Mr Mooney

Hey guys, I won’t be able to blog for a bit since loads of tests and deadlines are hot on my heels. Eurgh, school really stinks nowadays. I’m really looking forward to the Easter holidays! (: P.S. I have three days off at the end of March because of the public exam that’s taking place at school! I can go visit SIS on the 28^th and go to the Sports Day on the 30^th! SUPER PSHYCHED!

Okay, confession time. I did have a big crush on someone before. And I just made the worse mistake ever of not even telling him and just letting him slip through my fingers.

When he was still around, I would be so glad to just see him. Just talking to him about everyday or even pointless stuff satisfied me a lot. If we had occasional rows, it was worth it.

Then each night, the moment before I fall asleep, I would make up fantasies in my mind about us. Fantasies that I love and wished with all my heart for them to happen.

At the same time, I hated those fantasies. It was merely the fact that they were fantasies. They weren’t real. They got my hopes up. They just got me fooled. Tricked. Played with. Now, I can tell the truth from lies easily. I can lie to anyone. (But I don’t and most of the time, can’t, lie to my friends unless absolutely necessary)

That’s my weak point: Sometimes, I lie too well. Especially to myself. I told myself that I would have all the time in the world to slowly pluck up my courage and tell him that I liked him. That he was never going to leave. I wove this excellent fabric of lies around me, they blinded me and while I was just immersed in my happy little universe, he left. Gone. Nothing.

I never forgot him after that. He was always on my mind, after a couple of years, he was still there. Sure, I had a few small little crushes here and there but I’d get over them in a few days. And whenever I had those tiny crushes, I’d feel guilty. I’d remember him and feel sad that he wasn’t those small, tiny crushes. They were just substitutes. So I was lying to myself again. I lied to myself that he was there, physically when he was only living in my head and memories. See, he was the only person on this planet that I really wanted. Who I really liked from the bottom of my heart.

Then when I look back, I realized that it was highly impossible that he’d ever see me more than just a close friend. It was ridiculous that he could ever like me. It would be heaven denied that he could actually stop to wonder if we could be anything more.

After he left, other people started to crush on me (outside and inside school). They would be like how I imagined him to be like in my daydreams. They actually put in effort to get to me.

So the guy, who I really wanted, was the guy who never chased after me.

That’s another reason why I love James and Lily so much. I can relate to them.

I was James and he was Lily.

The only difference? We never happened. Not even for a single moment.