(Lily’s POV)
It was my fault. My fault that James was in the hospital wing, that Carly wasn’t speaking to him, that Severus and I were no longer friends…
I walked quickly from the hospital wing, my head throbbing with James’s words.
Of course, out of the all the things that happened last night the thing James would focus on would be Carly’s reaction to all this. I was so stupid for even thinking he cared anything at all about my reaction.
Everything had been flipped upside down last night and though I wasn’t the one to sneak the love potion, I felt like everything that happened was because of me. James was in the hospital wing, Carly wasn’t speaking to him, and I had once and for all lost Severus…
His words from last night kept echoing in my head. How could I have been so blind? So stupid? I had always been aware that Severus was different with me than other people… I had naively thought that it was because we had been friends for so long. But his accusation that I’d dragged his heart up and down the halls for years kept repeating over and over in my head.
He was right, of course. I had let him believe that maybe someday we could have been something when all along I knew that would never happen.
But he was wrong, too. About too many things to even list. And it all started when he called me mudblood.
I wandered through the halls aimlessly, trying to ignore the looks people were giving me as I passed by.
“I heard Evans was secretly dating Snape and when he found her snogging Potter he went ballistic,” A fourth year whispered behind her hand to her friend, both of them sneaking glances at me as I walked by.
“I heard Carly Carrington’s going to challenge her to a duel for snogging her boyfriend,” a Ravenclaw girl whispered to a group of girls in the entrance hall.
“Apparently Evans and Potter have been sneaking around together for a while and when Carly found out she paid Snape to hex him. He’s always had a thing for Evans, you know, so he was more than glad to do it,” another student said when I passed, not bothering to keep his voice down.
I rolled my eyes, not in the mood to listen to the inane Hogwarts gossip circulating the castle, and turned around heading back towards the library.
I had to do something. James was lying, miserable in the hospital wing because of me. He was screaming in pain because of me. If I hadn’t felt bad enough before, his thinking that Carly’s stony silence towards him was his fault sent me over the edge.
As much as I disliked the thought of him with Carrington, I couldn’t help but feel guilty about the whole situation. I actually felt bad for Carrington. This was the second time something like this had happened and it wasn’t exactly fair to her. She had never actually done anything to make me dislike her…
I stopped in the doorway to the library and suddenly I knew what I had to do. It was the least I could do, really. And if it made things easier for James, then I owed him that much, at least.
I had pretty much succeeded in ripping Severus’s heart out and dragging it about the castle, and this would be my punishment—my retribution. I had damaged two relationships last night, one beyond repair, but I could still salvage the other.
No matter how I felt about James, this had to be done. No matter how much this hurt to do, it was the right thing… maybe it was good that it would hurt. It would be my atonement for all the years of pain I’d put Severus through.
I walked along the row of books towards a table where a girl sat by herself, head bent over a book as her quill scratched furiously across the parchment where she was taking notes.
I came to a stop in front of the table, hesitating slightly before speaking.
“Carly?” I asked quietly and the girl looked up slowly from her books, her brown eyes narrowing when she recognized me.
She studied me for a moment, confusion and hostility written plainly all over her face.
“Can I help you?” Carly asked, raising her eyebrows slightly when I didn’t speak.
“I… I think I owe you an explanation of what actually happened last night,” I faltered, my fingers twisting together behind my back as Carly appraised me carefully.
“Thanks, but I’m really not interested,” Carrington said, looking back down at her book.
“Wait,” I said, sinking down into the chair across from her and she looked up at me expectantly. “I really think you need to know what happened.”
“I know what happened,” Carly said plainly, her eyes dropping back down to her work.
“I really doubt that,” I said starkly. “I’ve heard the rumors. They’re not even close.”
Carly bit her lip and finally put her quill down on top of her parchment, looking up at me.
“Alright,” she said slowly, a flicker of apprehension in her eyes as she waited for my explanation.
“Yesterday in potions,” I began slowly, “we made Amortentia. Love potion, you know? Apparently my friends thought it would be funny to sneak some out and slip it into the Marauders’s drinks. All of them got it; it wasn’t just James.”
Carly’s eyes widened with this revelation. None of the rumors included love potions. Only the Marauders, Mary, Ames, and I knew what had really happened.
“I was able to get Sirius and Remus to Slughorn before they did any real damage,” I continued. “But James was a bit more difficult.”
Carly’s jaw clenched slightly as she listened and I could tell she was dreading this next part.
“Look, he did kiss me, but you should know that it was only because of the love potion,” I said hastily, my stomach twisting uncomfortably by how true this was. “He never would have done so otherwise.”
“And… the bit about Severus Snape hexing him?” Carly asked, her eyebrows pulling together.
“That part’s true as well,” I admitted, dropping my eyes to indicate that I didn’t want to go into more detail than that. “I’m really sorry about all of this…”
“What’s it matter to you?” Carly asked after a moment of silence.
“Excuse me?” I asked, taken aback. The question wasn’t hostile… it was genuinely curious.
“Why are you telling me all this?” She asked quietly. Her face wasn’t angry or guarded anymore. Her features softened considerably as it sank in that James had been under the influence of a love potion.
“I didn’t want you to think that James cheated on you,” I replied simply. “He would never do that.”
Carly nodded, chewing on her bottom lip.
“James and I are friends,” I said, meeting Carly’s gaze. “But it will never be anything more than that. And I’m sorry if…if I gave you the wrong impression.”
Carrington nodded again and then gave a great sigh.
“Everyone thinks James fancies you, you know,” Carly said, her eyes meeting mine. It wasn’t an accusation, merely a statement. “And who could blame him? You’re brilliant, top of the class, looks that could kill… and to top it all, you’re bloody nice. Merlin, I really wanted to hate you, but I can’t. There’s no logical reason for it other than the fact that I’m jealous of you.”
I let an incredulous huff but quickly stifled it as Carly frowned at me.
“You’re not actually jealous of me, are you?” I scoffed and Carly’s cheeks blushed pink.
Sweet Merlin’s beard she actually was jealous… of me. What an absurd notion. I couldn’t let her go on like this. As painful as it would be, I had to tell her the truth. It was a difficult thing to say, partly because deep down I knew it was completely true and partly because I wished it wasn’t.
“Look, Carly,” I said taking a deep breath. “If James really wanted me—if he fancied me at all—he would probably have me by now. But this thing between him and me has always just been kind of a game… a joke. It’s never been real. You’re what he really wants. He’s not just messing around. He cares about you… a lot.”
Carly considered my words carefully and seemed finally to accept what I was saying. She twisted the watch around on her wrist and hissed as she read the time. She grabbed her quill from the table and quickly scribbled something on a scrap of paper from her notes. She folded it carefully, taped it shut with some spell-o-tape, and held it out to me.
“Would you mind giving this to him for me?” Carly asked, her eyes friendly. “I would give it to him myself but I’m already late for a tutoring session and I have a study group after that, but I don’t want him to think I’m still mad at him.”
“Of course,” I said, slightly surprised as I took the folded letter from her.
Carly gathered up her books quickly while I watched numbly from my chair.
“Thank you, Lily,” Carly said sincerely as she slung her backpack over her shoulder. “It means a lot to me, hearing all that from you.”
“No problem,” I muttered absently, getting to my feet and watching as Carly gave me a friendly smile and hurried down a row of books to where a second year girl was waiting to be tutored.
I stared after her for a moment, trying to feel happy that she seemed to have forgiven James. I clutched her letter loosely in my hand and glanced down at it. I idly wondered what it said, but realized it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t my business.
I shoved myself off the chair and my feet carried me to the infirmary where I ran into the old nurse at the door. After begging her to let me in, saying I only had a letter to deliver, she begrudgingly granted me entrance.
I came to a stop at the foot of his bed, staring down at his sleeping form. I was glad he was asleep. I could just leave the letter and he’d never know that I’d been here. I didn’t think I could bear to talk to him again. Every minute that I spent with him was one giant frenzy of confusion anymore.
James stirred slightly in his bed and icy fear clamped down on my chest. If I was fast enough I could drop the letter and run, and he wouldn’t see me. But before my feet could move, James snatched his glasses off the table and sat up in his bed.
“Carls, I’m so glad you’re—“ James started but snapped his mouth shut when he realized his mistake. My jaw clenched and I hoped that my eyes didn’t betray how much that stung. It hurt even more than hearing him scream in pain.
“Sorry,” James muttered awkwardly, pushing himself into a more comfortable position. “Without my glasses you look just like—“
“Carly,” I finished for him and my voice sounded distant. James looked at me oddly, his eyes hazel full of sympathy. I was sure that by now he had gotten the full story from the Marauders. I didn’t want his sympathy. I had brought this on myself.
Without waiting for him to speak again I thrust my hand out, Carly’s letter clutched loosely in my fingers. I let the parchment fall into his outstretched hand and James frowned slightly.
“What’s this?” he asked, turning the letter over in his hands.
“It’s from Carly,” I said carefully, making sure my voice didn’t give away just how much it had cost me to go to her. I already had half the mind to just tear out of the infirmary and sit somewhere alone and just cry.
James raised his eyebrows slightly at me, questions written plainly all over his face.
“I… I ran into her in the library,” I said slowly, the lie flowing smoothly from my lips. “She was in kind of a rush. She was tutoring someone and running late. So she asked me if I could give this to you…”
“What’s it say?” James asked, examining the letter as if it were a bomb that might go off any second.
“I’m just the messenger, James,” I said quietly, my eyes falling to the floor as I realized that that was all I was to him… the friend, the messenger, nothing more. “I didn’t read it.”
James slid his finger under the tape and ripped it open, his eyes skimming across the lines of hasty script. He blinked once and then let out a sigh as he finished reading. I let my own eyes fall closed, not wanting to see the relief on his face at Carly’s apology. I felt like I was half-dead already. Nothing mattered anymore.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it then,” I said, wanting nothing more than to get far away from the hospital wing. As I turned, I caught sight of something resting at the end of James’s bed and paused. It was a book with gilded edges and huge elegant letters stamped across the front reading Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. What a strange book for James to have…
I glanced over at him, biting my lip to keep from smiling.
“Er… James,” I said, looking back towards the book. “What on earth is this?”
I pointed at the book and James sat up to see what I was indicating, immediately turning bright red as he recognized the book.
I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across my face as I picked up the book and turned it over in my hands.
“Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches?” I read the cover, glancing up at James with an amused look. It was a hollow kind of amusement… On the one hand, it was absolutely ludicrous that James would have this book (he was a Marauder, after all) but on the other hand, he had probably gotten this book to fix things with Carly.
“Bloody hell,” James muttered, sinking back into his pillows.
“Sorry, but what do you need a book like this for?” I asked, scanning the back cover where the twelve steps were outlined in shiny gold print.
Before I could read through them all, James snatched the book from my hands and shoved it under his pillow.
“If you must know,” James growled, his face still red, “I’m just trying to think of a way to make it up to Carly.”
“Well, you’re not going to find anything in that book,” I sniggered, nodding towards the lump under his pillow.
“Oh? And how do you know?” James sniffed, his voice annoyed. He crossed him arms over his chest.
“James,” I sighed, letting the amusement fade from my voice. I bit my lip, trying to think of the right words. “Romance isn’t something you can learn from a book… trust me on that, I’ve read nearly every book in the library and I still don’t know the first thing about love.”
“Well… but you’re a girl,” James frowned at me, looking like he was contemplating something in his head.
“I’d say that’s an accurate assessment,” I rolled my eyes at his obvious statement.
“I just mean… “ James paused, contemplating his next words. “The Marauders aren’t very good with this kind of stuff and I don’t really have any other girl-type friends I can talk to…”
“So you want my advice about Carly,” I asked incredulously, letting any emotion disappear from my face. Of course. Stick the knife in deeper, James, that’s fine.
“If you… if you don’t mind?” James said, a strange expression crossing his face, like he was just as unsure of this as I was.
“Oh, James… I don’t really know anything about relationships,” I said uneasily, reaching for any excuse that would get me out of this. My fingers twisted together in my lap. How could I help him with this? Did he realize how much this was costing me?
He’s been living in a pure illusion.
She’s going to come to her own conclusion…
I totally know how does that feel now.
“That’s ok,” James said quickly, sitting up straighter. Damn. “I just need your opinion, that’s all. As a girl.”
I stared at him for a moment, searching his face. Was I waiting for him to say to me what he said last night? I had been so stupid… why had I let his words affect me so much?
“Alright. Fine,” I sighed, deciding that this would just have to be part of my atonement for everything that had gone wrong last night.
“It’s just… I want to do something special for her when I get out of the hospital wing, to make it up to her. But I have no idea what to do…Hence, the book,” James explained hastily, watching me with careful eyes as if he expected me to dash out of the hospital wing before he could finish. Not that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind…
Something hot and burning trickled through me at the notion of him being romantic with Carly, though I tried to convince myself it wasn’t jealousy. Was I really going to help him with this? I had never been romanced… Sure, Alex had said gooey, lovey-dovey things but with him there had always been an ulterior motive. What did I know about romance? The most romantic thing to ever happen to me had been last night… oh, Merlin.
I closed my eyes for a minute, exhaling deeply. This was so not part of what I bloody expected.
“If you want to do something really romantic,” I said after a moment, pushing the flutters away from my stomach at the recollection of last night. “Then you don’t need to plan a huge production, and you don’t need a book to tell you what to do. Just go with your gut… Spontaneity is always good, but honestly just take her somewhere where you two can be alone. Talk to her, listen to her… maybe do dinner, but nothing too fancy. Some girls… me, at least, anyways, like simplicity.”
James stared at me, frowning slightly as if he were trying to memorize my every word.
“Am I just supposed to talk to her for several hours? Won’t that be boring?” James asked after a minute and I suppressed an impatient sigh, raising my eyebrows at him instead.
“You’re kind of clueless sometimes,” I shook my head at him sadly. “There are other things to do besides talking, aren’t there?”
“Oh…” James let out his breath as my words sunk in. “So, take her somewhere nice, maybe dinner… then snog her brains out?”
I wrinkled my nose at his crudeness, trying to push away those particular mental images.
“Well, don’t just pounce on her,” I rolled my eyes, trying to keep the disgust from my voice.
“Come on, Evans,” James whined, sitting up more in his bed and I glanced up at him. “I do the cheesy stuff, not the romantic stuff. I mean… I’ve had dates. And then I’ve had dates, if you know what I mean. But I want this to actually mean something… what if it were you?”
My eyes widened instantly and James winced slightly as he realized just how bad of a choice his words were. I didn’t want to think about his past dates… I’d heard the rumors and from what I knew of James and Sirius, they were all true.
“I just mean… what would you want, you know, if you were on… on a date,” James quickly tried to recover, stumbling over his words.
I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment. He wanted to know what I would want from a date with him? Merlin, he was really trying to make this as hard for me as possible. He couldn’t actually be this clueless, could he? He had to know what this was doing to me…
I sucked in a deep breath, carefully composing my face so that I didn’t give anything away. Maybe he would just assume I was thinking of Alex… that would be the safest thing. He couldn’t know that I was only thinking of last night…
“Well,” I started, hesitating. “If it were me, I’d want you to… to…”
I let my breath out slowly and my eyes fell closed. This would be easier if I couldn’t see him.
“I’d want you to catch me off guard,” I practically whispered, remembering with a flip of my stomach how James had done just that last night. “With like, a really good kiss. You know, one of those kinds that make your heart stop. Soft at first… but with the promise that something amazing could happen…”
I opened my eyes to find James staring at me with the oddest expression on his face, like he was mesmerized by my words.
“And then maybe you’d look into my eyes, like I’m the only girl you’d ever seen,” I breathed, my eyes locking onto his and I thought I saw James’s breath hitch slightly. The way he looked at me now— like I was the only girl he saw—I never wanted him to stop.
“Maybe you’d brush the hair away from my face,” I continued, absently reaching a hand up to run through my hair. I was trying desperately not to remember how James had done just that last night, too…. “And pull me close… and… and…”
I let my words drift off, not able to continue anymore. I could imagine what would happen next, as I’m sure he could too. I let my eyes fall from his face, unable to look at him anymore. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I was sure that if I looked at him any longer, I would burst into flames. I tried to keep my mind from picturing what had happened last night, but the images flooded my head and I was overwhelmed by the urge for him to kiss me again.
I was pretty certain I was losing my mind. I shouldn’t want to kiss him. That was a fluke, what happened last night. Maybe I had accidentally swallowed some love potion as well and it just hadn’t worn off yet.
James had leant in closer to me and I could smell that infuriatingly enticing scent coming off his skin. I ached to feel his lips on mine again, to experience once more what it was like to kiss an angel and without consciously deciding to do so, I leaned in closer to him, intoxicated by the way his cool breath felt on my skin.
I want something that I want.
Something that I tell myself I need.
And I need everything I see ‘cause it’s so easy to make-believe, it seems you’re living in a dream.
“Alright, you’ve had fifteen minutes, Miss Evans,” Madam Pomfrey appeared around the bed curtains and I leapt away from the bed so fast it made my head spin. “Now, out! He needs to take his medicine and rest some more.”
I sent James one last wide-eyed look, terrified at how close I’d just come to succumbing to my undisclosed desire for him. That was too close. Too close.
I turned on my heel and rushed from the hospital, not even looking back though I could feel James’s eyes on me. I wanted so badly to rush back and finish off what wonder we had started. I wanted to tell him how I felt when I heard him cry in agony. I wanted to tell him everything…
Wait...what was I thinking, letting myself come that close to ruining everything once more? I couldn’t be actually falling for Potter. That was impossible. No way.
But whether these feelings were genuine or the result of some rare magical disease, being around James Potter was dangerous. I lost all rational though when I was near him.
Sigh… I longed for the days when I could confidently call him a toe-rag and mean it. Where had those days gone?
I could tell you exactly where they’d gone. They were rotting away in a bin somewhere in York.
Damn Potter and his stupid, irresistible charm.
People say there are five stages of grief when faced with death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Similarly, I have found that there are five stages of grief when falling for James Potter.
Personally, I’d rather take death…
I. Denial
It had been almost a week since my close call with James in the hospital wing. He and I had been skirting around each other for the past few days and I told my friends it was because we both were still awkward about our love potion-induced snog-fest in the dungeons. Ames and Mary exchanged knowing smiles at that but let me continue thinking that I was fooling them. What nice friends they are…
This particular Saturday afternoon found us in the library studying with the Marauders, though James was absent. This detail didn’t bother me so much, as it would let me concentrate on my homework.
Not that I thought James Potter was a distraction, mind you. Don’t get any funny ideas.
Despite exams still being ages away, our professors had decided to continue dumping homework on us. In addition to our mountains of homework and extra apparitions lessons, all of our classes now required any spells used to be non-verbal.
I stared down at the empty goblet sitting in front of me on the table. My notes and Charms book were scattered around me and I was trying (without luck) to tune out my friends’ constant chatter so I could fill the goblet with water, nonverbally.
Aguamenti, I thought firmly, my wand trained on the glass. A water droplet dribbled from the end of my wand onto the table and I growled. I couldn’t concentrate with all this noise.
“And then he took me to the Quidditch pitch and there was a blanket spread out with a picnic set up,” Amy was relaying her latest date with Jonathan Gardner to Mary who listened with rapt attention. Their Charms homework lay forgotten on the table.
“Please tell me he took you for a ride on his broomstick,” Mary sighed dreamily, her chin propped up lazily in her arms.
“Which broomstick?” Ames giggled mischievously and Mary’s eyes widened as she realized the double meaning.
“Ames, you didn’t!” Mary gasped and I rolled my eyes, turning back to my empty glass.
I pointed my wand at my glass again, focusing all my attention on it.
Aguamenti, I thought again firmly and not even a drop came out this time. I dropped my wand onto the table, burying my head in my arms. It was pointless trying to get anything done. I couldn’t concentrate.
“Where’s James?” I heard Mary ask Sirius, noting his absence for the first time all afternoon.
“Probably still sleeping,” Peter sniggered. “He didn’t get in until four this morning.”
I stiffened at this news and raised my head a fraction of an inch so I could see through my hair. Peter was grinning mischievously and Sirius was chuckling and shaking his head.
“Why so late?” Anna asked, oblivious to the obvious connotations. I wished she hadn’t asked. I didn’t want to hear why… I already knew.
SHUT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL UP. I was yelling in my head. I don’t want to listen anymore. No more. No bloody more.
“He was out with Carly last night,” Sirius confirmed my thoughts and I groaned quietly to myself, letting my head sink back into my arms. I couldn’t stop the flood of images that infiltrated my brain. Everything I’d told James about dates and how to romance a girl… I was now imagining him doing all those things with Carly. Not the mental image I wanted.
I heard footsteps approaching our table and someone set a stack of books near my head.
“Morning everyone,” I heard the devil himself say brightly as the chair to my right scratched along the wood floor and became occupied.
“Afternoon, Prongs,” Sirius smirked, his voice full of amusement. “Have a good night last night?”
“Yeah, I guess it was alright,” James said in an offhand voice, but underneath I could tell he was suppressing something.
“Details?” Sirius pressed and I could practically sense Mary rolling her eyes at his crude curiosity.
“A gentleman never kisses and tells, Padfoot,” James answered slyly and I nearly vomited. Instead, I started to feel something wet on my eyes. Damnit.
He kissed Carly, Lily. It’s the truth, painful or not. You have to accept it. He’s with Carly. Repeat after me. Carly. Carly. Carly Carrington. Not you. Absolutely not Lily Evans.
I still couldn’t make myself believe that.
I snatched my wand off the table and aimed it at the empty goblet again. Maybe if I concentrated enough, I could drown out this insipid conversation.
“Come off it, you’re no gentleman,” Sirius snorted and James grinned sheepishly.
Aguamenti, I though desperately, anything to force my attention away from them. Water gushed from the end of my wand into the empty glass and I smiled at my small victory.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” James chuckled. “Especially not after last night.”
My elbow slipped on the table at that remark, knocking my wand askew while my jet of water proceeded to completely soak everyone at the table.
“Oy, Evans! Watch it!” Sirius yelped as I regained control of my wand and ceased the flow of water. He shook his hair out like a dog, spraying all of us in the process and Scarlet threw her charms book at him to make him stop.
“Sorry,” I muttered, ignoring the strange look James was giving me. I pushed the soggy strands of red hair out of my face while Remus simply sighed, shaking his head slowly while he performed a quick drying spell on his robes and books.
“What’s with you today?” Mary smirked at me as she dried her own robes. “You’ve been acting awfully strange.”
“Nothing,” I said automatically and Mary raised her eyebrows skeptically at me. “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”
Mary and Ames exchanged a quick look while I hastily shoved my books into my bag.
“In fact, I think I might go have a quick nap,” I said, excusing myself from the table before anyone could say anything. My wet shoes squelched as I hurried away from the table, my face burning with embarrassment.
I heard footsteps following after me and sighed, slowing down as Mary and Ames caught up with me.
“Everything alright, Lily?” Ames asked cautiously as she fell into step beside me.
“Everything’s fine,” I said in an unconvincing voice.
“Come on, Lils,” Mary said, grabbing onto my arms and bringing me to a stop. “We’re your best friends… we’re not stupid.”
“What are you on about?” I sighed, turning to face her. She was wearing a knowing look that mirrored Ames’s and irritation flashed through me.
“You like James,” Ames said simply, shrugging.
“You’re mental,” I scoffed at her accusation,
“Cut the bullshit, Lily,” Mary said bluntly and I gaped at her. “We know you better than anyone… You can tell us.”
“I don’t like him,” I denied in what I hoped was a convincing voice. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Oh, come off it,” Amy rolled her eyes, abandoning her sympathetic attitude. “Ever since the love potion and that night in the hospital wing you’ve been avoiding him like the plague.”
“Because he snogged me,” I retorted. “And then nearly snogged me again! Do I need to remind you that it was because of your little stunt with the love potion?”
“Yes, but you let him snog you,” Mary pointed out in triumphant voice that made me growl.
“Well, who’s to say you didn’t slip me some love potion too?” I said lamely and Amy smirked.
“Every time you see him you go red and turn abruptly in the other direction,” Amy pointed out.
“You barely eat lately, you can’t concentrate, I’ve never seen you not be able to do a spell before,” Mary ticked off on her fingers.
“I think I’m coming down with Dragon Pox?” I tried, but Amy shook her head.
“You like him,” Mary said firmly, her blue eyes locking onto mine. “Just admit it.”
I shook my head. “Never.”
“You’re hopeless,” Amy sighed, leaning back against the corridor wall.
“I’m not going to admit to something that’s not true,” I said pointedly and Mary rolled her eyes.
“Fine, just keep deluding yourself,” she shrugged, grabbing Ames’s arm and pulling her away from the wall. “But one of these days it’s going to hit you, and when it does… well, don’t say we didn’t warn you.”
Mary gave one last tug on Amy’s sleeve and the pair of them turned and headed back towards the library.
II. Anger
I stared after my friends in disbelief. How could they possibly think I had feelings for him? Just because we had been avoiding each other since the kiss didn’t mean I liked him. How would they feel if someone snogged them one day and didn’t remember a thing about it the next?
Besides, James had Carly Carrington.
I gave a huff and adjusted my bag slung over my shoulder. They could say it all they wanted, it didn’t mean it was true. Accusing me of liking him… of all the absurd things…
I marched back towards the Gryffindor common room, too angry watch where I was going. I rounded a corner and ran right into a third year Ravenclaw girl who dropped the books she was holding.
“Ugh!” I groaned, my temper getting the better of me. “Watch where you’re going, will you?”
The girl’s eyes widened at my hostile response and she hastily grabbed her books and ran off down the hall.
I shook my head irritably, muttering under my breath about how younger students had no respect anymore and when I was a third year, I never walked around so carelessly, bumping into older students and whatnot… Kids these days.
I was still fuming about my conversation with Mary and Amy when I stepped onto the staircase and it jerked underneath me, swinging around to a door on the other side before I could jump off. The door opened and a student stepped onto the stairs with me.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I blurted out loudly as Alex Johnson joined me on the stairs, which jerked into motion again, trapping us together.
“Beg your pardon, Evans?” Alex smiled amusedly at my outburst and I wanted to punch him in his stupid Hufflepuff face.
I turned slowly towards him, my jaw clenching and my hands curling into fists at my sides.
“I said, for fuck’s sake,” I repeated slowly, my voice alarmingly calm for how angry I felt. I was in no mood to deal with him of all people. “Because really I couldn’t see how today could get much worse but low and behold, there you are.”
“Ah, come on,” Alex tilted his head to the side, a cocky grin lighting his face. He was clearly amused by how much his presence bothered me. “I’m not the worst thing to look at…”
“No, I really think you are,” I snapped back, not even caring to notice how his presence didn’t make me feel the least bit shivery and weak like it used to.
“You didn’t used to think so,” Alex reminded me pointedly, folding his arms across his chest and raising one eyebrow at me.
“Will you stop bloody bringing up the past?” I shrieked hysterically and all of the portraits on the walls turned to stare at us. The grand staircase was suddenly dead silent. Alex’s eyes widened in shock at my outburst and his mouth hung open slightly.
“I’m sick and tired of you throwing that in my face,” I hissed at him, when he didn’t speak. The anger building inside me at everything that was going on with Potter and Snape and my friends made it that much easier to finally give it out to him. “And I’m sick of that stupid, suggestive smile you always give me like you want to get with me. Newsflash, you broke up with me!” I jabbed a finger at his chest. “Merlin, you more than broke up with me. You destroyed us, Alex.”
Alex stared at me, his mouth open slightly when I had ceased yelling at him. He blinked once and then snapped his mouth shut.
I fumed silently at him as the staircase finally slid into place and I stepped off quickly.
“Can’t you ever forgive me?” Alex asked when he’d recovered enough. His voice was defensive, like he still didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.
“No!” I shrieked hysterically at him. “Merlin’s beard, it’s like talking to a fucking brick wall!”
“Wow,” I heard Alex mutter as I turned on my heel away from him. “You’ve got some serious anger issues, Evans.”
I stopped mid-step and turned slowly back towards him, my eyes flashing with fury. He shrank back slightly when he registered the look on my face. I didn’t care how deranged I looked. It felt good to get this all out.
“You want an anger issue?” I asked him in a dangerously low voice, taking a slow step towards him and I slipped my wand from my pocket, idly recalling what James had said about how terrifying I could be with my wand. “I’ll give you an anger issue.”
Alex stumbled backwards and held up his hands in surrender.
“Easy, Evans,” Alex said, a slightly panicked edge to his voice. “I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean it. I’ll—I’ll just go… ok?”
Alex backed away from, hands still raised before he turned and practically sprinted down the hall and out of sight
“That’s right!” I yelled after him. “You better run!”
A second year passing by gave me a wide-eyed, frightened look as if I was a deranged convict and I glared at him.
“What are you looking at?” I snapped, anger and adrenaline still coursing through me from finally standing up to Alex.
“N-n-nothing!” the second year squeaked, clutching his books to his chest. “Please… let me live!”
I rolled my eyes at his dramatics and pocketed my wand, brushing by him as I continued to the Great Hall and out the front doors into the cold January air.
III. Bargaining
I was too worked up to sit still in the castle. I didn’t want to be in the common room… too many younger students. I couldn’t go back to the library, I’d embarrassed myself enough for one day.
I headed out of the castle’s doors and plopped down at the bank of the Black Lake.
I let out a long sigh, letting my frustration and anger flow out of me as my fingers dipped beneath the surface of the surprisingly warm water.
I had no idea what was going on. First we were alright, talking and at least not hexing each other. Then he loses control of his lips and snogs me and last but not least, everything’s mucked up. Including his bloody friends!
Sure, it had felt good to yell at Alex. I had said things I’d been meaning to say to him for ages… but I didn’t want to be mad anymore. I wanted to be done with him, once and for all.
IV. Depression
To say I was depressed seemed a bit overly dramatic. The fact that I was currently spewing nonsense about my non-existent love life to a pile of stones and some fish that couldn’t care less pointed more towards schizophrenic than anything. But for the sake of my five stages, I guess I could say I was slightly depressed.
After all, when all was said and done, what did I have? James was with Carly, Anna had her various suitors, and Mary and Sirius were so obviously going to end up together like out of a ruddy storybook or something.
Why couldn’t I have that? Was it really too much to ask?
James would never feel the same about me as I did about him. Why would he? He had Carly. Though it pained me to say, she was actually nice and I couldn’t hate her, as much as I wanted to.
“Are you alright, Lily?”
V. Acceptance
I nearly screamed out of surprise and quickly jumped to my feet. Severus was standing over me.
Last time, when I saw Sev, the word mudblood was echoing in my head. Now, it was James screaming. Flashes of his eyes glazed with pain and his shirt quickly getting soaked in blood filled my vision.
“Yes?” I said coldly, standing up. “Have you come to apologize? Save it, I don’t need it.”
“I’m not going to, if you don’t,” he said quietly. “I just heard what happened and I just wanted to show you something that might cheer you up.”
“Like what?” I asked suspiciously.
“It’s really amazing, though I haven’t figured out what does it do yet,” a glimmer of happiness shone in his eyes and for the first time since the incident in the dungeon, I felt like going with him.
“Come, it’s in the Room of Requirement,” I followed Sev onto the Seventh floor and in front of a pair of beautiful double doors that I had never seen before.
“It’s inside,” Sev breathed and we slipped inside. There was something round standing in the middle, covered by a white sheet. Sev grabbed the edge and pulled the dusty cloth to the floor.
As the dust settled I began to make out a large golden arched frame that sat on two clawed feet, intricately detailed with words carved across the top that I couldn’t quite read. It looked like Latin, although none of the words made any sense. As the air cleared even more I could make out what the frame was surrounding and realized with a jolt that it was a mirror. I could see our reflection smiling serenely back at us.
I waited for Sev to explain, but he remained silent, staring pleasantly at his reflection in the mirror.
“Sev,” I ventured timidly. “Why…are you showing this to me?”
Sev turned away from the mirror to look at me. “I thought you might find it interesting, considering what I see and what happened.”
I frowned, still not understanding. And what did this mirror have to do with this?
“I’m sorry,” I shook my head. “I still don’t quite understand…”
“Why don’t you come look in the mirror properly?” Sev beckoned me forward, and I cautiously approached the mirror, unsure of what to expect. He stood by the side until he was out of the reflection and there was only me.
I turned away from Sev to look into the mirror and frowned when all I saw was my own pale, wide-eyed reflection staring back at me. I was about to tell Sev that I couldn’t see anything when another figure appeared in the frame with me and my heart stopped still.
James Potter came to a stop next to my reflection and instinctively I jerked my head around towards where he should stand, only to see that the space next to me was empty. I shot Sev a bewildered look before turning my head back towards the mirror.
I studied the mirror James carefully. He was perfectly healed, smiling at me like I was the only girl in the world. His hazel eyes were full of affection.
My reflected self had turned towards James, a gentle smile on my face as our hands twisted together between us. James bent forward slightly, pressing his lips to my forehead with such tenderness and affection that I quickly stepped away from the frame, unable to look anymore.
“Did you like it?” Sev sounded exactly like how he did when he was 11. Exhilarated and breathless.
I couldn’t answer him. What the bloody hell had I just seen?
I twisted my fingers together in front of me, vaguely away that my hands were shaking.
“I think I can work out what it is now,” Sev smiled when I still couldn’t answer him. He turned towards the mirror, reaching a hand up to trace the letters at the top. “I call it the Mirror or Erised. You may have guessed that it doesn’t simply show you your reflection. Rather, it shows the deepest, most desperate desires in our hearts.”
I gaped at the mirror, half in awe at just how brilliant this mirror was and the other half unsure how to piece together his explanation and what I just saw. It didn’t make sense… How could that be the deepest, most desperate desire in my heart?
“No offense,” I said quietly, my voice finding me finally. “But I think this mirror is broken. It does not show the heart’s desire.”
Sev stared at me for a moment.
“The heart has its reasons of which the mind knows nothing, Evans,” he said, peering down at me as I continued to stare at the mirror.
I focused on him. Sev seemed…different. He wasn’t hating me at this moment like he was when James snogged me. He wasn’t friendly either. He was just staring hungrily into the mirror, like he couldn’t get enough of it for the rest of his life.
Deep down inside me, there was a small voice saying that I wanted that too…
I ground my teeth together, an internal conflict raging inside me. Part of me wanted to smash that stupid mirror to bits and the other part—well, the other part of me wanted to look again… And I bloody did.
I could see James sliding into the frame next to me. Our fingers interlacing perfectly and my mirror self was actually smiling back! Something grew warm in my stomach as James grinned back into my mirror self’s green eyes.
I want something that I want.
Something that I tell myself I need.
And I need everything I see and I see something that I want.
I see, yeah…
Had it not been for Peeves crashing into a suit of armor outside the room and breaking my concentration, I might never have left.
“PEEVES!” I heard the Filch roar from a floor below. “I’LL HAVE YOU THIS TIME, PEEVES!”
“I-I-I’ve got to go, Sev,” I stumbled backwards away from the mirror, dimly aware that I should probably leave before Filch made his way to this corridor. Sev watched me leave with hollowed eyes that made me want to stop. But I remembered how he called me Mudblood not once, but twice.
I slid quietly out of the Room of Requirement and walked numbly back towards the Gryffindor common room, wondering vaguely what time it was and whether I had missed dinner, though I wasn’t hungry at all. My mind was so preoccupied, in fact, that Peeves might have chucked a suit of armor straight at me and I probably wouldn’t have noticed.
All I could think about was that James Potter was apparently my deepest, most desperate desire in life. Somehow, I thought the latter might better belong in the “depression” stage of this whole thing.
“Password?” I heard a voice say and looking up I saw that I was standing in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.
“What?” I blinked up at her stupidly.
“Password, dear. The password,” The Fat Lady said impatiently, raising one skeptical eyebrow at me.
“Oh, right,” I shook my head. “Glumbumble.”
“Right you are,” the Fat Lady swung forward, still eyeing me suspiciously as I stumbled through.
My feet carried me through the common room, ignoring inviting calls from the Marauders to join their game of exploding snap and staggered up the stairs to my dormitory.
Amy and Mary were there, Amy painting her nails midnight blue on her bed while Mares was attempting to finish her Charms essay. They both looked up when I sat on my bed, frowning slightly.
“Alright, Lily?” Mary acknowledged my arrival, her eyes drifting back to her Charms book.
I didn’t answer but continued to stare at my hands. The empty spaces where James’s fingers fit perfectly were like neon beacons commanding my attention. Merlin, but I couldn’t even think the words that formed when I saw my ‘reflection’. It couldn’t be true, could it?
“Lily… are you ok?” Anna asked, noticing my lack of response. She looked up from her nails with curiosity and swung herself around so she was facing me on her bed. Scarlet looked up as well, picking up on the note of concern in Anna’s voice.
“I…I…” I hesitated, looking up from my empty hands at them. My voice sounded distant and not my own, as is what usually happens when one has a groundbreaking revelation like this.
“Spit it out, Lily,” Mary urged, her full attention on me now.
“I think I’m in love with James Potter,” I said in a dazed voice.
Mary and Ames exchanged a quick grin, and that was the last thing I saw before they both tackled me on my bed with squeals of delight.
(James’s POV)
“Alright, I’m off to the kitchens,” Sirius clapped me on the shoulder causing my arm to wobble and the jet of paper streamers issuing from the end of my wand began attaching themselves to Peter instead of the wall like they were supposed to.
“Gerroff!” Peter’s muffled voice came from within the pile of streamers as he was knocked to the ground.
Remus sighed from the other side of the common room and flicked his wand casually in Peter’s directions and the streamers fell lifelessly to the floor leaving Peter sitting panting in the middle.
“Sorry, Wormtail,” I shrugged at him apologetically before Sirius commanded my attention.
“Anything else you can think of for me to get?” Sirius pulled out a folded piece of parchment from his pocket and examined it. “We have a the cake of course, two cases of butterbeer, four bottles of Firewhiskey, and three bottles of the ginger rum… think that’s enough?”
I let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I think that’ll sufficiently get everyone plastered.”
“Hmm… “ Sirius scratched his chin and then pulled out his quill to add to the list. “Better make it three cases of butterbeer, just in case.”
I chuckled and Sirius ambled out of the common room. I turned around to admire the decorations we had put up for Lily’s birthday party and smiled. Red and gold streamers hung from every nook and cranny around the room, reminding me slightly of a circus tent of steroids. Remus was adding finishing touches to a large banner that flashed “Happy Birthday Lily” and Peter was now wrestling with the non-deflating singing birthday balloons we had gotten in Hogsmeade.
“Looks good, doesn’t it, Prongs?” Remus commented, noticing my appraisal of the room.
“Do you think she’ll like it?” I frowned, voicing the question that had been on my mind all morning. “I mean… it’s too much, isn’t it? Why did I let Padfoot talk me into those singing balloons? She’s going to hate them.”
A small smile crept onto Remus’s face as he wandered over towards me.
“She won’t hate it,” Remus assured me.
“She seemed on edge when we mentioned it to her the other day,” I reminded him pointedly and Remus rolled his eyes.
“I don’t think that had anything to do with the party,” Remus muttered quietly and I looked over at him.
“You don’t think she’s still creeped out by what happened in the dungeons, do you? I mean, that was more than a week ago,” I said anxiously. Ever since that night, Lily had been quite awkward around me, and I was sure I had annoyed the pants off the other Marauders by asking them this question every couple hours.
“No, I don’t think that’s it,” Remus sighed and there was a note of exasperation in his voice that I didn’t quite understand.
I was about to ask him what he did think it was, but the singing balloons were now bouncing joyfully off Peter’s head and Remus gave me a weary eye roll before going over to help him.
I noticed a streamer falling off the wall by the girls’ staircase and went to fix it. A door slammed from somewhere up the stairs and voices floated down towards me.
“I told you it’s true,” I recognized Mary McDonalds’ voice and automatically assumed that she must be with Amy and Lily. Damn, I didn’t want her to see the common room before the party tonight, but I guess she had to leave sometime…
“I know, Mares. You don’t have to rub it in,” Lily’s voice float down to us. And sure enough, they were emerging from the staircase where they saw the decors.
“Wow…” Amy’s hand flew up to her throat.
“Is this… for… me?” Lily asked quietly, turning back towards me, her cheeks tinged pink. Remus had finally gotten the balloons to stop harassing Peter and we were all watching Lily now with bated breath.
“Er… yeah,” I said, exchanging a worried look with Mary and Amy. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off.
“It’s… amazing,” Lily breathed after a moment and there was a collective sigh of relief from everyone. “Really, thank you.”
Lily turned towards Mary and Amy and jerked her head subtly towards the door.
“Wait,” I said, catching Lily by the hand and she stopped abruptly, jerking her hand out of my grasp rather violently.
I was slightly taken aback by her reaction and I waited for her to scream at me not to touch her, but she just winced slightly and looked apologetically up at me.
“Sorry,” she said awkwardly. “You have cold hands. It just… surprised me is all.”
“Er, ok,” I said and I saw Remus roll his eyes out of the corner of my vision. “Listen, I have something for you.”
Lily looked unsteadily back towards Mary and Amy and exchanged a series of odd facial expressions that I couldn’t read. Those girls were so weird.
“Go on,” Lily finally said to them. “I’ll meet you at dinner.”
Mary and Amy nodded and climbed through the portrait hole. Lily turned back towards me, a wary expression on her face.
“You don’t have to be so apprehensive,” I grinned at her and she gave me a small smile.
“Sorry,” she grimaced. “I’m just not very good with presents. Mary and Ames know not to get me anything by now… but I guess you wouldn’t know that.”
“Who doesn’t love presents?” I scoffed at her and she rolled her eyes at me in that oh-so familiar way. “It’s not a big deal, anyways.”
I retrieved a small wrapped package from the tables we had pushed against the walls and tossed it to Lily who caught it and eyed it suspiciously.
“It’s not going to bite you…I don’t think,” I sent her my best mischievous smile for good measure and she sighed and pulled off the wrapping.
A square box fell into her hands and with another doubtful look at me, she opened it and reached her hand in, only to pull it out quickly with a small yelp.
“What the bloody hell is in there?” Lily said, her eyes wide as she held the box out to me. “It’s… furry.”
“You’ll just have to be a big girl and see for yourself,” I folded my arms over my chest and leaned back against one of the armchairs, watching her.
Lily sent me a withering look and tipped the box so that the contents fell out into her open palm. A small light brown ball of fur rolled into her hand and she started at the sight of it. Dropping the empty box onto the couch, she held her palm up gingerly so she could see better.
“What… is it?” Lily asked delicately, her brow furrowing as her eyes slid from the brown ball of fur over to me.
“Ah, damnit,” I said pushing myself away from the couch and walking up to her. I prodded the fur ball with my finger. “Come on, budge up there.”
A quiet gasp escaped Lily as the furry thing stretched out, revealing a miniature shaggy lion.
“Oh my…gosh,” Lily breathed, reaching a tentative hand up to stroke the little lion’s mane. “Is he… real?”
I let out a snort of laughter. “Of course he’s real. What did you think, that he’s a figment of your imagination?”
“You know what I mean,” Lily said quietly, not taking her eyes off the lion.
“He’s as real as you and me,” I shrugged, reaching a hand up to stroke the lion myself. “That er… that statue McGonagall sent us as a portkey to get back from your house? Well, a bit of spell work brought him right to life.”
Lily tore her eyes away from the lion and gazed up at me, an expression on her face that baffled me. I realized that we were standing quite close to each other, our faces mere inches apart. The lavender scent coming off her hair was beginning to mess with my head and for one crazy moment, I wished that Lily was my girlfriend and not Carly, so our proximity would be nothing to worry about.
Lily seemed to notice our closeness too and with a blink of her vibrant green eyes, she took a step back, the lion cradled tenderly in her hands.
“Thank you, James,” Lily said, an air of forced formality to her voice. “Really, it means… a lot.”
“Yeah, well…” I trailed off, realizing that what I wanted to say, that she means a lot, would have been wildly inappropriate. “Happy birthday,” I finished lamely.
“Right,” Lily took another step away from me. “I’ll… I’ll see you tonight. At the party.”
Lily turned quickly and disappeared through the portrait hole leaving me gaping after her.
I heard sniggers from the corner of the room where Remus and Peter had been watching and I frowned at them.
“What?” I snapped, snatching the empty box off the couch.
“Nothing,” Remus shrugged innocently, a smug grin on his face.
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