Never Before

This is a letter to Tim. I’m writing this because if I don’t, I might not get the chance to even say it. I don’t want to grow old and have this sitting on top of my chest, knowing that he will never be able to know what’s going on inside me. So if I don’t get to say it to him, at least some people will know and perhaps show him this letter. I hope he reads this, I think he will. I hope.

If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

Dear Tim,

Hey, you doing well?  

Wait, no. That’s not what I want to say. I want to know everything that happened to you in the past couple of years. Why did you go? Was it hard to let go? How did you get used to it? How’s your daily life now? But most importantly, do you remember me? Do you even miss me?

Even better, are you ever coming back?

I wish for you to answer these questions. Please?

I regret that I didn’t spend more time talking to you when you were still here. I regret not cherishing you earlier. I regret not telling you all this before. I regret not paying attention to you. But now I know how much you mean to me. I don’t think anyone, even you, will understand how I feel. I need to see you, talk to you, and smell you to know you aren’t just a fragment of my imagination.

Yes, that’s my greatest desire right now. I’m finding ways to find you but I’m getting nowhere. Just like my first dream. But if my first dream is reality now, is my second dream going to come true as well? I hope so but maybe my third dream will become alive. However, I’m sure I can find you again because I swear on the Bible I am going to cherish every single moment that I spent with you. No matter if it’s only a few minutes on FB chat or on Skype. I am going to ask you questions so I can find you. I am going to observe you, find clues that tell me more about you so I can find you again and I can know more about you and keep you right here, in my heart, if you ever leave.

Trust me.

Just so you know, I’m typing this letter to you on the night of New Year’s Eve. It just passed midnight and into 2012, I feel like I’m talking to you over the two years. I think it’s extraordinary to do this. Unfortunately, this is on a Word Document so you can’t read this “fresh off the press”.

I’ll always remember you because I have never felt such strong emotions for anyone, ever.   

Lead a good life, my dear friend. Chase your dreams, do something that you are proud of, find someone who you can’t live without, and test the limits of the possible.

God bless you, give you your daily bread, purify you of your sins and deliver you from evil, Tim.  

And just maybe, JUST MAYBE, on one warm sunny day, I could say this whole letter to the whole world and your face.   

Best wishes,

Rachelle.