Crazy but true

Lily,

            I hope school is going well and you’re studying lot (but not too much… take a break once in a while)! We all miss you at home, even Petunia, though she won’t say as much out loud. Dad’s started working early mornings at that little corner market where we get those wonderful peaches. It’s nothing to worry about, but with winter coming up people haven’t been buying many flowers. I do hope you’ll come home for Christmas this year! Petunia’s having Vernon over and your Nana and Grandad are coming down from Aberdeen for the week so we’ll have a full house! We all miss you, Lilykins. It’s not the same around here without you!

            Love you lots,

            Mum

 I sighed heavily and folded the letter back up, slipping it carefully into its envelope. I sank back into the squashy red couch in the common room, thinking over what my mother had written.

“You alright, Lils?” Mary asked from her spot on the floor where she was painting her toenails a vivid red color.

“Yeah, just… letter from home,” I mumbled, staring idly into the roaring fireplace.

“Is something wrong?” Amy asked, looking up from her Transfiguration notes.

“No… well, my dad’s gotten a second job,” I said quietly. The common room was full of students milling about and I wasn’t particularly keen on everyone in Gryffindor knowing that my family had money problems.

Mary frowned slightly, a small crease forming between her dark eyebrows. “I don’t understand… why would he need a second job? What about the flower shop?”

“Well, that’s just it,” I slid off the couch so that I was sitting on the floor between her and Amy. “Mum said they haven’t been getting enough business lately, with winter coming up. I just don’t want him to overwork himself.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, Lily,” Amy comforted me. “Christmas is coming up, people buy loads of flowers at Christmas.”

“And Petunia’s bringing her whale of a boyfriend around for the holidays,” I grumbled, wrapping a strand of my red hair absently around my fingers.

“If only you were seventeen already,” Mares sighed, a mischievous grin playing at her lips. “Or else you could have some real fun with them.”

I refrained from lecturing her on the dangers of doing magic in front of muggles (particularly Vernon who didn’t even know magic existed) and instead pulled out a clean piece of parchment to write a reply.

I scrawled a quick note, saying I would in fact be home for Christmas and couldn’t wait to see everyone. I slipped on my cloak, muttering to Ames and Mary that I’d be back shortly and set off towards the owlery.

The sun was low in the sky as I made my way across the grounds and as I neared the owlery, I hurried up the steps with my letter in hand and stopped abruptly in the doorway when I spotted someone perched in the open window.

“Sirius!” I said, surprised as I recognized his shaggy mane of dark hair silhouetted against the setting sun.

“Oh, hey Evans,” he responded glumly, glancing at me only briefly before looking back down at the letter in his hands.

“Are you alright?” I asked tentatively. He looked troubled and for once, I was a tad bit worried about this Marauder.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sirius muttered, not looking at me. “Letter from my mum.”

He waved the letter he was holding at me and with a sinking feeling, I remembered the brutal way he left home over the summer.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ventured, stepping lightly across the owlery floor towards him. I had never seen Sirius Black upset about anything before and it was oddly discomforting. Even right after he left home, he had been cheerful.

“Not much to talk about, is there?” Sirius said blandly, looking up at me. “It’s just a long list of curses she’s written this time... They stopped paying for my tuition here, you know.”

“They what?” I stuttered, surprised by this information.

“S’not a big deal, really,” Sirius shrugged, but I scoffed. “My uncle Alphard heard about the whole thing and offered to pay the rest. He’s always been more of a father to me than my real parents anyways.”

“Sirius, I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, sitting on the window ledge next to him. I had never realized that Sirius came from such a complicated background. I mean, my parents barely managed to pay my tuition here as it was, but I couldn’t even imagine what I’d do if they disowned me, then stopped paying for it altogether. I’d probably just curl up in a ball and cry.

“It’s alright,” Sirius said earnestly, meeting my sympathetic gaze.  “Mum’s blasted me off the family tree, along with poor old Uncle Alphard now. Her own brother… can you imagine? The whole lots of them are seriously twisted… I’m better off rid of them.”

“That’s awful,” I muttered, at a loss for anything else to say. “If it makes you feel any better, my sister said she’d rather tell people I’m dead than a witch.”

Sirius looked up at me, surprise written all over his face.

“You have a sister?” He asked, frowning slightly.

“Yeah, Petunia,” I answered curtly. “She’s a year older than I am and a right pain in my arse.”

A small smile appeared on Sirius face at my words and I raised my eyebrows questioningly at him.

“I’ve never heard you say a single bad thing about someone before, ‘cept James of course,” Sirius smirked and I rolled my eyes.

It felt strange, yet comfortable sitting here talking to Sirius about our families. I never pictured Sirius Black as the kind of person I would ever get along with, even though he was close with one of my best friends, but then again I’d been wrong about so many people recently that it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

I pushed myself off the window ledge and quickly tied my letter to my owl Marmalade’s leg, giving him a small nudge out the window.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Sirius suddenly asked.

“Mm,” I replied absent-mindedly as I watched my owl fly away to the horizon. “Fire away.”

“What do you really think of James?”

I turned towards Sirius, his eyes shining under the black shaggy hair that fell casually fell across his forehead. “What do I really think of James Potter?”

“Yeah,” Sirius shrugged, letting one leg fall off the window ledge, swinging slowly. “I think Moony told you a little about him but you’ve never told us what you think.” I sighed, might as well spill some beans since we have a ‘truce’.

“Besides he’s an arrogant toerag and an annoying git?” I laughed. I gave it a moment’s thought, “Well, James is okay most of the time, I guess. When he’s not jinxing some innocent Slytherin, making fun of Sev or endlessly asking me out, he’s a decent bloke.”

“Define decent,” Sirius had a smirk on his face now.

“He’s loyal, I guess,” I replied carefully. “Creative because of his pranks and quite talented in Transfiguration. And that’s probably it but know that his ‘decent’ side and his ‘arrogant toerag’ side are miles apart.” Sirius gave a snort of laughter, “You’re quite alright, Evans. Quite alright.”

“This is bloody impossible,” Amy grumbled, tossing her quill onto the table in frustration and yanking her hands through her tangled blond hair.

“It’s not that hard, Ames,” I said soothingly, fetching her quill for her before it skidded off the table. “Antidotes aren’t about memorizing; they’re purely logical. You just need to look at the facts—the ingredients—and you should be able to deduce the antidote from there.”

Amy glared up at me and Mary chuckled quietly next to her.

“Evening, ladies,” Sirius’s voice floated towards us as he appeared from between two rows of books in the library with Remus and Peter in tow. “How’s the potion’s essay coming along?”

“Shove it, Black,” Amy growled, snatching her quill from my hand. Sirius gave Mary and I a questioning look before taking the empty seat next to me. Remus and Peter pulled up chairs as well, completely filling our table.

“She’s having a bit of difficulty with the antidotes…”I said quietly to him and he smirked. Ames threw us a dirty look.

I chuckled quietly and turned back to my own essay. I added a quick conclusion and stuffed the essay into my bag, glad to be done.

“Looks like Potter’s doing some studying of his own tonight,” Mary whispered and we all followed her gaze to a couple several tables down from ours. I recognized the fiery red hair of Carly Carrington and the messy black hair of Potter, though the two appeared to be glued together at the lips.

I wrinkled my nose slightly, not in the mood to watch Potter swap spit with some Ravenclaw bimbo tonight. I had seen Alex towing some poor girl into a broom closet on my way to the library and was in no mood to talk about relationships.

“Are they actually dating now?” Amy asked, glad to have something to distract her from antidotes.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Peter muttered, rolling his eyes at his friend and turning back to us. He had an irritated expression on his face.

“You don’t like her,” I guessed, trying to hide the satisfied smile that was pushing against my lips.

“She’s perfectly nice,” Remus shrugged, but I could tell he didn’t think so.

“You hate her,” Mary smirked, her blue eyes twinkling devilishly.

“We don’t hate her,” Sirius contradicted. “She really is nice. And she has a great sense of humor, she’s smart, pretty but haven’t you noticed?”

Ames, Mary and I exchanged a confused look.

“Noticed what?” Amy asked, looking over at James and Carly again.

“Come on, it’s obvious,” Peter squeaked, resting his elbows on the table and leaning forward. His watery blue eyes found their way to mine and he raised his pale blond eyebrows slightly. “Lily, Carly’s basically you.”

“Oh, come off it,” I scoffed impatiently. “She’s nothing like me.”

“Actually…” Mary said slowly, her eyes darting between the redheaded Ravenclaw and myself. “I see what they mean…”

“You’re off your rocker,” I folded my arms across my chest and shook my head at them.

“Lily, remember what I told you about James?” Remus spoke up, leaning around Sirius to look at me.

“Yes, and I meant to speak to you about that little theory of yours,” I snapped, flashing Remus my best death glare. “It’s bullocks is what it is. I asked him if he was intimidated by me and you know what he did? He laughed… for a good solid ten minutes.”

“Well, of course he wouldn’t admit it to you,” Peter muttered and Sirius elbowed him in the side, shooting him a look.

“No, I think I see what you’re getting at,” Amy said suddenly, sitting up in her seat. I gave her a confused look and she turned towards me. “You told us that Remus said you’re kind of like the ultimate challenge for James… its why he asks you out all the time. You’re the one person he can’t have, the only thing that’s unattainable to him. And if you say yes—”

“But I haven’t said yes, have I?” I frowned at her and Mary shook her head impatiently.

“No, you haven’t and we all know you’d sooner eat a hippogriff than go out with him,” Mares said suppressing a smile. “But Carly said yes… and Lily, you have to see the similarities between you two. You’re both incredibly smart, you’re both prefects, you even look similar – ‘cept for the eyes.”

“Don’t you get it?” Remus asked and I wrinkled my nose. This was all very confusing. “James is substituting Carly for you. He figures this is as close to you as he’ll ever get. In his mind, he’s won. But we all know he’s just kidding himself. Hell, I think even Carly knows it. Everyone knows that what he really wants… is you.”

“But James doesn’t want to date me. He just wants the satisfaction of knowing he can have me (which he most certainly cannot). This is all completely ridiculous,” I scoffed, hastily dropping my things in my bag and shoving myself away from the table. “You’re all cracked.”

“You’re in denial,” Mary pointed out and I clenched my teeth together.

“James Potter does not like me,” I said furiously through my teeth. “He doesn’t care about me at all. He ruined my date with Amos Diggory, humiliated me in front of the entire Slug Club, and badgers me mercilessly about my ex-boyfriend. Now, we may have finally struck up a real truce with each other, but that does not mean he sees me as anything more than a friend and fellow prefect.”

Everyone at the table stared at me for a moment after my outburst.

“Don’t get your wand in a knot,” Mary rolled her eyes at me impatiently, showing no tolerance for my temper. “All we did was suggest that maybe James fancies you a bit in some round-about twisted way.”

“He does,” Peter nodded faithfully.

“That does not help, Pettigrew,” I said to him coldly.

“Is everything alright?” Amy asked, peering at me intently with her brown eyes. “You’ve been awfully tense all night…”

I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I saw Alex and some girl slipping into a broom cupboard on my way here. I just… can’t talk about relationships right now—mine or anyone else’s. I just need to clear my head.”

I slung my bag over my shoulder and turned quickly down one of the many rows of books heading towards the exit. Once I was out of sight of my friends I stopped and leaned against the shelf, taking a few more deep breaths.

“She’s still really upset about Alex, isn’t she?” I heard Remus ask quietly. I stiffened slightly and moved back towards the table, making sure I was still hidden from view.

“I think she’s more hurt than she lets on,” Amy said and I could almost picture her concerned face.

“But they weren’t even dating for that long, were they?” Sirius voice was low, but full of curiosity.

“A couple months, actually,” Mary corrected him. “They didn’t tell anyone for a while.”

 “But I can understand where she’s coming from,” Ames’s voice said. “I mean, if someone said to me what Alex said to her, I’d be put off dating for a while too.”

“Ames…” Mary’s voice hissed a warning.

“Wait, what did he say to her?” Peter asked and I was surprised to hear a note of protectiveness in his voice.

I winced, hoping that Mary and Ames had more sense than to tell them Alex cheated on me. Please, don’t tell them that.

“It was nothing really,” Amy said lightly, trying to back-pedal. “Forget I mentioned it.”

“Come on girls, spill,” Sirius demanded.

 “Well, essentially Alex said that Lily wasn’t what he expected her to be,” Amy said slowly. “You know, once he got to really know her, he thought she was a know-it-all, she was too interested in school and not interested enough in how she looked, or… or what they did together.”

“You’re joking right?” Remus hissed and I swallowed hard. It hurt to hear all of this again and I felt something prickle behind my eyes, though I tried desperately to will it away.

“Look,” I heard Mary say quietly. “I think deep down, Lily is resisting James so much because she’s worried he’ll do to her what Alex did. That he’ll see the real her, and decide he doesn’t like it after all.”

“James wouldn’t do that, though,” Sirius said fiercely and I heard Remus and Peter agree.

“But Lily doesn’t know that,” Mary contradicted him. “You said that James needed to realize his feelings for her on his own… why don’t you let her do the same? She’s been through a lot with Alex… it’s going to take her a while to be able to trust anyone like that again.”

I pushed myself away from the bookshelf, not wanting to hear anymore. The hot, angry tears that were pushing against my eyes finally spilled over as I hurried from the library.

These were tears of frustration—frustration at my friends’ insistence of James Potter’s nonexistent feelings for me, frustration that I was still very much affected by what Alex had done to me, but most of all frustration that what Mary had said could very well be true.

I wandered aimlessly through the halls, not wanting to go back to the Gryffindor tower yet. I needed a distraction, something to keep me from thinking all the things that were building up inside my head.

I walked purposefully through the halls, figuring I might as well take up an extra patrol and make myself useful.

Unfortunately, the halls seemed to empty tonight. I had been counting on at least a few younger students to be out past their curfew. But the only people around were fifth years or above. Stupid rule-abiding students.

A sudden sound to my left made me pause as I whipped my head to the side, a small smile turning up the corners of my lips. Excellent.

Nothing would be more satisfying right now that to disrupt a romantic romp in a broom closet.

I strode towards the door, adjusting the gold Prefect badge on my robes so that it gleamed in the dim light from the candles.

I knocked loudly on the door, smiling even more when I heard the scuffling inside stop abruptly.

I knocked again.

The door slowly opened and two embarrassed faces swam into view.

But the satisfied feeling that had welled up in me vanished as I recognized the figures.

“Alex,” I gasped, taking a step back as he emerged from the closet with none other than Katie Bishop, their hands still loosely entwined.

“Evening, Lily,” Alex said smoothly. Behind him, Katie Bishop was eyeing me with interest. I ignored her and turned to Alex.

I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows slightly, waiting for an explanation.

“Er… right, sorry about this,” Alex said awkwardly, glancing back towards the ajar broom closet.

I seethed angrily at him from where I stood, keeping my arms folded and my best death glare fixed on my face.

“We didn’t mean for anyone to find us,” Alex muttered lamely and I let out an angry huff, though I suppose I sounded more like a choking cat.

I gave him one last glare before letting my arms drop to my side.

“Ten points from Hufflepuff,” I managed to say before turning away from them.

“Hold on a minute, Evans,” Alex grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him. “You can’t take points from me, I’m a prefect as well.”

“It’s protocol, Johnson,” I sneered his name, wrenching my arm from his grip. “You were carrying on inappropriately in a public place. Rules are rules, it doesn’t matter what your status is.”

I knew my words only added fuel to the destructive fire that was our relationship, but I was beyond caring. The two people who had started that fire were standing in front of me holding hands and it made me sick.

“Protocol didn’t seem to matter too much when it was you in there with me last year,” Alex said and I thought I saw Katie wince slightly at that but I didn’t care.

I swallowed hard, putting all my energy into keeping the angry tears at bay behind my eyes.

“Yeah, well I guess things have changed since then, haven’t they?” I hissed, my voice dangerously low and I turned again and walked away from them.

I wanted to get as far away from them as I possibly could. I wanted to run, leave the castle and just take off into the forest and run forever, never looking back.

But running away from my problems wouldn’t solve anything so instead I walked quickly back towards the Gryffindor tower, my mind focused only on getting far away from Alex and Katie.

I rounded a corner and walked past a classroom, barely noticing the dim pearly light that leaked through the open crack. I backed up hastily, glancing inside and saw something silvery white prance by me, something with four legs.

Curious, I opened the door even more to peer inside and was surprised when I saw Severus sitting on a desk, his wand directing the silver Patronus around the room.

“Lily!” He gasped, noticing me watching him and the four-legged Patronus vanished at his distraction.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” I said quietly. “Can I join you?”

Severus nodded quickly and I slipped inside, taking a seat on the desk next to him.

“Everything alright?” Severus asked, concern coloring his voice. “You look kind of…distressed.”

I looked over at him, not even bothering to hide the fact that I was just that—distressed. Distressed that I’d once again seen Alex snogging some tart in a closet, distressed that my friends were all convinced Potter and I were meant to be, distressed that lately I felt like I wasn’t living my own life, but someone else’s…

“What happened?” Severus asked quickly, scooting closer to me on the desk.

“I’m just… sick and tired of everyone thinking they’ve got me all figured out,” I burst, my voice tight with anger.

“Er… who exactly are we talking about?” Severus asked, frowning slightly.

“My bloody friends,” I spat, shoving myself off the desk and pacing back and forth in front of him. “They think Potter and I are like, destined to be together, or something. It’s complete bollocks.”

I saw Severus tense at the mention of his nemesis, but I kept talking.

“Yes, he asks me out all the time. And yes, he can sometimes be charming and not make me want to vomit. But just because he’s dating someone who looks like I do and is clever and a prefect doesn’t mean he’s got some deep-seated, undiscovered feelings for me,” I seethed, struggling to put my thoughts into words. “It’s psychotic the way they all go on about him!”

Severus snorted but quickly dropped his smile when I glared at him.

“I’ve known James Potter for a very long time and he’s got about the emotional capacity of a snail. But for some reason, his idiotic friends think he’s genuinely interested in me,” I finished. “And to top it all off, they think I’m harboring some repressed feelings for him as well.”

Severus’s smile was gone completely now.

“Are you?” He asked tentatively and I glanced over at him, seeing dread settle itself in his eyes.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sev,” I scoffed. “Of course I’m not.”

Severus let out a breath and I came to a stop in front of him.

“It’s just… frustrating,” I said quietly. “Having all your friends expecting you to come to some brilliant realization about love that they’re convinced they’ve already got figured out for you. I know it’ll never happen… James Potter and I aren’t meant for each other, not by a long shot. And they won’t believe me when I tell them that.”

“All that matters is that you know it,” Severus said, the dread in his dark eyes slowly ebbing away.

“And what do you think?” I asked abruptly. “Are Potter and I a match made in heaven?”

I saw Severus’s jaw clench slightly at my quip, but I waited for him to respond. His eyes were tight and thoughtful, like he was having some internal struggle.

“I don’t think anyone will ever be good enough for you,” Severus said after a moment, his head dropping slightly.

“They’re all convinced,” I said, looking down at my feet, “That the reason I haven’t realized my feelings for him is because I’m still so upset over Alex that I won’t let myself trust anyone like that again.”

Severus frowned, a pained expression flashing across his face just like every other time I’d mentioned Alex around him.

“But then seeing him with her of all people,” I whispered, settling myself onto the desk next to Severus. “It makes me wonder if maybe they’re right…”

“Who did you see?”

“Alex,” I whispered quietly, tears blurring my vision and before I could stop myself, tears were rolling down my cheeks.

“I feel like I’m losing control of everything, Sev,” I stuttered through the tears, trying idly to wipe them away. “Everyone’s making decisions about who I should be with, what I should think of people, what I should do, what I shouldn’t do… I feel like I’m losing control of my own life.”

Any other boy in that situation would be completely and utterly at a loss. Maybe there would be awkward pat on the shoulder, an offered tissue. There would definitely be an uncomfortable “it’ll be ok” and a desperate hope that the tears would stop.

But Severus didn’t even hesitate before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me in so that my head rested easily on his shoulder.

“You’re friends love you, Lily,” Severus said quietly, one of his hands brushing my hair away from my face. “I—Everyone does… They just want what’s best for you; they want you to be happy. And while I completely disagree about Potter, if there was something that I thought would make you happy, I’d damn well do anything to make it happen.”

I didn’t respond, but let the tears flow freely from my eyes, keeping my head on his shoulder. When we were younger, I used to tell Sev that it was like his shoulder was made specifically for my head to rest on, it was so perfect. And even after everything that had happened between us in the last year, it still felt right, sitting here with him. At least I knew I got one thing right when I gave him a second chance.

“It will be ok, Lily,” I heard Severus say softly, his chin resting on top of my head.

And then he did the best thing anyone in that situation could ever do… he let me cry.

I was in Charms class before Mary and Ames arrived the next day. We hadn’t spoken since the library, though it wasn’t on purpose. They had both been asleep by the time I got back last night.

I was absent-mindedly proofreading my Charms essay that was due in class when Amy and Mares sat down on either side of me.

“Hi, Lily,” Amy said tentatively. I could tell she was worried I was going to yell at her again and I felt a pang of guilt.

“Look, about last night…” Mary started but I held up a hand, cutting her off.

“It’s alright,” I said and Mary and Ames exchanged a quick look.

“But we shouldn’t have—“ Amy started but I cut her off again.

“You were just being honest,” I shrugged. “I’m not going to be mad at you for that.”

“But you seemed really mad,” Mary pressed and I let out a deep sigh.

“It was bad timing, that’s all,” I assured her. “I had just seen Alex and it was just… not a good time to talk about Potter.”

I quickly filled them on what happened after I left the library, causing Mary to swear loudly and earn a detention from Professor Flitwick. Needless to say, they were both appalled by his nerve.

“I can’t believe he even mentioned your time together,” Amy hissed, as the rest of our class settled in. “Especially in front of her.”

“I can’t believe we used to think he was actually a decent bloke,” Mary muttered, shaking her head.

We stopped talking as Flitwick started telling us about the day’s assignment and I let my mind wander. I’d read a few chapters ahead and already knew what we’d be doing.

My eyes fell on Carly Carrington across the room where she sat, the very picture of attentiveness. She was sitting up perfectly straight; a quill poised in her hand, her eyes wide and attentive.

The evil part inside me sneered at her, when are you going to bloody stop and show your true self? Isn’t your hand tired from all that note taking? Aren’t you fed up of doing those extra-credit essays?

If I didn’t know anything about her at all, I would say this was just a show that she was only trying to impress the professors. But then again, maybe she really was little miss perfect. It was irritating, watching her, and slowly seeing for myself the similarities that everyone had already pointed out to me.

The way she would nod whenever Flitwick would make a point, the way she would take notes on everything he said (even the unimportant things, just in case they showed up on an exam), even the way she tugged on her cinnamon colored hair was identical to me.

Merlin, she really was just like me. How creepy.

But there was no way in hell James Potter was dating her because of that. It didn’t make sense. Potter had never shown any real interest in me. Sure we talked, but we’d never had any real conversations about life or family or ourselves. Hell, even Sirius Black knew more about my personal life than he did.

And call me conventional, but when I fancy someone I don’t routinely make fun of them until they hex me into oblivion.

No, James Potter did not like me; of that I was positively sure.

December snuck up on us quicker than November had and before any of us were ready for it, we were buried under piles and piles of homework that was due before the Christmas break.

Tonight Mary, Amy and I were studying in the common room, the Marauders having joined us not long ago. The air was tense, everyone concentrating hard on the mountain of homework we had due that week. It seemed like the professors were trying to pile on as much as they could before Christmas, and all of us were about at our breaking points.

“Lily, I can’t remember – what are the five principles of human transfiguration?” Amy asked, her voice laced with stress as she raked her hands through her messy blond hair.

“Here, you can just look at my paper, I’ve already finished it,” I slid my Transfiguration essay across the table to her, earning incredulous stares from the Marauders.

“What are you staring at?” I asked them brusquely, adding another sentence to my Herbology essay.

“You’re just going to let her copy you?” James asked, raising his eyebrows slightly at me.

“I don’t have time for morality lessons tonight, Potter,” I rolled my eyes at him. “Even I’m overwhelmed by all this work and I don’t want Amy to fail. I’m just helping her out.”

“Did I say I thought it was wrong?” James scoffed. “You’ve just never let anyone copy your homework before, that’s all.”

“Oh, please don’t act like you know all my habits,” I groaned, not even looking up at him anymore, but scribbling down a few more things to add on to my description of Gillyweed.

“I know you better than you think, Evans,” Potter said lightly and I glared at him.

“Guys,” Mary intervened, her voice sounding bored with our verbal sparring. “Not tonight, please. This Transfiguration essay is due tomorrow!”

“He started it,” I mumbled childishly and James stuck his tongue out at me.

Mary glanced at Sirius and the two of them exchanged a weary eye roll.

Remus chuckled lightly and I turned back to my homework, forcing myself to focus completely until it was done.

As I slowly made my way through the list of assignments, the common room gradually emptied as well. I wasn’t even sure what time it was when a voice broke the tense silence.

“Er… can you help me with something?” I heard James say and I figured he was talking to Sirius. But when I glanced up, I noticed with a jolt that he and I were the only ones left in the common room.

“Godric, what time is it?” I asked groggily, noticing that the fire in the giant stone fireplace had died down to embers.

“Nearing one,” Potter answered.

“When did everyone leave?” I narrowed my eyes, rubbing my temples as I was starting to get a headache.

“About an hour ago… Amy was the last,” Potter said, jotting something down on his Charms essay. “You were pretty absorbed in your work. I’m not surprised you didn’t notice. We probably could have chucked a Quaffle at your head and you still wouldn’t have flinched.”

I bit my lip, trying to remember everyone leaving but couldn’t. Had I really been that focused? Oh, crap… Potter asked me something, didn’t he?

“Sorry, what did you ask me?” I muttered, running a hand through my tangled red hair.

“You’re really out of it tonight,” Potter chuckled, watching me from behind his glasses.

“I’m just… coming out of study mode,” I muttered, hastily tidying up the smattering of papers that littered my side of the table. “It usually takes me a few minutes.”

“Your study mode is pretty intense, then,” Potter observed lightly as I stacked my books neatly. “I can see why Johnson thought you were too into your schoolwork…”

“Excuse me?” I nearly choked, dropping the book I was holding. How the flipping hell did he know what Alex said to me?

James Potter had always had this unique ability to frown and raise one single eyebrow at the same time, giving him a perfect “Are-you-bloody-sure?” face. And he was doing it right now.

“Isn’t that why you two broke up?” James asked, still giving me his “Are-you-bloody-sure?” face.

“Where on earth did you hear that?” I scoffed, trying to play it off as false information.

“It’s alright, you know,” James said, his face relaxing at my defensiveness. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. Sirius mentioned that the reason you two broke up was because you were too into your studies.”

“Damnit,” I hissed, slamming my Charms book onto the table. “Why can’t people just keep things to themselves? Does everyone just sit around talking about me?”

“Err, no. Don’t be conceited, Evans. We have much better things to talk about than your love life,” James smirked and I gave him my death glare. “He just mentioned it in passing, that’s all. I don’t know why you tried to hide it from everyone. It’s not a big deal. ”

“Not to you,” I contradicted sharply.

“Look, we all have shitty breakups,” James said, his voice softening slightly. “You shouldn’t dwell on it.”

“Can we please not talk about this?” I groaned, resting my forehead on my hands.

“Fine,” Potter shrugged. “But I needed you to help me with something.”

“You’re asking me for help?” I asked, my head still in my hands.

“Yeah, so what?”

“First, I thought you’d rather die than ever ask me for help,” I muttered, lifting my head slightly so that my chin was resting on my hands. “Second, you’re kind of brilliant, what in Merlin’s name could you possibly need my help with?”

“You do realize that you just admitted out loud that you think I’m brilliant…” James asked, his face splitting into a cocky grin.

“Shaddup, I’m too tired to argue with you right now,” I muttered, sitting up straight. “Do you want help or not?”

“Yes,” James chuckled, flipping through the pages in his Charms book to a page he’d dog-eared. “It’s this spell I came across when I was reading earlier. But I can’t get it to work… I thought I had the wand movement right, but maybe I’m missing something in the theory.”

He slid the book across the table to me and I looked down at the page he’d marked, reading through the text.

“Why are you reading about Disillusionment charms?” I asked, still skimming through the section. “We’re not due to learn about them until the end of the year.”

“Just thought I’d get ahead on reading,” Potter shrugged, but there was an undercurrent to his voice that told me he was hiding something.

“Since when have you ever done extra reading?” I smiled up at him and watched as he blushed slightly.

And suddenly I recalled part of my conversation with Remus:

“For Merlin’s sake, he actually studies for the classes you two have together, because he finally has competition—Someone to impress.” Remus had said.

Was this proof that what Remus had said was true? Did James Potter actually study extra for Charms because he was trying to impress me?

Had it been anyone but Potter, I would have thought it was almost sweet. But this information only served as a reminder of my friends’ insistence on his feelings for me, something that I still deeply doubted.

“I just… find Charms an interesting subject, that’s all,” James muttered, pulling his book back across the table towards him. “If you don’t want to help me, fine.”

“No, no, I can help you,” I chuckled, pulling my wand out of my bag.  

I scanned the room for an object that could serve as my test subject and spotting a small lion statue sitting on a bookshelf, I hopped off my seat and grabbed it. I set it on the table in front of him and he stared at it skeptically.

“Why don’t you show me what you tried before,” I suggested, feeling slightly awkward ordering him around. Normally I had no trouble telling Potter what to do—“Shut up”, “stop looking down my shirt,”, and “put down that niffler” were all part of our regular conversations…But in the context of academics? James Potter had never been one to listen to me when I gave orders, and it felt strange that he was actually seeking out my help now.

I watched carefully as James muttered “Amitto formae” and tapped the small lion statue with his wand. James frowned, a crease forming between his eyes when the lion statue remained unchanged.

“Right, well I already see your problem,” I said, smiling slightly as James shot me a frustrated look. I took it that he didn’t often come across something he didn’t understand.

“You’ve got the wand movement right, and there’s really not much to the theory,” I said moving around the table so that I was sitting next to him. “All you’re trying to do is effectively hide the object, camouflage it if you will.”

“So what the bloody hell am I doing wrong?” James’s shoulders slumped and he crossed his arms.

“It’s your language,” I said simply and James scowled.

“If you’re trying to tell me I shouldn’t swear, I’ve already heard it plenty of times from my mum, thank you very much,” James sniffed.

“No, you misunderstand me,” I smiled. “It’s literally your language… the spell you used.”

“I did everything the book said,” James retorted defensively.

I couldn’t stop myself from giggling at this, but it was cut short with a glare from James.

“That’s your problem,” I said and James stared at me with his eyebrows knitted tightly together. “The thing you need to think about is what you’re trying to disillusion. Amitto Formae is simply a formula to use. You need to look at the words. Most spells we learn have a Latin derivation. Amitto, or to lose, is the root of the spell. Formae means appearance… it’s a general instruction. What this spell needs is some specification.”

James’s “Are-you-bloody-sure?” face intensified and finally he rolled his eyes.

“Are you even speaking English, Evans?” James sighed irritably. Merlin, he got crabby when he didn’t understand something. “What in the bloody hell are you on about?”

“If you’re not going to be nice to me, I’m not going to tell you,” I chided him, leaning back in my chair and giving him an appraising look.

James took a deep breath, his face relaxing slightly.

“Lily,” he said calmly. “Would you please explain a little more clearly what you’re babbling—“ I frowned at him, “Fine…talking, about.”

I bit my lip, trying not to smile as I sat forward in my chair.

“Ok, to put it simply, you need to replace ‘formae’ with something more specific to the object you’re trying to disillusion,” I said slowly, hoping that made slightly more sense.

“So… “ James drew out, his eyes narrowing at the lion statue. He flicked his hazel eyes back up to me. “I’m sorry, I still don’t quite understand.”

“Don’t apologize,” I said quickly, scooting my chair towards him. “Did you ever learn Latin?”

“No, I know French,” James said, frowning. “Stupid, useless language.”

“No, French is useful too, though not as much in this case,” I mollified him. “Formae is a term used as a general descriptive… it means appearance. Just general appearance. What you need to replace it with is something that is more descriptive of this lion statue. Even if it’s only minutely more descriptive it’ll make a world of difference.”

James nodded once and I could tell that he still didn’t understand.

“Ok, how would you describe this lion?” I asked him and his eyes flitted down towards the lion.

“Stupid,” He muttered. “Ugly, mocking, infuriating…”

“James,” I warned, barely able to suppress my smile.

“Fine… statue-like?” James tried and I shook my head. “Erm… bronze, solid, Baroque-esque?”

I giggled, half impressed that James could identify the artistic period this statue was created in.

“You’re over-thinking it now,” I laughed. “Simplify it. What is this statue? It’s a shape—a object—isn’t it?”

“Well, damn. Why didn’t I think of that,” James muttered, shooting the offending statue a hostile glare.

“So this is when it really helps to know a bit of Latin,” I said. “Try using formare, instead of formae.”

“Those are practically the same,” James exclaimed, his arms flailing out to the side.

“Not in Latin, they’re not,” I said pointedly. “Just try it, please.”

James glared at me for a second and then lowered his eyes to the statue, raising his wand and repeating the incantation. His eyes widened in shock as the lion statue took on the appearance of the wooden desk it was resting on. It looked like a chameleon, adapting its appearance to its surroundings.

“See? It’s all in the subtleties,” I smiled at his stunned expression.

“Well, subtlety was never my strong suit,” James grinned, in a noticeably better mood now that he had gotten the spell to work. “As I’m sure you can attest to.”

“Really?” I said, my voice rich with sarcasm. “Because I actually thought spelling out “Evans, let’s shag” in Fillibuster Fireworks last year at the Halloween feast was just wreaking with refinement.”

“Come on, that was clever and you know it,” James chuckled. “And did you like those pumpkin carvings, Evans?”

“Yes, well, even so…” I smiled, waving my wand at the lion statue and lifting the enchantment. “Do you think you understand now?”

James nodded, his eyes trained on my wand as I sent the lion statue floating back towards its place on the shelf.

“I think so…” James nodded, and a hint of mischief glimmered in his eyes as he turned his wand on me. “And if I wanted to disillusion you?”

I stared at the tip of his wand, almost touching my nose and then raised my eyes to meet his.

“Well, how would you describe me?” I asked defiantly, raising my head an inch.

“Infuriating, sexy, bossy,” Potter listed off, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

“Potter…” I warned, but couldn’t hold back my smile. “Simplify. I’m just a body am I not?”

“Quite a fit one, I might add,” James amended under his breath, his eyes flitting over me.

“James,” I said slowly, drawing his attention back to my face. “Focus.”

“Right… body,” James shook his head slightly. “Which in French is ‘corps’… so in Latin that would be… I don’t know, ‘corpus’?”

I gave him a small nod and he smiled triumphantly.

“Amitto Corpus!” He raised his wand and tapped me gently on the head. It felt like he had cracked a raw egg over my head, the way I could feel the charm slipping over my body. I looked down to see my feet blend with the ornate rugs, the wooden table visible where my stomach should be.

“It worked!” James exclaimed joyfully, lowering his wand and backing away from me. “Lily, did you see that? It actually worked!”

I couldn’t help but laughing at his excitement and I quickly waved my wand, removing the enchantment. It was eerie to be rendered invisible.

“Of course I saw,” I laughed, gathering my things to head up to my dorm. “You did really well.”

“Thank you,” James said, a smile still plastered on his face as he pocketed his wand. “You know… for being patient with me.”

“Well, it’s easy to be patient with you when you’re being cooperative,” I nodded, swinging my over-loaded bag over my shoulder and heading towards the staircase.

“Johnson’s a complete git, you know,” I heard James say and I stopped, my foot poised on the first step. I turned slowly towards him where he was bent over the table, making a note in his charms book.

“What?” I asked, swallowing hard. Alex’s name never failed to affect me.

“What he said about you being too studious,” James said, looking up at me from his book, his hazel eyes almost glowing in the dim firelight. “It’s not a bad thing, being smart. Don’t ever think that.”

I nodded, not knowing what to respond to that. Were James Potter and I actually having a sincere moment? I never though I’d see the day…

“Just…you’ve changed a lot this year,” James said quietly, his eyes piercing mine. “You’re more relaxed, you’re letting yourself have fun… But you’re brilliant, Lily. You always have been. You shouldn't think you need to change that, no matter what anyone says. It’s one of the best things about you.”

I stared at him, at a loss for words.

“Th-thank you, James,” I finally stuttered, struck by his sincerity.

“’Night, Freckles,” James smiled, turning back to his Charms book.

I stared at him for a moment before heading up to my dorm. I may have still felt like I was losing control of some things in my life, but at least I knew that I had also gained something very important through all of it: A new friend.