The party was in full swing by ten o’clock that evening. It seemed that everyone in Gryffindor was aching for an excuse to party, not to mention everyone adored Lily. As much as she may have denied it, she was widely popular within the school. There were even some students there from other houses that had managed to sneak in, including Carly, a few of her friends, and some Hufflepuffs.
“To the birthday girl!” Sirius called loudly over the music and voices, raising his bottle of Firewhiskey into the air. Everyone in the room followed suit and I spotted Lily through the crowed, blushing furiously as Amos Diggory clinked his bottle of butterbeer against hers.
Thankfully it looked as though she were thoroughly enjoying herself. Her cheeks were flushed pink and a smile was stuck permanently on her face as she chatted animatedly with Amos Diggory. I didn’t quite like the way he looked at her, like he’d won the lottery, but who was I to care who she talked to?
“Great party, James,” Carly slid up next to me, a drink clutched in her hand. She wound her arm around me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I was honestly surprised she had even come… I was under the impression that she didn’t really care for Lily at all, especially after what had happened in the dungeons.
“Thanks. Having fun?” I asked, taking a drink from my own bottle of butterbeer.
“Loads,” Carly smiled up at me, her brown eyes twinkling in the dim lights. It was hard to think about much else when Carly smiled at me like that… she hadn’t done so in so long that I forgot how it took my breath away.
“Good,” I smiled back, twisting my fingers through hers.
“Oy! There’s my little lion man!” I looked up to see Lily with her arms linked with Mary and Amy’s making their way towards us.
“I’m sorry, what did she just call you?” Carly sniggered at me and I just shook my head as the girls came to a halt in front of us.
“Who knew birthdays could be this much fun?” Lily giggled, taking a drink from her bottle. I guess by the way she was swaying from side to side this wasn’t her first drink of the night.
“Well, anything’s more fun that sitting in the library studying,” Mary rolled her eyes at her friend.
“Happy birthday, Lily,” Carly smiled at her and Lily smiled back genuinely. Seriously, since when were they on such good terms? Did I miss something?
“James,” Lily said suddenly serious, placing a hand on my arm. “I’ve decided on a name for my lion.”
I let out a laugh as Amy and Mary dissolved into giggles at her side. It was one of those weird sentences you never expect to hear someone say…
“Well?” I pressed, waiting for her to reveal the name. “Let’s have it.”
Lily unhooked her arms from Mary and May, holding her hands out in front of herself as if waiting for a drumroll.
“Sir Harold Shaggyback,” Lily stated grandly, her drink sloshing dangerously in her hand.
“Harry the Shaggy lion, I like it,” I chuckled appreciatively.
Lily cleared her throat and sent me a stern look. “ I prefer Sir Harold Shaggyback. It’s more dignified.”
I snorted at this and a smile broke through Lily’s pseudo-serious façade. I loved seeing Lily like this… so free. So herself. There was no evidence of stress or worry in her eyes, and the smile on her face was enough to make me forget whether I was stressed or worried too.
Sirius hopped onto one of the tables and was now leading the crowed in yet another round of the “Happy Birthday” song and Lily froze with her arms still out in front of her as she listened.
“I have to go,” she said suddenly, her eyes wide. “My people need me!”
And she darted away into the crowd only to reappear a few seconds later on top of the table with Sirius, conducting the partygoers in song with her wand.
“Merlin, she’s going to be a mess tomorrow,” Amy giggled as she and Mary made their way towards the drinks table.
I stood for a moment, just watching Lily on top of the table taking a low sweeping bow with Sirius before he grabbed her and started doing a kind of waltz with her. She threw her head back in a laugh as he twirled her around the tables. Her red hair whipped through the air as she turned, her dark blue dress fanning out around her gracefully. It was incredible the difference in her between now and last year.
Remembering that Carly was standing next to me, I tore my eyes away from Lily, taking a long drink from my bottle.
“Since when are you and Lily such good friends?” I asked Carly casually as we wandered around the outside of the room.
“Oh,” Carly said, taken aback by my question and to my surprise, she blushed slightly pink. “Well… I guess, since the incident with the love potion.”
I raised my eyebrows at her questioningly and she looked down at her hands.
“She, er… she was the one who told me what actually happened,” Carly explained carefully and I felt my eyes widen. “She felt so bad about the, er, kiss… she didn’t want me to think you had cheated on me. And she… well, she convinced me to give you another chance, said that you really cared about me and… that there was nothing at all between you two.”
I stared at Carly, lost for words. I had no idea Lily had done that. If I had… well, what would I have done... thanked her? Why hadn’t she just told me?
“Oh,” was all I could respond. I looked over to where Lily was now sitting on the edge of the table talking with Sirius. She looked over and caught my eye, sending me a heart-stopping smile.
I looked down, taking a drink for something to do. It was all so confusing… I had to admit, there were times when I got the feeling that Lily maybe had feelings for me other than just friends, but… it couldn’t be true. Not in a million years. Wishful thinking, maybe? Or was it just because she wasn’t yelling at me all the time now? And especially after what Carly said, if she fancied me at all why would she have gone to so much trouble to make sure Carly forgave me, to tell her there was nothing at all between us?
“Are you ok?” Carls asked me, placing a hand on my arm.
“I’m fine,” I said quickly. “I just didn’t realize she’d done that. That was… nice of her.”
I looked over at Lily again and saw that Mary was whispering something in her ear… something that made the smile vanish from her face. She nodded to Mary and excused herself from the group she was talking to. I watched her slip out of the portrait hole and my curiosity got the better of me.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Carly, who looked at me questioningly. “I just want some fresh air. I’ll be back before you know it.”
Carly smiled and was quickly dragged away by one of her friends as I made my way through the crowd towards the portrait hole. I opened the portrait slowly and saw Lily’s red hair disappear down the end of the corridor. I followed her quietly and stopped when I heard another voice that wasn’t hers from around the corner. I slid up against the wall so I could hear and realized with a jolt who she was talking to.
“I can’t… Lily was saying in a quiet voice. “I can’t deal with this. Not now… not tonight.”
“I just… wanted to see you,” Severus Snape said in a low voice.
“You can’t keep doing this…” Lily said in a stern voice. “You messed up, Sev. And this time I can’t forgive you.”
The hall was quiet for a minute and I realized they must be talking about what happened in the dungeons. I listened harder.
“Look… I messed up too, Sev,” Lily said after a minute. “Everything you said… about me. It was… true. And I’m so sorry. If I had known… I don’t know, maybe I did know and just chose to ignore it.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Severus asked, his voice breaking.
“The same reason you didn’t say anything,” Lily replied. “I… you know how I feel, Sev. I couldn’t lose you… not that way.”
Know how I feel? How did she feel about Snape? She couldn’t feel that way about him… it was impossible. Who could love a slimy git like him?
“You wouldn’t have lost me…” Snape mumbled quietly.
“I have lost you now, though,” Lily said, an edge of despair to her voice that sent shivers through me. I couldn’t bear the anguish in her voice… I wanted to fix it.
“That doesn’t have to be true,” Severus argued desperately.
“You know it does, Severus,” Lily said sternly. “We can’t do this anymore… maybe it was easier when we were kids but… we’re not kids anymore. I’m tired. And you’re changing, I’m changing. We’ve got to stop this before one of us gets hurt again. I can’t let what you did to James happen to anyone else…”
“So what, you going to date Potter now? Become an Auror and stand in the way of Lord Voldemort?” Snape scoffed cruelly and I heard Lily huff impatiently. She was probably rolling her eyes at the mention of dating me, but I couldn’t ignore the feeling that swelled in my stomach at the notion.
“I’m going to stand for what I think is right,” Lily clarified, her voice growing stronger. “If that means standing up to Voldemort, then so be it. Anything’s better than becoming a Death Eater.”
“I’m just doing what I think is right,” Snape snapped back at her. “The Dark Lord… some of his ideas aren’t so bad, you know. ”
“Torturing Muggles isn’t so bad?” Lily hissed at him incredulously. “Tell me, Sev. What will happen if Voldemort asks you to go after my parents? Could you murder them, just because they haven’t any magical power? Could you murder me? Because of where I come from? Because it’s something that I can’t help?”
“That would never happen,” Severus growled stubbornly and I could practically hear Lily grind her teeth.
“I can’t argue with you anymore,” Lily said after a tense moment of silence. “I have to go.”
“Lily, please—“
“No.” Lily said harshly. “It’s my birthday, Severus. I just want to be happy. And if I stay here any longer, it’s going to ruin the best birthday I’ve ever had.”
“Fine, whatever,” Snape said shortly after a pause. His voice was hard and cold now, as if he decided that it would be easier to walk away from Lily if he pretended to hate her. I couldn’t blame him for that…
“Sev… I—I’m sorry,” Lily stuttered, her voice almost breaking on the last word.
“Yeah… me too,” Snape said a little less coldly.
There was a silence broken only by the sound of footsteps fading down the corridor and I knew that Snape had gone.
I felt awkward, pressed up against the wall. I knew if Lily were to find me standing here she’d yell at me for about five years, but I couldn’t bring myself to move yet.
After a moment of deliberation I finally pushed myself away from the wall and rounded the corner slowly, intending to pretend that I had just come looking for her.
I stopped when I saw her standing there, looking at the place where Snape had presumably been standing.
“Lily?” I asked tentatively and she jumped at my voice, hastily wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her dress.
“Oh, James!” She turned, putting a false smile on her face. “I just stepped out to get some fresh air.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Was she really going to pretend that none of that had happened?
“It’s a great party, really,” Lily continued when I continued to stay at her. “I can’t believe how many people turned up. And the decorations are amazing, did Remus make that banner? Where on earth did you get all the food? And the—“
“Stop,” I finally said when she continued to babble. She snapped her mouth shut, the smile fading from her face.
“You heard,” Lily conceded, all pretenses of happiness vanishing from her.
I nodded slowly and Lily blinked, tears twinkling in the corners of her eyes. Her bottom lip quivered slightly, her tear-filled eyes flashing briefly to my face and I clenched my jaw. I knew that look. She was trying hard not to break.
“It’ll be ok, Lily,” I said quietly in what I hoped what a soothing voice though I couldn’t hide the bite of annoyance I felt towards her. Why did she have to do this to me? I could be perfectly happy with Carly right now if it weren’t for her… standing here, being infuriatingly irresistible. She’s crying, for goodness’s sake, over Severus Snape, and I still can’t think about anything but how the light from the candles on the wall is catching her eyes just the right way, how it makes her hair looks even more red…
Lily’s eyes flicked to me again, a single tear escaping her lashes and running down her cheek. Without thinking, I reached out and caught it with my thumb, wiping it away. My fingers tingled slightly at the touch of her soft skin, but Lily pulled her face away from my hand quickly, brushing her own hand across her cheeks as more tears spilled over.
I frowned at her as she took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. I didn’t understand how she could do it. She had just ended her friendship with Snape and while I may not quite understand the relationship they had, I knew they were good enough friends that this can’t be easy for her…
“You don’t always have to be so strong all the time, you know,” I shook my head as she let out yet another deep breath. She let her breath run out as her eyes slowly rose to meet mine.
“Yes, I do,” she said steadily, her eyes hardening in determination.
“No,” I contradicted in a soft voice. “ You don’t.”
Lily swallowed, keeping her eyes on me, and then took a tentative step forward. Before I even had time to react, she had her arms around me, her face pressed tightly into my chest.
I felt my breath escape me at her sudden touch and it was a few seconds before I was able to gather my thoughts enough to carefully lace my arms around her back, scared that too much touching might finally cause me to snap and fall head over heels in love with the damn girl. What the bloody hell was she doing to me? She had to know the effect she had on me…
Lily tightened her arms around me as I felt her shake slightly with the tears she had been trying so hard to hold back. I let out a resigned sigh, trying to resist the unbearable temptation I had to run my fingers through her hair and brush it away from her face like I had done at her house in December. Merlin, that seemed like ages ago…
“I’m s-sorry,” Lily stuttered, pulling away from me after another agonizing minute. “I should b-be happy. It’s my birthday.”
Lily wiped her eyes on her sleeve again and took a deep breath to calm herself. I stared at her incredulously, wondering again how on earth she was able to pull herself together so quickly.
“It’s just…harder than I thought it would be, losing him,” Lily said quietly, looking down at her shoes. “I… I d-didn’t expect it to hurt this much. And I thought what happened with Alex was bad…”
“What happened with Alex?” I couldn’t help but ask, and of course she didn’t answer me. I was starting to doubt that I would ever find out what went wrong there.
“I’m sorry, I—I’ve got to get back,” Lily sent me a small smile and before I could stop her, she was halfway down the corridor.
I stared after her a minute, completely overwhelmed with everything going on inside my head. I couldn’t ignore the multitude of emotions I felt. The dizzying effect that Lily had on me anymore, the relief that she was no longer friends with Snape, the confusion (still) about what happened with Alex.
Every time she mentioned Alex, it was like driving a knife deeper into the wound. She must have really liked him if she was still upset about it… I remembered the beginning of the year when he had tried to get back together with her. Why had she said no? It was obvious she wanted to… so why hadn’t she? Was she simply scared? I wouldn’t put it past her…
But if it would make her happier to be with him, then wouldn’t she do it? I thought briefly about Carls and how Lily had gone through so much trouble to make sure she forgave me. Carls had said she did it because she knew how upset I was by it…
So couldn’t I do the same for her? If Lily had any feelings for me at all, surely she wouldn’t have gone to Carly. So maybe if I help her, it will prove once and for all that any feelings I have for her are just… just what? Non-existent? They definitely exist… but my feelings for Carly definitely exist, too. Maybe if Lily were in a relationship as well, these feelings would go away… and if it made her happy to be with Alex again, then I had to try, right?
Before I could talk myself out of it, I nodded resolutely to myself and hurried back to the common room. I squeezed my way through the crowd towards my dormitory and ran up the stairs to our room. I opened my trunk and hastily dug through it, searching for the object I knew was still in my dress robes pocket.
I pulled out the tiny owl necklace I’d accidentally taken from Lily’s house and slipped it into my pocket.
“Frisky witch, Prongs?” Sirius elbowed me in the ribs as I reappeared in the common room.
“I beg your pardon?” I laughed out of surprise and Sirius held up a drink as explanation.
“Frisky witch,” Sirius nodded, downing half the drink in one swallow. “One hell of a drink, let me tell you. I’m pretty sure it’s mostly whiskey.”
“Why’s it called a frisky witch?” I chuckled, gingerly taking a sip of the glass Sirius offered me.
He pointed behind me to where Amy Bones was happily snogging Max Lyndon, the seventh year beater for the Quidditch team.
“She’s had about three of these,” Sirius smiled mischievously and I rolled my eyes at him. “What are you up to? You don’t seem that drunk…”
“I will be soon, I promise,” I chuckled at his concern. “I’ve just got something to take care of real quick.”
“Alright, well hurry up,” Sirius grinned. “We’re bringing out the cake soon. Ten different flavors, all in one cake, can you believe it, Prongs? Merlin, I love those house elves.”
I slipped back out through the portrait hole into the hall and walked purposefully towards the Hufflepuff dormitory, wondering slightly if I’d run into someone who could tell me where I could find Alex Johnson.
Luck was on my side however, and as I approached the still life painting I knew guarded the entrance, a student stepped out from behind it.
“Johnson,” I called and the brown-haired boy turned around, frowning slightly when he recognized me. I hadn’t spoken five words to Alex before and it must have struck him as odd that I’d want to talk to him now.
Alex shoved his hands into his pockets as I came to a stop in front of him, a look of polite confusion on his face.
My fingers twisted around the necklace in my pockets and my brain screamed that this was a huge mistake. But I had to prove that I didn’t fancy Lily like that, I just had to. And if this made her happier, then that was all the more reason to do it.
“Can I have a word?” I asked, pulling out the necklace and holding it out to him.
Alex studied the necklace for a moment before recognition lit his eyes and he looked curiously up at me.
“I’m listening,” Alex finally said, a hint of a smile pulling up the corners of his mouth.
(Lily’s POV)
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up but…” Mary sniggered as we chatted in our dorm and then her face smoothed over into a look of vacancy, and put on a high, breathy voice. “I... I think I’m in love with James Potter!”
“Shut up,” I growled, scraping a handful of pillows and chucked it at her.
“Come on, Lils,” Mary chuckled, lowing the book. “Even without that mirror’s help you know you two are going to end up together. James could hardly keep his eyes off you the other night.”
Just the thought of my birthday party sent a lump into my throat. As for my conversation with Severus, it had been surprisingly easy to suppress that particular memory. That conversation aside, it had truly been the best birthday I’d ever had.
I couldn’t help but think of the way James had looked that night, the way he had looked at me… and the way he had brushed the tear from my cheek. The sensation his touch sent through me was almost too much to bear and I had to pull away before I got lost in it. And then, there was the way he held me, so timid and gentle and secure at the same time, like he was afraid to give in completely but still wanted to be there…
He knew me so well sometimes, it was unnerving. He knew I was at a breaking point, he could see it. And so he said what I needed to hear and let me pull myself together in my own way, just like he’d done back at my house in December. Merlin, that seemed like ages ago…
And yet, after our talk in the corridor I didn’t see him the rest of the night… I guess I should assume he went off with Carly, though that thought sent an unpleasant feeling into the pit of my stomach.
“It still doesn’t change the fact that James is with Carrington,” I reminded my friends acidly and they both frowned.
“Oh come off it, you know that’s not going to last,” Amy rolled her eyes, tossing her blond hair over one shoulder. “We’ve told you a million times that she’s just his deluded way of denying his feelings for you. Sooner or later he’s going to realize it, just like you did.”
“Yeah, but how long will it take him to realize it,” I said, not able to hide the note of worry in my voice, thinking of just how long it took me.
“Who says you have to wait?” Mary shrugged and I raised a quizzical eyebrow at her. “You could always just tell him.”
I let out a snort of laughter.
“No really,” Mary insisted leaning forward, a mischievous smile curving her lips. “What if you just… told him?”
“I think he’d run screaming in the other direction,” I chuckled, my stomach clenching at the just the thought of revealing my feelings for him. “Or he’d think I was joking.”
“I think it’s brilliant,” Amy said, sitting up straighter. “You can tell him at Slughorn’s Valentine’s party this weekend.”
“No,” I said flatly.
“Yes,” Ames and Mares said in unison.
“Come on, Lily,” Mary said, a little softer. “Do you really want to keep seeing him snogging Carrington’s face off in the corridors every day?”
“Touché,” I wrinkled my nose though I was still entirely unconvinced of this plan.
“And if it doesn’t work out with James,” Amy grinned, “Amos Diggory looked like he was about ready to sweep you off your feet at your party.”
“Oh, well as long as we have a plan,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes as Mary laughed. “I feel loads better already.
I was going to tell James Potter I fancied him.
No. Absolutely not.
But if he likes you too, it will be a good thing!
And if he doesn’t I’ll have to dig a very large hole and hide there for the rest of my life.
Just do it.
No!
“Lily?” Amy called over her shoulder from where she stood at the mirror. “Hand me my wand will you? I just found a loose thread on my dress…”
Without taking my eyes off the ceiling of Amy’s four-poster where I was laying flat on my back, I felt around beside me and my fingers closed around her wand. I lobbed it across the room and heard Amy cluck impatiently when she had to dive to catch it.
“Lily, get dressed,” Ames commanded me, eying me scornfully in the mirror.
“No,” I said stubbornly, crossing my arms. Ames let out a sigh of irritation but made no further attempt.
A dark shape appeared above me and as my eyes focused in the shadow I saw Mary’s face hovering inches over mine.
“Lily,” Mary said sweetly, but I could hear the undertone of a threat. “Get dressed, will you?”
“I don’t wanna,” I mumbled childishly.
“Please?” Mary batted her long eyelashes, unleashing the full persuasive powers on me.
I wavered.
“Fine,” I caved after a short staring contest with Mary. “But I’m not staying long.”
“That’s fine,” Amy shrugged, pulling her golden hair away from her face and securing it at the base of her neck. “Just as long as you tell James you fancy him before you leave.”
I growled under my breath as I pulled on the dark grey dress Mary supplied me with. Valentine’s colors clashed horribly with my hair, so there wasn’t much I could wear to this party.
“Sooo… know what you’re going to say to him?” Mary sidled up to me, helping me with the zipper I was struggling with.
“Yes,” I lied, running my fingers through my hair to make it lie flat.
“Good,” Mary spun me around. “You can practice on me.”
“Excuse me?” I asked skeptically as Mary just beamed at me.
“Pretend I’m James and just… tell me,” Mary said, leaning against her bedpost.
“I can’t pretend you’re James,” I blinked at her, hoping she saw just how ridiculous this was.
“Oh, right,” Mary shook her head. “I’ll make it easier for you.”
She flipped her head over and ran her hands through her hair haphazardly so that when she flipped back up her hair was sticking up in all different directions, a perfect imitation of James’s. It looked like she had just been involved in an explosion. She cleared her voice and arranged her face into a seductive pout.
“Hey Evans,” Mary said in a deep voice. Amy burst out laughing in the corner but Mares managed to keep a straight face. “I was… er, just playing Quidditch. Doesn’t my hair look sexy? Wanna go out with me?”
I snorted as Mary began strutting in what she probably thought was a manly way towards me, however it just ended up looking like she really needed the loo.
“So not helping,” I laughed as Mary’s composure finally cracked and she smiled.
“Give me a break, it’s hard being a dude!” Mary sniggered.
“I appreciate the help,” I grinned at her. “But I think I can handle this on my own.”
“If you say so,” Mary shrugged, smoothing her hair down again.
“Come on, we better go,” Amy said, checking her watch and we all headed down to Slughorn’s office, more and more butterflies gushing into my stomach with every step we took.
The inside of Slughorn’s office was like walking into an acid trip. The walls were dripping with ropes of pink and red flowers. Little paper hearts rained from the ceiling and a few fairies had been dressed up like cupids and were zooming around the room holding bows and arrows.
“I think I might vomit,” Mary wrinkled her nose as we settled ourselves at the table. I silently agreed, though for very different reasons. Students were still filtering in and I noticed with some annoyance that Alex had once again showed up. He caught my eye across the room and I quickly looked away. I hadn’t seen him since my run-in on the staircase where I ungracefully tore him a new one. I thought maybe I had finally gotten rid of him for good, but no luck. I promptly struck up a conversation with Mary and Ames and we were busy making fun of one of the fairies when I saw James and Carly enter the room hand in hand.
“Shit, he brought Carly,” I hissed at my friends and they both snuck glances in their direction.
“Maybe she’s part of the Slug Club now?” Mary shrugged. “I didn’t think we were allowed to bring guests to this one…”
“Don’t worry, Lils,” Amy squeezed my elbow. “You’ll get a chance to talk to him. If anything, there’s always the common room afterwards.”
“Right,” I muttered, still having my own doubts as to whether I would actually tell him tonight.
The dinner was the usual long, stuffy event in which Slughorn bragged about all of his former students accomplishments. We all listened politely as he introduced his newest find, a fifth year Ravenclaw whose mother has tea with the Minister of Magic every Wednesday. How bloody fantastic for her…
My eyes wandered around the table, resting first on James and Carly who were whispering to each other quietly. Ugh, why did he have to bring her? Not that I had anything against Carly… well, except that she was dating the boy I fancied. It would be so much easier if she were a bitch and I could just hate her like I wanted to. My stomach clenched uncomfortably with nerves and I looked away, my gaze drifting down the table.
Alex caught my attention again. He was staring at me with a strange look on his face. I was surprised he had the audacity to stare at me like that, especially since I was under the impression I had left quite a dent in his ego during my angry stage the other week.
“Mares,” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth as I looked down to my food. “Is Alex still staring at me?”
Mary turned her head slightly, her eyes quickly sweeping the table.
“Yeah,” she said, sounding just as perplexed as I felt. “But it’s not a normal stare… it’s like he’s trying to figure something about you out. I can’t explain it… it’s weird.”
“I wonder what that’s all about?” I muttered, only half interested. I was more preoccupied with what I would say to James.
Drinks followed dinner and we were able to wander about the room, trying to avoid the fairies now pelting us with arrows, cackling wickedly every time they hit someone.
“Look,” Amy grabbed my arm, nearly spilling my drink all over myself. “Carly’s leaving. Probably just going to the loo or something, but there’s your chance.”
I looked over quickly to see Carly heading towards the door, and James’s eyes scanned the room for Sirius.
“I can’t do it with everyone around,” I panicked, my hands beginning to shake.
“It’ll be fine,” Mary insisted. “No one will be listening and then if it backfires you’ll have us to come back to.”
“Good point,” I muttered. I took a deep breath and tugged on a piece of my hair. “Alright, here I go.”
I made my way across the room towards James, my stomach performing acrobatics inside me.
“Hey,” I said in what I hoped was a casual voice as I came to a stop in front of James.
“Hey yourself,” James grinned at me, his eyes sweeping over me. “Enjoying the party?”
“I guess,” I shrugged, captivated by the way the red paper hearts falling from the ceiling reflected in James’s eyes.
“Have you been hit with an arrow yet?” James brandished a small red arrow at me. “Those things bloody hurt!”
“No, I haven’t,” I smiled, feeling a little more at ease. “Listen, there’s something—“
“Lily?” a voice interrupted me and James and I both looked over to see Alex standing there.
I stared at him and I was sure he could see the hatred emanating from my eyes for interrupting me.
“Can I… er, have a word?” Alex asked, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I said through my teeth, gesturing to James.
“No, no. Go on,” James said quickly. “I think I see Carls anyways. Go on, talk.”
I stared at him blankly as he backed away from us and disappeared into the crowd. What the bloody hell was that about? He knew how much I hated Alex, why would he leave me here with him? What was he playing at?
I turned slowly back to Alex, bracing myself for whatever he was about to say.
“Look,” Alex said slowly as I glared at him with my arms crossed. “I know you kind of hate me—”
“Understatement of the century,” I muttered but Alex ignored me.
“But will you please just listen to what I have to say?” Alex asked, and I was surprised that I found sincerity in his dark eyes.
“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?” I asked coldly, not entirely convinced.
“Look, I’m just—I’m sorry, alright?” Alex said exasperatedly. “Really, I’m so, so sorry.”
“You’re… sorry?” I asked, frowning. I’d heard him say sorry before, but he had never said it like that before… like he actually meant it.
“What you said to me the other week… well, it kind of got to me,” Alex frowned. “You were right, what happened with us was completely my fault. I tried to blame it on you, but the fact is I screwed up and… well, I don’t think I gave you the chance you deserved.”
“No, you didn’t,” I agreed, my resolve wavering. What brought this on?
“And I also shouldn’t have kept bringing it up to you. So… I thought, maybe if you could forgive me,” Alex said slowly, “Maybe we could give this another go. Properly this time.”
I gaped at him. And here I thought he was being sincere and then he goes and asks me out again.
“WHAT?!” I shrieked after a slight pause. He’s kidding, right? Seriously?
The room fell silent at my outburst and heads turned in my direction, but I just shook my head, waving them off. I saw James out of the corner of my eye craning his neck to see us through the crowd. Nosy git, what’s he playing at?
“Lily, hear me out,” Alex said quietly, pulling me into a secluded corner of the room as everyone went back to their own conversations. “You remember how much fun we had last year? How easy it was to be with each other? Don’t you miss sneaking around, snogging behind the owlery?”
“Yeah, well you were also sneaking around with Katie Bishop,” I reminded him quietly, glancing around to make sure no one heard.
“Yes, and I’m sorry,” Alex insisted, his brown eyes wide with sincerity. “I think if we could just start fresh… I mean, you’ve changed so much and I see that now, just how amazing you are. I won’t take it for granted again.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. As honest and genuine as he sounded, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else behind this.
“No,” I said resolutely, shaking my head and Alex let out an exasperated sigh.
“Bloody hell,” he griped, running a hand through his hair. “For Merlin’s sake Potter said you’d want to get back together.”
I froze.
“I’m sorry… Potter said… what?” I asked him blankly, desperately hoping I had misheard him.
Alex hesitated, his eyes sweeping around the room. I followed his gaze to find James and Celia talking on the other side of the room.
“Look, Potter came to talk to me the other night… about you. He said you missed me,” Alex leaned forward to say quietly, a hint of self-satisfaction in his voice. “I mean, I told him that you didn’t seem all that keen on me anymore, since you kept yelling at me and all that. He said that’s just how you are… that he thought you were just scared. He said you’d want to get back together. Can’t blame you actually, it was only a matter of time…”
“Is this a… joke?” I frowned, my body going oddly numb. I was in a state of utter disbelief. This couldn’t be happening.
“No,” Alex shrugged. “Look, I actually do think we should give this another go, regardless of what Potter said.”
I was lost for words, staring blankly at Alex.
Alex suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled something out, holding it out to me.
“Here, this is for you,” Alex said, dropping the necklace into my palm. I stared at the necklace, and it took me a moment recognize the small bronze owl that hung from the thin chain.
“You’ve already given me a necklace just like this….”I trailed off as I stared at it, my mind suddenly exploding with understanding. I didn’t just have a necklace like that, that was the necklace I had. It had been in my desk at home… the desk I’d found James rummaging through back in December.
“James… gave this to you, didn’t he?” I asked quietly and Alex nodded.
“Come on, Lils,” Alex said, stepping forward and wrapping his hand around mine, our fingers closing around the necklace. “Forget about Potter, alright? Just say you forgive me and we can start over.”
I wrenched my hand from his violently, taking a step back.
“I’ll never forgive you for sleeping with her,” I hissed at him, tossing the necklace at him. “Keep it, I don’t want any reminders.”
“Lily! Wait!” Alex called after me as I turned and strode away from him.
“No!” I wheeled around to him, not even caring that some of the students around us were now watching. “When are you going to get it through your thick skull that I want nothing to do with you anymore? You’d have to be an idiot to think otherwise.”
“God, you know what?” Alex rolled his eyes infuriatingly at me. “I actually thought maybe you had changed. But you’re still just the same stuck-up, uptight, know-it-all girl that I broke up with in the first place. It’s not wonder I chea—“
SMACK!
I froze, my hand still raised in the air, my fingers tingling with the force I’d just put into the action. The sound echoed around the now silent room and I could feel everyone’s eyes on Alex and I, my hand still frozen in the air and Alex clutching at his face as an angry red handprint blossomed across his cheek.
“If you ever come near me again, or say anything to me ever again,” I said slowly and clearly so I was sure he wouldn’t mishear me. “I won’t even hesitate before hexing you so bad your own mother won’t even recognize you, you impertinent, repulsive, vile, beetle-headed, common-kissing, wart-necked bastard!”
There was a beat of silence in the room interrupted by a whoop from Mary and suddenly the whole room was full of laughter and cheers. I gave Alex one last scornful look and backed away from him. I turned to find Mary and Ames grinning widely at me and I grimaced.
“I used too many adjectives, didn’t I?” I frowned, replaying my final insult in my head.
“No,” Mary shook her head, eyeing me with deep admiration. “That was absolutely brilliant!”
As satisfying as slapping Alex had been, my mind was now preoccupied with a much bigger problem. James Potter was going to pay for what he’d done. This time, he’d gone too far.
“So that was great and all, but why on earth were you even talking to Alex? Weren’t you supposed to be talking to James?” I heard Amy ask me as I searched the room for my new target. .
“I’m about to,” I said through gritted teeth as I spotted James talking to Carly across the room. I heard Ames and Mares follow me, though I paid them no attention anymore.
“James,” I said, putting on a sickly sweet voice. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Er… yes?” James said, slightly wary of the dangerous smile plastered on my face. I almost felt bad for him, he was completely unaware that I was about to obliterate him. He handed Carly his drink and followed me out into the hall.
“Maybe we shouldn’t follow,” I heard Amy say quietly to Mares and I snapped my head towards them.
“No, stay,” I said sharply. “It’s probably better if there are witnesses.”
“W-witnesses?” James repeated, now looking slightly concerned.
I didn’t respond but made sure the door to Slughorn’s office was securely closed before I rounded on him. Even through my anger, I couldn’t help but think of how often I found myself confronting James in this very spot. How this was where he had agreed to come with me that weekend in December to see my dad, how this was where he had kissed me under the love potion… and now this was where I had to put an end to things once and for all.
“How could you?” I said in a low, dangerous voice, staring at him.
“What?” James asked, now looking slightly worried as he glanced to Amy and Mary for answers. They just shrugged, as unaware as he was of why I was so mad.
“How could you tell him that I wanted him back?” I asked, my voice thick as I tried to hold back angry tears. I felt so betrayed… beyond betrayed. I was heartbroken.
James’s eyes widened with understanding, though Amy and Mary still looked confused.
“I… I thought—“ James started but I cut him off.
“How could you do that? To me?” I choked out, now letting the tears run freely. “If this was your idea of a joke… that was hitting below the belt.”
“Lily,” James held out his hands in apology. “Honest to Godric, I thought… I thought you wanted him back. You were always so sad whenever we mentioned him and I just assumed—“
“Why on earth would I want him back?” I shrieked at him, and I saw Amy and Mary exchange a wary look, comprehension dawning on their faces. “After what he did?”
“What did he do?” James asked in an exasperated voice, raking his hands through his hair.
“None of your damn business,” I snapped angrily, my eyes flashing dangerously. “And what’s even worse is that you’d been planning this since December! You took that necklace… and all along… And here I was about to tell you that I…that I—“
“Lily,” Mary interjected my stuttering softly, taking a careful step towards me. “Maybe we should go…. You don’t want to say anything you'll regret.” I could feel her giving me a meaningful look and I read the meaning behind her words. She was right…
I glared at James, anger still coursing through me and took a deep breath to steady myself.
“Yeah,” I agreed with her shortly as she reached out to loop her arm supportively through mine.
“Lily, please… just—“ James started, taking a step towards me.
“Save it,” I snarled cruelly at him, as Amy took my other arm and we set of off towards the Gryffindor common room leaving James staring after us, at a loss for words. I knew I was being slightly unfair to him, not telling him why Alex was such a sore spot with me. But he was unfair to assume that my being sad had anything to do with me wanting him back. It was preposterous. Completely mental. Actually, I was miserable more than I was angry at him.
“Lily… what happened?” Mary asked carefully when we were out of earshot of James.
“He…he told Alex I wanted to get back together,” I said in a shaky voice, slightly in shock of what just happened. I covered my mouth with my hand as tears started to spill.
“He did what?!” Amy practically shrieked and I felt a surge of appreciation for just how good of friends Ames and Mares were.
“I just, I don’t know why he did it…” I said quietly, thoughts racing at a mile a minute through my head. And to think, I had been just about to tell him how I felt about him…
“Maybe Sirius knows…” Mary mused to herself and I could tell she was already planning on asking him and getting to the bottom of it.
We climbed through the portrait hole and went straight up to our room, getting ready for bed in silence, all of us completely baffled by the night’s events.
“Do… do you think you’ll still tell him? You know, how you feel?” Amy asked tentatively, sitting on the end of my bed.
“What’s to tell?” I asked hoarsely. “Mary’s right… I shouldn’t say anything I don’t mean.”
“But… what does that mean?” Amy asked quietly, her voice full of dread and disappointment.
“It means I don’t think I could tell him that I love him… and still mean it,” I said sadly, laying my head on Mary’s lap. She absentmindedly stroked my hair, her eyes focused on something distant and a frown turning down the corners of her lips.
“So what are you going to do?” Amy asked, her fingers playing with the fringe of my blanket.
“I don’t know…” I admitted as Mary looked down at me. “I think… maybe, I should—I don’t know, just try and forget about it. Get over it, you know? I think after tonight, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t feel that way about me.”
Mary and Ames exchanged a look loaded with as much confusion and frustration as I felt.
“I think that might be a good idea,” Mary said finally and I was kind of surprised she wasn’t telling me to stick it out, that James really did have feelings for me.
Amy nodded in agreement and a kind of hopelessness overwhelmed me. If even my friends were giving up on the idea of James and I, then maybe it was time to throw in the towel already.
The rest of February flew by in a haze of classes, homework, and the occasional attempted reconciliation by James Potter. But I wouldn’t listen to anything he said— I couldn’t listen to anything he said. My relationship with him had reached an all-time low. If you could even call it a relationship anymore.
I sat next to Sirius in the common room one late Saturday night. Mary and Ames were fast asleep and I wanted to talk to someone, preferably a boy.
I had taken the opportunity to fill Sirius in on everything that had happened from my point of view and remembering that Sirius already knew of my feelings for Potter, I begrudgingly told him about what I’d seen in the mirror as well. That was especially hard to admit to, considering the events that had recently transpired between us.
“So, er… James asked about you again today,” Sirius commented in what he must have thought was a casual voice. My insides constricted at the thought of him.
“Bully for him,” I grumbled. I didn’t want to know anything more about James Potter know.
“Lily, I really wish you’d talk to him,” Sirius said quietly and I rolled my eyes. This wasn’t the first time since Valentine’s Day that Sirius had made this request.
“I have nothing to say to him,” I gave my usual response. I knew Sirius (as well as the other Marauders) was growing aggravated with the pair of us but I didn’t care.
“Let me ask you something,” Sirius turned towards me with a grave expression on his face. “Back in January… why did you talk to Carly? Why did you ask her to give James a second chance?”
“Because she was mad at him because of me,” I replied automatically. “I didn’t want her thinking he’d cheated on her.”
“Ok,” Sirius nodded. “Not how about the real reason you told her?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I sniffed, crossing my arms.
“Yes you do,” Sirius contradicted me. “You did it to make James happy. Because you care about him. I’ve seen your face when James was yelling in pain.” I drew a sharp breath at the memory. “Maybe you did it to spare Carly’s feelings and that’s all well and good, but you cared so much about James that you wanted to set things right for him, even if it hurt you in the process. It can’t have been easy, telling Carly that James only liked her, that that kiss in the dungeons meant nothing…”
I blinked. “I… suppose that’s about right.”
“So now tell me this,” Sirius continued. “Why do you think James went to Alex?”
“Because he’s an evil git who wants to make sure I’m as miserable as possible,” I snarled and Sirius let out an impatient sigh.
“Or,” He continued, pretending like he hadn’t heard a word of what I just said. “He absolutely hated seeing how gutted you were anytime someone mentioned Alex and thought he could make you happier if you were back together with him. Lily, what if he genuinely thought that would make you happy, no matter how much it hurt for him to do? Could you really be mad at him for that?”
I swallowed hard, not wanting to believe Sirius’s words. I just wanted to be mad at James, was that so hard?
“James doesn’t care about me like that,” I said stubbornly. “It was probably nothing at all for him to go to Alex.”
“Perhaps,” Sirius shrugged. “Though if he cared nothing for you, he wouldn’t have nicked that lion statue off McGonagall’s desk and spent a solid month trying to get it to come alive. He wouldn’t have spent hours planning your birthday party and making sure everything was just right. And he wouldn’t have gone to Alex unless he really thought it would make you happy.”
“Well, that’s just dandy for him,” I said quietly, staring at my hands. “But if he likes me so much, why is he still dating Carly?”
“I’m sure you’ve heard our theories a million times by now,” Sirius chuckled. “I know you see the similarities between you and her. One day James is going to wake up realize it just like the rest of us. I think you should just tell him how you feel. His birthday’s this weekend, you know… its kind of perfect timing.”
“I’ve already tried to tell him, Sirius. Besides, I don’t think there’s anything to tell anymore,” I said stiffly. “I’ve moved on. I can’t keep wasting my time with someone who’s already in a relationship. It’s pointless and it’s painful and I’m done with it.”
After a while, I continued softly, “I don’t want to play anymore. The more you play, the more you care and the more you lose.”
“I don’t believe that,” Sirius scoffed impatiently. “You and James are never going to be done.”
“Well, believe it,” I countered exasperatedly. “Because I’ve already asked Amos Diggory to James’s party on Saturday.”
“You… you did?” Sirius’s resolve wavered.
“Yes, I did,” I said firmly, though Sirius’s words about James had affected me more than I wished they did. “Now can we please drop the subject?”
“Sure…” Sirius said in a distant voice, as if he hadn’t actually expected me to try and date anyone else.
“As long as we’re being blunt and honest with each other, can I ask you something?” I said, the frustration not entirely gone from my voice yet.
“Fire away,” Sirius shrugged.
“Do you fancy Mary?” I blurted before I could stop myself.
“Me? F-fancy Mary?” Sirius stuttered, taken aback by my question. “N-no way. Absolutely not… I mean, s-she’s my friend, isn’t she? It would be weird. We-we’re just friends.”
“Ok,” I shrugged, not buying a word of it. “Now how about the real answer?”
Sirius was silent for a moment, fuming that I’d caught him in his lie. Finally he looked over at me, glaring.
“If you tell her, I will cheerfully hex you to death,” he growled.
“I’m not going to tell her,” I promised. “I was just curious.”
“Then… yes, I suppose I do fancy her,” Sirius finally divulged and I felt myself grin. “I mean, how could I not? She’s… gorgeous. And smart, and she knows me better than almost anyone. I mean, there are some things she knows about me that even James doesn’t know. We grew up together… there’s a bond there that I can’t explain.”
“I understand,” I nodded, thinking idly of Severus. “So… why haven’t you told her?”
“Do you remember back in fourth year when Sam Beckett asked her to go to Hogsmeade with him?” Sirius asked and I frowned, vaguely remembering.
“She didn’t go with him though,” I recalled, not seeing where Sirius was going with this.
“That was because I hated Sam Beckett,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “And Mary knew that… that’s why she didn’t go with him. And when I asked her about it she told me our friendship meant too much to her to jeopardize it with a silly date. So I’m pretty sure my asking her out would be a direct violation of that…”
“Sirius,” I said, staring at him intently. “That was almost three years ago. A lot has changed since then—”
“Lily, she’s one of my best friends,” Sirius cut me off seriously. “If I told her, I could ruin everything. I don’t… want to lose her. Not like that.”
I bit my lip, the words I’d said to Severus at my birthday party coming back to haunt me in the most ironic way. The parallel of Sirius’s situation to mine and Severus’s was too strong for me to ignore. I guess I couldn’t blame Sirius for being scared of ruining what he had with Mary. But I knew for a fact that she cared for him that way too… only, I couldn’t tell him that without betraying Scarlet’s trust.
“Alright,” I said. ”Fair enough.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, staring up at the twinkling stars through the windows, both of us lost in our own thoughts. A trail of white blazed across the sky and I pointed to it.
“Shooting star! Make a wish,” I said, grinning sideways at Sirius who looked over at me with a thoughtful expression.
“You know, I read somewhere that when you wish on a star you’re actually a few million years late,” Sirius commented casually, “And that star is already dead.”
I let out a snort of laughter as Sirius smiled appreciatively.
Pounding music filled the Gryffindor common room once again, practically vibrating the walls. Most of the students were crowded around the drinks table but those who already had some occupied the makeshift dance floor. The Marauders had pushed all of the couches and chairs off to the side like they had done for my party and many of the same decorations were back up.
“Looks good, doesn’t it?” Mary said to me as we descended the stairs from our room.
“I guess,” I shrugged, not all that enthused by the idea of a party tonight.
“Are you okay being here?” Amy asked, looping her arm through mine. “We don’t have to stay you know… we could, erm… go to the library if you want?”
I couldn’t resist the smile that crept to my lips. It was a mark of how strong our friendship was that Mary and Ames would give up a Marauder party just for me.
“I’m fine,” I assured her. “Besides, Amos will be here soon.”
Amy and Mary exchanged a wary look, as if they didn’t quite approve of my bringing a date to James’s party, but why shouldn’t I?
“Oh, come on,” I sighed exasperatedly as their looks. “You’re the ones who told me to ask him.”
“Yeah, but… we didn’t think you actually would,” Mary snorted and I rolled my eyes.
“Look, I just… want to get through this night and interact with Potter as little as possible,” I shrugged as we made out way over to the drinks table.
“Uh oh, she’s calling him Potter again,” Amy said to Mary, who shook her head sadly.
“Well, what am I supposed to call him—Jamesie-poo?” I huffed as I poured myself a drink.
“Someone say my name?” A voice said behind us and we spun around to see the devil himself, his arm wound tightly around Carly’s waist. Eurgh, vomit.
James stared at me for a minute while I stared back, trying to compose my thoughts and form a coherent sentence.
“Er… happy birthday,” I said lamely. Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt bad that I hadn’t gotten James anything for his birthday. I’d had plenty of ideas back when we were on friendlier terms, but now…
“Thanks,” James gave me a small smile that I didn’t return. If I had thought being around him was hard before, it was nothing compared to now.
“So… are you guys enjoying the party?” Carly asked brightly, completely unaware of the tension between us.
Amy and Mary began talking about the drinks and decorations and my eyes drifted across the room towards the portrait hole where a tall sandy-haired boy had just entered.
Amos Diggory caught my eye through the crowd and made his way towards me, giving me a quick kiss on the check when he stopped in front of us. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, James’s hand tightened around Carly’s waste and a fleeting feeling of satisfaction washed through me.
Ames and Mary smiled warmly at Amos and I felt his fingers twist lightly together with mine.
“Want a drink?” I asked quickly, feeling Potter’s eyes on us and I wanted nothing more than to just get away from him.
“Sure,” Amos nodded as we excused ourselves to the drinks table.
“I’m glad you came tonight,” I said, watching Amos pour himself a drink and freshen mine up.
“I’m glad you asked me,” Amos smiled down at me and my breath caught in my throat a bit. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t a teenager anymore and the charming smiles of cute guys wouldn’t send me into fits of hysterics. But alas, I dream.
Amos and I wandered around the party for a bit, talking about inconsequential things like Herbology and N.E.W.T.s. I was enjoying how easy it was to talk to him. We didn’t fight, we didn’t try and out-do each other… it was just simple. Easy. A breath of fresh air after dealing with Potter for so long.
Sirius climbed on top of one of the tables and raised his glass in the air, waiting for the crowd of students to quiet down so he could make a toast.
“James,” Sirius said, nodding towards where James was standing with Carly. “You’re the best friend a bloke could ever ask for, and I’m so glad your parents got it on all those years ago. I’d be lost without you… Like, literally I’d probably still be stumbling around in the Forbidden Forest somewhere because you have a weirdly good sense of direction… So let’s all raise a toast in honor of this strapping young lad’s birthday! The best is yet to come, mate!”
Sirius raised his bottle and took a drink. Amos clinked his glass against mine and I absentmindedly took a drink. My eyes were fixed on James across the room and as I stared at him he lifted his eyes to catch my gaze. I wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to laugh and drink and have a good time with him. But as I watched, he pulled Carly closer to him, his eyes finally leaving mine just before he kissed her full on the lips.
I felt my stomach drop and looked away quickly, feeling slightly sick. I downed the rest of my drink in one gulp and heard Amos laugh next to me.
“Easy, killer,” he chuckled, taking a drink from his own glass.
“Sorry,” I smiled apologetically, refilling my drink quickly. “It’s just been a long week…”
“Apparently,” Amos laughed, his arm sliding casually around me and I was surprised that I didn’t mind in the least bit.
I glanced around the room again and saw James watching us out of the corner of his eye.
“Hey, I don’t really feel like being here anymore…” I said to Amos, turning towards him and speaking loud enough that James could here from where he stood. “Want to go somewhere quiet… to talk?”
“Sure,” Amos smiled as I slid my hand down to grasp his and started pulling him towards the door. I saw Mary and Sirius talking rather closely before I crawled through the portrait hole and sent Sirius a smile when he caught my eye. He smiled back at first and then his eyes followed my arm down to see I was holding onto Amos and the smile vanished from his face. I paid him no attention though; I had my own agenda.
I was going to get over James Potter once and for all.
Amos and I wandered down the corridors and finally I pulled him into an empty classroom. It wasn’t like before, back in October when we were still awkwardly on a friend-date. This was a real date, and he and I both knew what we wanted to happen.
Nothing was said as Amos lifted me to sit on one of the desks, standing in front of me with his hands resting on my knees. I leaned forward slightly, letting Amos meet me halfway. Our lips touched lightly and it was just like before when everything else in my life melted away and all I could focus on was the way his lips felt on mine.
I didn’t know what I had expected to happen; perhaps that snogging Amos in an empty classroom would drive James completely from my head. But instead it had the opposite effect. As Amos cradled my face in his hands all I could think about was that these weren’t James’s lips kissing mine, and they weren’t his hands touching my face, and the way Amos’s lips caressed mine was not the way James’s did…
And suddenly I felt like crying. Because I so desperately wished that it was James kissing me, and not Amos.
Don’t you see that what you need,
Is standing in front of you?
Then deep inside me, I knew it was James all along. Not Amos, definitely not Alex.
But James.
Just as I was about to break off the kiss, I heard the door to the classroom burst open. I pulled away from Amos quickly, glaring towards the door and whoever had interrupted us.
I froze when I saw James Potter standing there, looking inexplicably angry.
“Potter,” I snapped angrily at him, hoping he couldn’t see the unwanted tears began building up behind my eyes. I didn’t know why I was so angry now, maybe it was because he had just caught me in a pathetic attempt to get over him. “Do you mind?”
“I need to talk to you,” James said steadily, his eyes fixed on me.
“Not right now,” I said through my teeth. Amos looked bewildered, raising an eyebrow questioningly at me. Of course Amos wouldn’t know anything about what had been happening between James and I. I realized how strange this must have been for him.
“Yes, now,” James said vehemently and I frowned, wondering what on earth he had to say to me that was so urgent.
I hopped off the desk, straightening my shirt and running a hand through my hair, hoping that I didn’t look like a complete mess.
“I’ll meet you back in the common room,” I said quietly to Amos, hoping he could see the apology written on my face. He nodded and with one last bewildered look at James, disappeared through the door.
“What on earth are you playing at?” I burst at James when I was sure Amos was out of hearing distance.
“I could ask you the same question,” James said in a steady voice, but I could hear the frustration underneath.
“What does that even mean?” I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest. I could feel my heard pounding in my chest, beating faster and faster like an impending bomb. There was a kind of trepidation in the air that feeling like when you know something bad is about to happen….
“What are you doing, Lily?” James asked, narrowing his hazel eyes behind his glasses. “Sneaking around with some guy? That’s not you…”
“Oh, because you know me so well,” I rolled my eyes, hoping he caught the sarcasm, though he’d hit the nail on the head. Damn Potter, I hated that he knew me so well. The bomb in my chest thumped loudly. “I’m perfectly allowed to date anyone I want, you know. Just because it’s not the one you bribed to take me back doesn’t mean you can get all up in arms about it.”
“I didn’t bribe Alex,” James said in a quiet voice, his eyes not moving from my livid face. “And if you’d let me explain—“
“I am not interested in hearing about why you did what you did!” I cut him off, and he fell silent. I was sure he could hear my heart beating by now. It was steadily growing louder and louder, threatening to explode any moment now.
“You’ve been distant and ignoring me ever since then,” James burst angrily. “Why won’t you just tell me why?”
“Because I shouldn’t have to!” I retorted exasperatedly, raking my hands angrily through my hair. “I get it, James. Talking about Alex made me sad, and you knew that. But you thought it made me sad for the wrong reasons.”
“Then why don’t you just tell me what the real reason is already!” James growled.
“Because it’s none of your damn business!” I practically screamed, shoving myself away from the table and striding towards the door. “I don’t owe you any explanations!”
“Like hell you don’t,” James scoffed, taking a step sideways so that he was blocking the door.
“Move,” I growled at him but he remained blocking the door. The bomb in my chest thudded threateningly.
“Not until you tell me why you’ve been ignoring me,” James shook his head. “I know this isn’t just about Alex anymore. There’s something more.”
“Yes, there’s more!” I burst angrily, running my hands though my hair again, trying to hide how badly I was shaking now.
I could feel it coming, the explosion. There was no stopping it now.
Detonation in three…
“For Merlin’s sake, James!“
Two…
“I’ve been ignoring you because—“
One…
“I’m trying to get over you.”
The silence that followed my statement was profound.
“You… what?” James blinked, his guarded stance faltering slightly. I knew I should have been more horrified that I’d actually just said that, but it felt good to finally get it out.
“I’ve been trying to get over you, James,” I said again more steadily this time. My heart was hammering in my chest and I knew that I was about make my life infinitely worse, but I couldn’t stop the words rushing out of my mouth. “I just—I can’t ignore that what I feel for you is …more than what I should. So I can’t be around you. It hurts too much. You’re with Carly and that’s fine, but I just can’t—I need to get over you. And you’re not letting me.”
And with that I pushed past him out the door and strode down the corridor in the opposite direction of the Gryffindor common room. I couldn’t go back… not yet. Not after what I’d just said to him.
Everything Sirius had said to me about him, everything Ames and Mares and Sirius had been telling me for months finally all caught up to me… and it made me angry.
I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking and it was a few minutes before I heard his footsteps following behind me, but I didn’t slow down.
“Lily, wait!” I felt James’s fingers close around my arm as he pulled me to a stop at the bottom of a circular staircase in a rarely used part of the castle. There were huge arched windows looking over the grounds to our left, a cool March breeze blowing steadily through them.
I was pulled around to face James, hoping desperately that he wouldn’t notice the tears that were still building in my eyes.
“What do you mean, ‘get over me’?” James asked forcefully and I was taken aback by the venom in his voice… he sounded angry. “When did you bloody like me?”
“You’re mad?” I asked in disbelief, wrenching my arm out of grip.
“Of course I’m mad,” James growled. “You’ve been ignoring me for weeks and here I am thinking it’s all my fault and—and you should have just told me!”
“I tried to tell you,” I hissed at him. “And besides, you weren’t making things any easier, flaunting Carly around me all the time.”
“Leave Carly out of this,” James snapped bitterly. “She’s got nothing to do with this.”
“She’s got everything to do with this!” I shrieked at him hysterically, my voice echoing up the deserted staircase. “Gosh, James. How can you not see it?”
“See what?” James sneered at me, his lips pulling into a frown.
“She—she’s just like me, you idiot!” I yelled at him. “Everyone sees it. They’ve been telling me for months and I’ve been too stubborn or scared to admit it but they’re right and you should just admit it already, too.”
“Admit what?” James huffed obstinately and I stared at him incredulously.
“That you like me, James,” I said forcefully, believing it myself for the first time. “And it’s so damned obvious that I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.”
I finished talking and James and I stared at each other for an immeasurable amount of time, both of our breath coming in short bursts.
James’s jaw clenched as my words sunk in with him and I could see the gears turning behind his eyes as he continued to watch me.
“You’re right,” he said finally, and with one step he closed the distance between us, catching my face in his hands and pressing his lips feverishly to mine.
It was like that night in the dungeons all over again, except now it was consciously his decision and it made it a hundred times better. He was sure to remember this tomorrow.
I let my eyes close as his hands gently traced my jaw, his fingers twisting in my hair and sending shivers down my spine.
James broke off the kiss before I was ready for it, his forehead resting against mine as his cool breath caressed my face.
“Wait,” I breathed, tilting my face up to kiss him again. He didn’t object as my lips touched his, a kind of cool electricity flooding through my body as he kissed me back. I let my hands rest against his chest, my fingers grasping at his sweater as his thumbs continued to trace my jaw.
I pulled away after a breathless minute and James’s thumb slid down my jaw and over my lips as if he were trying to memorize them. I let him. I never wanted him to forget this moment.
After a quiet, breathless minute, his hands dropped from my face and slid down my arms but he didn’t hold my hands as I expected him to. Instead, he pushed himself slowly away from me, an unreadable expression on his face.
My brain was a pile of mush and I couldn’t string together a sentence so I just stared at him as he slowly frowned and closed his eyes.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, wincing slightly. I was about to argue that, but he ran his hands distractedly through his hair. “I really shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, I—I have to go.”
James backed away from me quickly and before I could tell him not to go, he had disappeared through a door to my right. I stared after him blankly, trying to make sense of what had just happened, but my mind was too fuzzy to do so.
I knew I should feel stung that James had taken off so quickly, but somewhere in my mind I knew he must have been feeling guilty about kissing me with Carly waiting for him back at his party.
Numbly, I made myself start walking back towards the common room, not really sure what would happen when I got back. I had completely forgotten about Amos by now and didn’t even know what I would say to my friends, let alone James.
The party was still in full swing when I stumbled through the portrait hole. James was nowhere to be seen, but I spotted Mary and Sirius standing by the fire. I ambled over to them, but stopped when I realized that they were yelling at each other.
“You’re not making any bloody sense!” Sirius was saying in an exasperated voice.
“I don’t have to make sense!” Mary fired back at him. “I’m a girl!”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to you when you’re like this,” Sirius shook his head, running his hands through his hair.
“Then don’t talk to me at all,” Mary snapped. “Why don’t you just go find what’s-her-name and talk to her? She seemed pretty willing.”
“You’re crazy,” Sirius exclaimed. “Absolutely off your rocker!”
Mares made no reply but just huffed, tossed her dark hair angrily and stomped away from Sirius. I saw her disappear up to the girls’ dormitory.
Sirius stared after her for a minute and then looked around to see me watching and marched over to me, pointing angrily at the staircase where Mary had disappeared.
“Your best friend is… completely insane!” Sirius exploded angrily, his silver eyes flashing.
“What happened?” I asked in a voice that sounded not like my own. I was still slightly dazed by my encounter with James, but Sirius and Mary’s fight pushed it temporarily to the back of my mind.
“I have no bloody idea!” Sirius shook his head, shrugging dramatically.
“Come on, it’s too crowded in here,” I grabbed Sirius’s sleeve and dragged him out into the corridor with me. I was half hoping to find James out here, but no luck. It was probably better that he wasn’t out here, I could still barely remember how to breathe properly.
“I swear to Godric,” Sirius was fuming as we walked slowly along the empty corridors. “We were just talking. I don’t even remember what we were talking about and that fifth year bird I went to Hogsmeade with ages ago came up and mentioned there was another Hogsmeade weekend coming up and suddenly Mary was yelling at me! She’s bloody mental!”
“Well, was the girl obviously flirting with you?” I asked, trying to make myself concentrate on Sirius and not on the way James’s lips had felt on mine. It still sent shivers through me thinking about it.
“I don’t know… I guess,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “But I totally blew her off! And Mary just started talking nonsense about me chasing every other girl in this school and it all just made no sense!”
“Right…” I said, nodding. “I just—I wish she would just say what she’s thinking already,” Sirius muttered, glancing over at me. He must have seen the distant look on my face because he frowned. “What’s up with you?”
“James and I had another row,” I said blandly.
“What about this time?” Sirius smirked. He seemed pleased that we were at least talking again.
“He caught me snogging Diggory,” I sighed.
“Atta girl,” Sirius chuckled and I glared at him.
“And then he yelled at me for a bit,” I explained in an oddly casual voice as if I were reciting my grocery list. “I yelled back and one thing lead to another and I told him I fancied him and that he fancied me and then he snogged me.”
Sirius stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me, his mouth slightly open.
“He snogged you?” Sirius asked incredulously. “He actually snogged you?”
I nodded. “And then he ran away.”
Sirius’s mouth twitched slightly and he began walking again.
“Well… that’s something,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “He just… ran away?”
“He said ‘I shouldn’t have done that… I have to go.’” I repeated his words. “And yeah, ran away.”
“That was all he said?” Sirius asked, frowning at me and I nodded. “Merlin, our lives would be so much easier if everyone just said what they were thinking, wouldn’t they?”
“Agreed,” I sighed and I slowed my pace. “Listen, I should probably go see if Mary’s alright… maybe, I don’t know, maybe I can figure out why she got so mad?”
Sirius nodded, “Yeah… I just need to walk for a bit, clear my head.”
I waved goodbye to him as he headed down the corridor and I slowly made my way back to the common room, pondering his words. I took the long way back, giving myself a good long time to think.
What would happen now? Would James break up with Carly to be with me? As much as I wanted that, I couldn’t see him actually doing it. Would he tell Carly what happened? I could only imagine the drama that would cause…
I slipped through the portrait hole and with still no sign of James, hurried up the stairs to my dorm. Mary had the hanging pulled tightly shut around her bed and I figured it would be best to wait and talk to her in the morning.
I pulled on my pajamas and slid under the covers, knowing it would be a long time before I was able to sleep. My mind kept replaying how James had kissed me over and over again and I idly reached a hand up to touch my lips, remembering how his had felt on mine.
She looked out the window,
He walked out the door.
She followed him and he asked:
Whatcha’ lookin’ for?
I’m looking for you, James. I answered myself. I’m looking for the day when everything can just be simple with you. The day when I can tell you it hurts the most when I hear you scream in pain. The day when I can finally have you.
She said…
I want something that I want.
Something that I tell myself I need.
And I need everything I see and I see something that I want.
I see, yeah…
You’re everything I see, James. Your unruly black hair, your hazel eyes and most of all, the fact that you’re breathing and I can smell you. Basically, the fact that you’re alive.
He’s been living in a pure illusion.
She’s going to come to her own conclusion.
Right when you think you know what to say,
Someone comes along and shows you a brand new way…
We took so much time to realize all of this. James, you’ve been living in this dream that you love Carly, not me. I’ve been telling myself everything’s just in my head. But in the end, it was me that first came to the truth. I told you and you gave me a surprise.
I want something that I want.
Something that I tell myself I need.
And I need everything I see ‘cause it’s so easy to make-believe, it seems you’re living in a dream.
Don’t you see that what you need,
Is standing in front of you?
I do need you, James. Everything. But for most of the time, I’ve practically been making it up. But now I know, you really are what I need. You’ve been standing in front of me ever since the first time I saw you on the Hogwarts Express. And I couldn’t see it until six years later.
James, I think I know where I'm going now. And I think you know your answer too.
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