the Room of Requirement last night. I remember the heated snog. And, of course, I remember Lily practically sprinting out of the door when Moony opened it.
I wanted to go after her. But I can’t move.
I tell myself to get a grip. To go after her. She’s worth it. She’s worth it, damn it! And I can’t lose her like this.
Her mere presence cuts through my thoughts. I had a feeling that Remus told her about me. I raise my eyebrows at this. She skived off classes just to come here? Just to talk to me? She walks past me and drops down into a couch in front of me so her back is facing me. That’s good. I can’t face her either.
My eyes flicker over to the portrait hole and by some unspoken spell, the lock clicks.
“You don’t have your wand,” she says just above a hoarse whisper.
I would smile if this situation weren’t so screwed up to the third degree. One of the things I loved about Lily was her ridiculously observant sense. Sure, it drove me off the cliff for more than a few times but I liked it, “No, I don’t.”
“You can do magic without a wand.” It isn’t a question. She’s certain.
“Affirmative.”
“Since when?”
“We both know we’re not here to talk about wandless magic.”
She turns around and I see the diamonds in her eyes. And the reason she’s had emerald diamonds in her eyes was because she had tears in them. Tears that are now running down her face.
Lily’s crying. I purse my lips from trying to think about what she’s thinking about. Because we both know the answer. And it’ll take only one of us to say it out loud enough to make it real. I want nothing more than have her here with me. There’s no way I’m saying it.
“Fine, let’s talk,” she says. I dread those very words.
But somehow, I manage to say, “Let’s.”
Once and for all.
The room is quiet. Still.
As we both wait for the other to begin speaking.
I’d make a joke about how the birds chirping outside are having a better time than us, but the only thing I can think about is nothing. My mind is so blank I kind of don’t know how to think and how this is supposed to fall out. The ending won’t be good. It isn’t supposed to be good – I mean look at the statistics. Do I want to tell the truth?
James is sitting in a comfortable chair against the wall, while I’m sitting across from him on the back of the common room sofa. We’re looking at each other now. He’s rubbing his chin and I’m crossing my arms.
“I’m not speaking first.”
I hesitantly raise my eyebrows. “You already did.”
His eyes are smiling for a moment, and he gives me a significant nod. “True.”
Another minute passes in silence.
“Okay,” he croaks. “Let me just say this: for the record, I’m sorry I acted like an arse this month. Everything was set off by the party, and after that, I got kind of weird…”
“You think?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry for that. I left you in the dark. It was one party, one night, that kinda meant something to me.”
I look at him completely dumbfounded. He really said that just now, didn’t he?
“I shouldn’t have taken it so far with both of us, but at the same time I felt I had the right to. What I do take full responsibility for is making you feel uncomfortable for all month. I just didn’t know how to deal.”
“…Oh.”
He scratches the back of his head. I know that was hard for him to say.
“That night at the party, something happened for me, too,” I begin.
Everything changed, James.
All of it. All of it was turned upside down.
Nothing made sense anymore, did it?
“How did we end up like this?” he asks.
I crinkle my eyebrows, no response in my head. “I don’t know.”
“This whole situation is fucked up,” James concludes.
“Very,” I agree.
“I can’t decide whether to be completely honest, or just enough to tie loose ends. But if I’m not completely honest, I’ll feel like I’m cheating my way out. And at the same time I feel that if I told the honest truth, it would complicate things even more. Then things would definitely change.”
“It doesn’t have to-”
“It will,” he says strongly. “Trust me.”
My face tightens at his words. Trust me. He is saying it loosely, I know, but behind the face of those words is a door. And I can’t help but walk through it.
“How can I trust you when I keep handing it to you, only to have it thrown back in my face?”
Surprised by my snap, he leans back away from me.
“You haven’t trusted me in years. Why start now?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“This isn’t making any sense,” I burst, shaking my head repeatedly. “Don’t give me a talk about trusting you and then tell me not to. Merlin, all you do is play with my head!”
“Hah! All I did was say to trust me about this. Don’t go off about how bad I am and how all this is my fault. I said my part.”
My mouth falls open. “I didn’t say it was your fault.”
He scoffs. “Like you’ve never thought up the reasons why everything happened? Like you never blamed me? Admit it. Blaming me is easier than dealing with all these changes.”
“Why are you all of a sudden just snapping at me?!” I annoyingly ask him. Anger takes me for a ride as I claw the couch cushions.
He looks off, and I’m left with staring at his profile.
I hate that I can see the contours of his face.
The way his nose leads down to his lips, down to his chin, and his strong neck.
I hate that I can’t look away.
“Why do you keep secrets, obvious ones, because you can’t tell me the truth?”
Remus told me you loved me, James.
It can’t be true.
Show me that.
“Why can’t you face me, ever, when you freak out? I remember when I used to be the one you went to when you had a problem.”
“When we were in First year,” he said curtly. “And those problems were usually about deadlines of homework.”
He still hasn’t looked at me.
“I need you to tell me something.” My voice is shaky, and I know he notices this. But he still doesn’t move. Doesn’t even flinch from his position. I ignore the annoyance he is causing me.
“I need to know something about you that I found out about not too long ago.”
His jaw clenches.
“What is this regarding?” James Potter’s voice echoes off the common room walls. It sounds darker, deep…more intense.
“You and me.”
He sighs, completely annoyed and agitated, but he still doesn’t move his face. I furrow my eyebrows.
What the hell? Could he be any more stoic?
“I’ve been talking to a friend.”
What ever you don’t have, James has. What ever he doesn’t have, you seem to be the reason it’s been taken away from him. I don’t know if either of you have thought about it, but you both are very interesting people. And you two are more alike than either of you could imagine.
Remus Lupin’s words echo in my head. He said that James and I were compatible because we were so different. I have to do this. I have to tell James what Remus said.
“Remus, actually,” I clarify out loud.
I have never seen James so rigid in all my life. His shallow breaths are being exhaled through his nose and I feel like he’s having a heart attack in front of me. Oh, jeez. I don’t think I should have said that¾his best friend spilling all the beans to me. No, I have to say this. I need to know. It’s about time I grew a backbone.
“You honestly believe what he says,” James tells me. His voice is so harsh and low, it’s as if I can see the walls building up around him; he’s blocking me out.
“Yes, I do.”
And I’d believe what you’ll say.
Just look at me.
“He told me something very interesting, and I need to know if it’s true-”
“I can’t believe this.”
My breath hitches in my throat, and I look down. “What?” I whimper.
“You actually think we are going to talk about this here. Now.” He still hasn’t looked at me, and I have no idea how he must be feeling.
“Yes,” I answer honestly.
“You’re absolutely mad. You know nothing, that’s for sure.”
I cross my arms as he continues.
“What ever Remus said, or might have mentioned…don’t trust him. They’re all lies,” he almost roars. I ignore the ringing in my ears, and the silence his ear-splitting voice just broke, as he continues.
As if I haven’t already trusted Remus enough. I’d much rather trust him than you, you ass.
“Look at me, James.” The fact that he can’t look at me while talking to me is pissing me the fuck off and you have no freaking idea how much. I could just go up to him and rip his chin off, make him look in my direction. I’m doing one of the hardest things ever, and he has the balls to look away from me the entire time. I momentarily forget what we are talking about: Remus, love, hate, us.
I get up, with strength I didn’t know I had, and walk up to him.
James’s body does a sharp, awkward movement between standing up and pushing the chair back at the same time. He does it so quickly and stiffly, it was just like he had been electrocuted. He’s still looking at the ground, knowing he can’t get up and walk away without seeing me. Or even escaping me all together. I’m too close now and he has to deal.
I take his face in my hands and jerk his head so he’s looking at me. He looks so different. The hard shield he put on just seconds ago vanishes as soon as I stare into his hazel eyes.
“Why do you do that? Look at me when I talk to you!” I snap at him.
“I can’t!” James pushes me off and covers his face with his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. I calm myself and slowly get closer. I kneel down in front of him, put my hands on top of his, and slide his hands away from his face.
“Why can’t you look at me? Do I bother you that much?” I ask. My voice sounds very desperate now.
James looks at me, and his eyes look so sad. Just like a puppy, only cuter. Woah, did I just think that?
Oh, dear.
“You think that your face bothers me?” he laughs weakly. “You have no idea how hard it is to look at you and not be able to…”
Oh, dear.
“Be able to do what?” I push. My eyes are pleading. Am I crossing the line? Should I be pushing him to tell me something that may be private? That may change everything?
He laces his fingers through mine and moves close to my face. He gazes at me, and he doesn’t mumble a thing; he’s just looking at my face. For some reason I feel like I want to cry. I close my eyes and try to hold back tears. I wish I wasn’t such a crybaby. A wimp. A loser.
He leans in and he puts his cheek on mine and it stays there for a while. I manage to forget about crying, but I keep my eyes closed anyway. I’m afraid to open them. He moves and puts his nose to my nose, and then rests his forehead on mine.
Oh, dear.
James moves his lips… and kisses me.
I can’t think of anything. Nothing at all.
My heart is beating in my chest. He pulls away all too quickly and whispers with his eyes closed, “I wanted this one to be real.”
I gasp and open my eyes. He slowly opens his too.
I try to steady my breathing, letting his words sink in.
He knows. James knows about the perfume.
We hear footsteps, and before we know it, half of Gryffindor comes pouring in, Sirius and Peter right in the front of the stampede. James gets up fast and his reaction causes me to stumble backwards on my bottom, but I don’t notice, because I’m still trying to control my breathing. He runs towards the stairs.
“Prongs?” Sirius calls. “Wait up!”
“Hey!” Peter tries to get James’s attention as well, but he’s already up the stairs. They notice me but don’t linger long.
The common room is no longer quiet.
The silence is shattered.
James kissed me, for real.
This kiss, now, was because of the emotion and feelings we weren’t feeling before. So complicated, but yet – it makes sense. Two completely opposite kisses, same two people, two different reasons behind the actions. He wanted to show me it was there. In the room. It caused us to kiss.
I put my hand to my forehead. The ‘it’ between us.
Oh, gosh.
It’s there, isn’t it?
It exists.
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