Phobia

I just found out that the phobias I heard about are much closer to me than I thought.

Like the phobia of obsessive fear of germs and dirt.

Turns out someone I’m close to has it. Turns out a lot of people around me have it.

Once, I was doing my homework and my pencil fell onto the floor. I grabbed an alcohol tissue to pick it up, and then wipe it with it. THEN wash my hands with soap.

And every time a person coughs, sneezes or blows their nose near me, I will hold my breath for as long as I can and breathe in shallow breaths. I really don’t want the germs getting inside of me.   

Fortunately, it comes in quick bursts. I don’t think it’s very serious.

But I certainly have claustrophobia. I seriously can’t stand being in a small cramped space for a long time.

Remember I told you I camped out in the toilet at the Swim Heats and Meet of a few hours? I so damn nearly came to screaming and slamming myself against the wall. Luckily the fear of being busted kept me in check and I forced myself to drink water to stop myself from screaming. I also made myself play my games on my iPod even when I wanted to barf on it. It’s quite hard to describe the feeling. When I was in the cubicle, I felt as if the walls around me were leaning forward to form a pyramid over me then growing smaller and smaller then encasing me completely. Suffocating me, crushing me in fact. I wanted to push myself up but the walls were too strong for me. Pressing me down, blocking the light, pushing my oxygen level to its limit. Uhh, it makes me hard to swallow just thinking about it.

Another time was even worse; I was at my tuition center. The company had a few classrooms but most of the classrooms were under renovation at that time so a few classes were squished together in one classroom. In the middle, doing my work. I suddenly felt very squashed. I could feel the other classmate’s movements so easily, every jerk and shift, brushing against me. I was like “GO AWAY!!” Then I could hear their breathing, the heat of their breath blowing across my face. It felt uncomfortable. Just horrid.

The sound of air being sucked into their nose was just THUNDEROUS! I hated it, loathed it in fact. There were just TOO MANY PEOPLE!! I wanted to cry and shriek. I already could see glimpses of my lunging at their necks, crushing their windpipes beneath my palm. I NEEDED to do that.

But I did the exact opposite.

My limbs went limp and my head spun, I nearly fainted but the chime of my watch signaled the end of the session. With newfound energy, I dashed out of the building, not caring if my helper was there to pick me up and grabbed the railings on the pavement and started gulping in the fresh air. I stood there for 10 minutes until the world went back into focus and stopped whirling around and my breathing went back to normal. But that was not the end. Memories of the stuffy classroom flashed in my mind’s eye, causing my to have a fucking headache. I puked a little when I got home and turned on the air con on full without hesitation, letting the cold air calm me down. It was ghastly.

That’s why I have to face the mirrors when in the lift, especially in slower lifts or going up to higher levels. Or else I’ll freak out. That’s why I hate that my class has like 41 people. I was afraid that the classroom would be so overcrowded; I would lose control any moment. I haven’t lost it yet since I keep myself in check by fiddling with my drawer lock. For now.