Love-drunk lies

I didn’t want to wake up.

Waking up meant facing everything that happened last night. And too many things happened last night.

What would I say to James? All the walls had been down between us. He had seen me at my worst and what’s more, he somehow managed to pull me out of it. So what would I say to him now?

Tentatively I opened my eyes, expecting to see James lying next to me but my bed was empty. I sat up quickly, ignoring the violent head rush that came with the action. My eyes scanned the room but there was still no sign of him.

Did he take off sometime during the night? Maybe I really had pushed him too far last night and he decided that he just couldn’t stand to be around me anymore. I wouldn’t blame him… I was absolutely horrible to him.

I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and wiped the sleep out of my eyes. The wooden floor was cold on my bare feet but I didn’t care. I hurried down the ladder to the main floor, barely letting myself hope that James was still around somewhere.

And for that matter, why did I hope that he was still around somewhere? It wasn’t like all of a sudden we were best friends. Things had changed, but not that much.

I peeked around the corner into the kitchen but it was empty. So was the living room.

He was gone. He had actually left.

I couldn’t help the sinking feeling that flooded through me, though I tried to tell myself that it really didn’t matter whether he was here or not. I’d go back to school tonight and we could pretend like this whole weekend never happened. And everything would go back to normal.

The door to the flower shop burst open suddenly, interrupting my thoughts and James strode through, carrying a paper sack and balancing two cups in his hand.

“Morning, sunshine,” James smiled brightly at me as he set the cups and the bag down on the kitchen table. “I got breakfast.”

“You… breakfast?” I asked incoherently as I watched James pull out a box of donuts from the paper bag.

“And coffee,” James said grabbing one of the cups and holding it out to me. “Sorry, I didn’t wake you. I figured you could use some sleep after last night.”

“I…er, thanks,” I stuttered, taking the coffee from his hand. I stared at him as he opened the box of donuts and shoved two in his mouth. My, how attractive.

“Where’d you get the money for this?” I asked, realizing that none of the bakeries in York were bound to take galleons and sickles as payment.

“Petunia left us some money for it when she went out this morning,” James shrugged and I gaped at him.

“She did?” I choked incredulously.

“Well,” James smiled sheepishly at me. “She left it in a jar in the top drawer of her dresser… I figured she meant for us to have it, or else she would have hidden it better.”

I let out a small laugh at the thought of James stealing some of my sister’s money. There was something very satisfying about it.

I grabbed one of the donuts from the box and bit into it, turning it over in my fingers.

“You alright?” James asked after a moment of me idly playing with my food.

“I just… I thought you’d gone, you know, when I woke up and you weren’t here. I thought you’d gone back to school or something…” I muttered before taking a sip of coffee. I let the warm aroma of hazelnut from the coffee swirl around me, intoxicating me with its comforting smell. I looked up to see James staring at me strangely and quickly dropped my eyes.

“Were you worried?” James asked and I could hear a hint of amusement in his voice.

“I wasn’t worried,” I objected quickly. “I just… figured you would have left a note or something. But you’re here now so it doesn’t matter.”

“You were worried,” James smiled smugly, his voice seeping with satisfaction.

I glared at him dangerously as I took a rather violent bite of my donut and he dropped the smile from his face quickly.

“So you’re parents are putting us to work today?” James asked conversationally after we finished eating while I cleared the table.

“We don’t have to stay open for very long,” I frowned, realizing that working in a flower shop was probably not his ideal way to spend a Saturday.

“No, it’s ok,” James reassured me. “Just go about your day as usual. I’m kind of interested to see what a day in the life of Lily Evans is like.”

“You are not,” I snorted, rolling my eyes and I walked down the narrow hall towards my ladder.

“No really,” James insisted, following behind me. “Now that I’ve realized you’re not just some crazy-smart robot witch, I’m kind of interested in seeing what you’re life is really like.”

“Excuse me, but robot witch?” I giggled, glancing down at him as I climbed up the ladder. “And since when are you so interested in my life? Up until last night you practically hated me… you still might, as a matter of fact.”

“I told you before, I never hated you. I just didn’t understand you. And, well, after last night I think I understand you a bit more. Seeing where you live and your family… It’s kind of an eye-opener, I’ll say that,” James shrugged. “It’s all just very different than my life.”

“Well, not all of us can live in mansions,” I said pointedly as I pulled some clothes out of my dresser.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” James frowned.

“No, I get it,” I nodded, hugging my clothes against my chest as I turned to face him. “You grew up knowing all about magic and Hogwarts and I grew up learning different flowers and thinking I’d go on to major in biology in school. Completely fascinating, right?”

“What’s biology?” James cocked his head to the side, a crease forming between his hazel eyes.

“Not important,” I sighed, shaking my head. “Turn around, I need to change.”

James rolled his eyes but obliged, turning his back to me while I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a jumper.

I glanced in the mirror again, smoothing down my hair from the static off my beige jumper. Behind my reflection I saw James peek over his shoulder towards me and I gave him a withering glare.

“Sorry,” he shrugged unapologetically. “I’m a guy, I can’t help it.”

“You’re such a git,” I rolled my eyes at him and marched past him towards the ladder. “Come on, we’ve got flowers to tend to.”

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

“What are these?” James asked for the hundredth time, walking absurdly close behind me as I gave all the flowers in the shop some water.

“Freesia,” I sighed as he pointed at the small, white flowers I was currently watering.

“And these ones?”

“Delphiniums,” I said wearily, moving on to the next row of flowers while James stopped following me and instead ran from flower to flower like a kid in a candy shop.

“What about this one?”

“I’ve already told you that one,” I muttered irritably. Seriously, was he a four-year-old?

“This one, then?”

“Will you stop already?” I flashed him an annoyed look, which he ignored. “I’m not going to teach you every bloody flower in here.”

“But how am I supposed to sell them if I don’t know what they are,” James asked in a mocking voice, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Improvise,” I said plainly, staring back at him. “I hear you’re good at that.”

James rolled his eyes before darting off to another corner of the shop to look at more flowers. I busied myself with counting the money in the cash box until James appeared in front of the counter holding a yellow flower with large petals and a long, smooth stem.

“What’s this one?” He asked brightly and I scowled at him. “I know, I know. You’re not here to teach me. But I like this one the best… it’s prettier than the other ones and it smells really good. Will you please tell me what it is?”

I glanced down at the flower and then back up at James who was waiting expectantly for my answer.

“It’s… a lily,” I hesitated slightly, not missing just how awkward this moment was. I watched James’s eyes flit down to the flower and back up at me, the expression on his face unreadable.

“Oh,” was all he said. He stared at me for a fraction of a second before he darted away to look at more flowers. I watched him go, trying to ignore the way I wasn’t nearly as annoyed by him as I used to be.

As I should be.

The way he purposely messed up his hair didn’t even get on my nerves anymore; I even kind of liked the way his glasses made his hazel eyes look slightly larger than they actually were and the way they flashed mischievously every time he looked at me….

I let out a deep sigh, running my hands through my hair. What the bloody hell was going on here? If there was one thing I was sure of in life it was that James Potter was an annoying git.

So why was it that every time he looked at me like that, I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach? Maybe it was guilt… guilt for all the horrible things I’d said to him. He actually was a decent person. Caring, smart, comforting… why hadn’t I bothered to see this side of him before?  

I already knew the answer to that question. At school he was always trying to impress someone, always making sure he was noticed. I hated it. But seeing him like this with no one else around… why wasn’t he like this all the time?

“I have a question for you,” James popped up in front of the register, scaring my half to death. I shrieked and jumped back a foot while James grinned and waited patiently for my heartbeat to return to normal.

“Don’t do that,” I hissed when I’d recovered and whacked his arm.

“Can I ask my question now?” James chuckled, slipping behind the register with me.

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes, making room for him.

“Did you ever wonder if magic existed before Sna—before you found out it did?” James asked, leaning forward on the counter and resting his chin in his hands.

I too leaned forward onto the counter, mimicking his position while pondering his question.

“Every kid wonders about magic, don’t they?” I shrugged, unable to really form an answer. “I mean, I guess I always thought about it but in the Muggle world it’s kind of widely accepted that magic doesn’t exist.”

“So were you surprised when you found it did?” James turned his head towards me, curiosity lighting his eyes.

“To be honest, not really,” I answered, reaching over the counter and pulling a daisy from a bouquet of flowers. I let the daisy lay in my open palm and I heard James gasp quietly when the petals on the daisy quivered slightly before turning from creamy white to a brilliant blue.

“Like I said,” I turned my head slightly to face James who was staring at the flower. “I’ve always had a special gift with flowers. I would have to be incredibly closed-minded to be able to do something like this and not believe in magic.”

“So what are you going to do after school?” James asked, a smile lighting his face as he took the daisy from my hands and it faded back to white. “You’re pretty good with plants… you going to be a herbologist or something?”

I sighed and shook my head. “Just because that’s the obvious path life provided for me doesn’t mean I’m going to take it.”

“You’re an incredibly confusing girl, Evans,” James chuckled and shook his head, letting the daisy fall to the counter.

“I just mean… why should I feel obligated to work with plants just because my parents happened to own a flower shop and I happened to have a gift with plants?” I said pointedly, pushing myself away from the counter and leaning back against the wall, folding my arms across my chest. “What if there’s something I want more than that?”

“Is there?” James asked, turning around to face me. I stared back into his brilliant hazel eyes for a little longer than a moment. For some unknown, he looked deeply into mine’s as well. We were just looking at each other. Not talking, not moving… Just staring. Just figuring out each others’ thoughts carefully for the very first time.

Or James just figuring out my thoughts since I had no idea what was going on inside him. I studied his hazel eyes, they were twinkling with cockiness and something that I couldn’t identify… Curiosity? Concern? What was it? But all I knew was when he was gazing into mine’s as well, I felt like my brain and heart was under a full body scan.

Every word I had said and every thought I had was all his. He knew me ridiculously well. He knew me more thoroughly than my best friends. How was that bloody possible?

And in the corner of my mind, I noticed a car rushing by the shop, blaring music. I recognized the music. And it seemed to linger longer than it should…

She looked out the window,

He walked out the door.

She followed him and he asked:

Whatcha’ lookin’ for?

She said…

I want something that I want.

Something that I tell myself I need.

And I need everything I see and I see something that I want.

I see, yeah…

He’s been living in a pure illusion.

She’s going to come to her own conclusion.

Right when you think you know what to say,

Someone comes along and shows you a brand new way…

I was something that I want.

Something that I tell myself  I need.

And I need everything I see ‘cause it’s so easy to make-believe, it seems you’re living in a dream.

Don’t you see that what you need,

Is standing in front of you?

I mentally gaped at James Potter, immediately regretting my slip of the tongue. I had never told anyone what I really wanted to be, not even Mares and Ames. I wasn’t sure what just happened. When did talking to James become so…easy?

“I guess...” I faltered, not sure whether I wanted to share this with him or not, but I quickly gave in. I owed it to him to be honest.  “I guess I’ve always liked the idea of being an Auror.”

“Really?” James asked, a smile stretching across his face as if this greatly amused him.

“What?” I asked flatly, jerking my chin forward defiantly. “Don’t think I can do it?”

“Ha, no,” James chuckled, shaking his head. “I think you can more than do it. I know from first hand experience how terrifying you can be when you’ve got your wand aimed at me.”

“So what about you?” I asked, trying to repress the smile pulling at my lips.

“Auror,” he answered automatically as if he’d said it a thousand times before. “Both my parents were, they’re retired now. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.”

“You never wanted to be anything else?” I asked, slightly impressed with his dedication to that career.

“I think when I was six I had a brief desire to be a circus clown,” James chuckled. “But it was short lived… the big shoes freaked me out.”

I let out an appreciative laugh; the mental image of James Potter wearing a clown costume was highly amusing.

“What about Quidditch?” I said, my laughter trickling off. “You’re awfully good, I bet you could make it onto a professional team.”

“You do realize you just kind of complimented me…” James raised his eyebrows at me, that damn twinkle lighting up his eyes and I felt slightly queasy.

“Don’t let it go to your head,” I rolled my eyes at him.

“I’ve thought about it… but only briefly. I want to do something that matters,” James said simply and I stared at him. At school, he always gave the impression that Quidditch was his entire life. I had never realized that he had so many more dimensions than that. He actually wanted to make a difference… And I had to admit that I didn’t completely hate the idea of James Potter as an Auror. It was pretty noble.

What was happening to me? I was actually connecting with this boy without the provocation of my wretched sister or my father’s heart attack… Was this what being friends with him were actually like? Although this fluttery feeling in my stomach made me believe that it was more than friendship that I was seeking, and that scared me even more than the mental image of James as a clown.

“So what about Carly? What does she want to do?” I asked, desperate for a topic that would force my mind off that fluttery feeling. James Potter’s girlfriend seemed the safest thing. After all, I couldn’t get fluttery feelings for someone who was in a relationship…. Could I?

 “Carly…” James frowned almost as if he’d forgotten about her. “She wants to be a healer, I think...”

James drifted off into silence, his brows pulled together as if he were thinking over something particularly difficult. Sometimes I wished I could read his thoughts… he could be so mysterious at times.

The bell above the front door chimed, making me jump as three people came in, an older man and two small children, a boy and a girl. I greeted them cheerfully and told them if they needed any help to not hesitate to ask.

I hurriedly finished counting to till, realizing that I’d been talking with James for far too long and ignoring the shop duties. The family wandered around the shop and I heard them talking amongst themselves and figured they knew what they were looking for.

I quickly put the cash box away when I was done counting and looked up, startling when I realized that James was talking to the family in the front corner of the shop.

“Our mum’s sick,” the little girl was telling James. He had bent down so he was on her level while she talked to him. “We wanted to bring her something pretty in the hospital.”

“Well, that’s not good that she’s sick,” James shook his head and the little girl agreed, her brother nodding vigorously next to her. “But I bet some pretty flowers would make her feel a lot better.”

“That’s why we need some!” The boy exclaimed, and I saw a smile tug on the corners of James’s mouth. I glanced up at the father who was watching his children and James with amusement.

“Well, why don’t we pick a color first,” James said, clapping his hands together as he straightened up. “What do you think… blue? Red? Yellow? Purple?—”

“Yellow!” The girl interrupted. “It’s warm and sunny. I like yellow.”

“Yellow it is!” James agreed, his eyes scanning the rows and rows of flowers. “And I have just the thing for you.”

James disappeared behind a trellis we’d filled with Morning Glories so I couldn’t see what flowers he’d picked for them.

“Here… these are my personal favorites,” James came back into view and I nearly choked when I saw he was holding a bouquet of yellow lilies laced with baby’s breath.

“They’re so pretty!” the little girl exclaimed, taking the bouquet from him. “Oooh, and they smell so good.”

“They’re perfect,” the father agreed, gesturing to the little girl that she should bring to flowers to me to pay.

James’s eyes found mine and he gave me a small wink. I turned away quickly, ringing up the sale so James wouldn’t see the blush that crept into my cheeks with his gaze.

Dear Merlin, what was happening to me? James Potter was making me blush. Hell could officially freeze over.

But he’s still a goon, I reminded myself acidly. I couldn’t just forget all the times he’s humiliated me and pranked me in front of the entire school. He was just doing what he does best… using his charm so girls will fall for him. Well, it won’t work on me. No way. Sorry.

The man paid for the flowers and his children thanked James before they left. I watched them go, too deep in thoughts of James to notice that he’d come to stand right next to me.

“He’s right, you know,” James said, making me nearly jump out of my skin.

“Hmm?” I asked, trying to act nonchalant while my skin was inexplicably tingling at his proximity to me.

“About lilies… they’re perfect,” James shrugged, his eyes sliding over to meet mine, that damn devilish twinkle making my breath stop in my chest. “Don’t you think?”

“I think they’re overrated,” I said, looking away as I finished writing down the sale. What on earth was happening to me? This was not a normal reaction to James Potter. Well… not normal for me. I did not like him. At all.  

I mean… sure, he had stayed up with me last night while I cried, and sure he’d comforted me and even made me smile, and sure he stole my sister’s money to buy me breakfast, and sure we had very similar goals in life, and I kept getting that strange feeling whenever he looked at me… but there was just no way in hell that I liked him.

No. Way. Because the day I fell for James Potter, I’d have a serious problem on my hands. And I already have enough problems to last a lifetime.

“Well, I think they’re perfect,” James nudged me lightly in the side and I glanced over at him. “That’s got to count for something, right?”

He gave me a small smile and my heart skipped a beat.

Right when you think you know what to say,

Someone comes along and shows you a brand new way…

The car’s music came drifting back.

Don’t you see that what you need,

Is standing in front of you?

Houston, we have a problem.

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

After we closed the shop, we popped over to the hospital briefly so I could say goodbye to my dad. He was doing much better than when I saw him yesterday. Hopefully, he’d be able to get back to work again soon. I knew how much it frustrated him not to be able to be doing anything for the family.

When we arrived back at the flat, there was an owl waiting on my window ledge with a parcel tied to its leg.

I quickly pulled him inside and set the parcel on my desk. I dreaded opening it. I knew it was the portkey that would take us back to Hogwarts. Why was I so resistant to going back? It’s not like I wanted to stay at my house forever.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I was afraid that once we were back at school, everything would go back to normal between James and I. We’d finally reached a balance in our friendship that made everything work.

In spite of all this, I had resolutely decided to ignore whatever feelings I may have been developing for him. Maybe it was like the flue and it would pass in twenty-four hours. And then I’d get on with my life. And he would go on with his. And we’d go on hating each other like we used to…

“Don’t forget your dress robes,” I said quietly to James as I tidied my room. We had about five minutes before the portkey was to take us back. He had been unusually quiet since we left the hospital and I wondered what he was thinking about… if it was the same thing I was thinking about. Though I knew it couldn’t be exactly what I was thinking about… He had Carly Carrington.

And what about Carly? What would she think of this whole weekend? I’m sure she wasn’t thrilled that he ditched her at the party and spent the entire weekend with another girl. And if things had really changed between James and I, and we really were friends now, I doubt Carly would be happy about that either.

After I finished making my bed I wandered over to my desk and picked up the small lion statue that McGonagall sent as our portkey. I turned it over in my hands, remembering the night I had taught James the disillusionment charm. I wondered if he remembered that night too…

“Ready?” James appeared next to me, his dress robes tucked under his arm. He had an odd expression on his face, like he didn’t quite want to be leaving either, though I couldn’t imagine why he’d want to stay here.

I nodded, not saying anything. I didn’t want to go back to the way things used to be. But I knew that as soon as we stepped foot in that school, it would all be the same and I’d probably be yelling at him by dinner tonight.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

I held out the lion statue for James to take. I watched his eyes rove over the statue, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth. He hesitated before placing his hand on the statue just above mine. I could feel my skin tingling with his proximity but I pushed the thought away quickly.

I glanced over at him and his eyes met mine for a fraction of a second before I felt the familiar tug behind my navel, as we were both pulled into nothingness.

“So how was it?” Padfoot literally pounced on me as I entered my dorm after I arrived.

“Was what?” I replied absently, collapsing on my bed. I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well last night, my dreams were haunted by nightmares. I winced as they came flooding back to me.

“FREAK!” something screamed in the murkiness. I was suffocating. The darkness was weighting on my shoulders. It wasn’t just darkness, though. It was pure sadness and desperation. Irritated, I looked over my shoulder and was surprised to see Lily on my back.

Her face was scratched and bleeding, her hair was in a complete mess. But her eyes were the worst. They were glassy and clouded with sadness. Moreover, they were lost, the light was quickly fading from them. 

“Help,” a single word was forced through her bleeding lips.

“No!” I gasped but there was nothing I could do. “Stay with me, Lily!” I begged like it would keep her with me.

“Stay with me!”

“Hogwarts to Prongs, Hogwarts to Prongs!” Padfoot shouted at me again. “Honestly Prongs. What’s wrong?” I lifted my head to look at Sirius sitting at the end of my bed.

“Nothing,” I muttered and pulled myself into a sitting position but I knew I didn’t sound fine.

“Did something happen with Evans?” Wormy peered at me as he came over with Remus. “Did you kiss and make up?” Remus joked.

“Not exactly,” I muttered. I didn’t want to say that but like Lily, I couldn’t lie to my best mates. “I just…understood her a bit more.” Strangely, they all shared knowing looks with each other, like I had just shared good news with them.

“What?” I raised one eyebrow.

“Just tell us,” Moony pressed. “What did you understand?”

A million answers ran through my head, “She’s not that bad? She actually has a really sad life at home. Her sister hates her and her parents are struggling. I guess that’s why she’s so stressed out at school.” Words were coming out easier now. “But it still bloody irks me that she’s barely telling me anything when she’s so troubled. I mean, I’ve probably seen more than her best mates have yet…nothing.” I remembered how lost her eyes were. “And it’s driving me crazy. I can’t bloody figure it out.”  

“So you seriously interested in her?” Padfoot looked curiously at me and I sensed something more behind those words.

I shook my head slowly, “Not exactly interested. I just want to bloody know why’s she’s like this. Yet everything just leads to more questions.”

“What do you think of her now?” Moony leaned against my four-poster bed.

“She’s beautiful. Everything about her is beautiful.”  

“And now you like her,” Padfoot replied, his eyes shining with triumph. Why? But I was too surprised with his statement.

“Excuse me?” I stared at him.

Wormy shrugged, “You called her a looker. So there must be something going on.”

Suddenly, a burst of anger raced through me. “She not just a looker. She’s a bloody lot more than that. She’s so nice and caring, she still loves her damned sister. She knows her parents are struggling so she tries to share their burden. Most of all, she has feelings too,” the words gushed out from me at breakneck speed. I hadn’t even realized what I had just said.

Remus rolled his eyes and sighed, “Do you like Lily or not?”

For once, I couldn’t answer.

“Put this on the wound every six hours until it’s completely healed. You’ll have a bit of a scar, I’m afraid that won’t go away…” Madam Pomfrey said, thrusting a small bottle of blue liquid into my uninjured hand. “You should have come straight to me… none of this ridiculous rag tied around your hand. It’s a miracle it’s not infected,” she clucked impatiently as she eyed my discarded, blood-stained bandage.

“I already told you, I was at home in York,” I said for the fifth time. “I couldn’t come straight here. I did the best I could.”

“Still…” Madam Pomfrey sighed irritably, putting a fresh bandage on the cut that ran from my knuckles to my wrist along the back of my hand.

I had come straight to the hospital wing when James and I returned. He said he would tell McGonagall we were back and I would go to the hospital wing. Nothing more was said between us. It was probably better that way. Talking to James Potter was dangerous anymore. I didn’t want to feel that fluttery feeling I got every time he looked at me.

But I also found myself wanting to talk to him… just talk, like we had in the flower shop and on my bed last night. Merlin, was it really only last night?

“You should change the bandage every day as well,” the old nurse said. “Wait here and I’ll get you some extras.”

Madam Pomfrey disappeared through a door at the end of the long hospital wing and I sank back against the pillows on the bed, letting out a deep sigh.

I let my eyes close, trying very hard not to think about what I would say to James when I saw him next.

“Lily?” A voice interrupted my thoughts and my eyes snapped open as I recognized who was speaking to me.

“Sev?” I sat bolt upright to find him standing at the end of the bed, a large stack of folded sheets in his hands. “What are you doing here?”

Severus shifted uncomfortably, his eyes skillfully avoiding mine.

“Erm… part of my detention. I’m almost done,” he muttered, setting the pile of sheets on the table next to the bed. “How was your weekend? Is your dad alright?”

“He’ll be fine,” I said, ignoring the guilty feeling I got at the mention of Severus’s detention. Would he ever tell me why he kept getting them? Or was I better off not knowing? Ignorance is bliss, as they say…

“Well?” Severus sat down next to me, his black eyes finding mine.

“Well what?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

“What did you hit him with this time?” Severus asked, a smile pulling the corners of his mouth into a smile. “Bat Bogey hex? Jelly-legs jinx? That one that makes antlers sprout out of your head?”

Severus looked eagerly around the hospital room and his face clouded over slightly when he realized James Potter wasn’t occupying any of the hospital beds.

“I didn’t hex him,” I said quietly.

“Then why are you here?” Severus frowned, looking more than disappointed that Potter hadn’t come back from my house in pieces.

I held up my bandaged hand. “Petunia,” I explained simply.

“So you didn’t hex Potter at all?” Severus whined and I shook my head.  “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“I’m fine,” I sighed, giving him a small smile. “He just didn’t do anything worth hexing this weekend.”

“I think his mere existence warrants constant hexing,” Severus muttered and I glared at him.

“Sev—“ I began to scold him but the door to the hospital wing burst open and James himself walked in, his eyes going to straight to me.

“Lily,” he smiled at me, his eyes flickering briefly to Severus who was still sitting next to me. “Snape,” he acknowledged solemnly.

I was impressed how he managed to keep the disdain from his voice as he greeted Severus. Maybe things were actually going to be different…

“Just thought I’d tell you that McGonagall knows we’re back,” James spoke to me now, carefully avoiding any more contact with his enemy. “And… erm, I hope your hand is better.”

I opened my mouth to respond but Madam Pomfrey bustled out of her office with a small stack of clean bandages for my hand.

“Don’t forget, change that every day,” She said sternly, eyeing my intently. “And do try to be more careful in the future.”

“I will,” I nodded, hoping the nurse hadn’t noticed the tense atmosphere she had just walked into.

She peered at me over her spectacles for a moment before eyeing Severus and James in turn.

“Mr. Snape, those beds aren’t going to make themselves,” She clucked, shooing us away with her hand before she turned and disappeared into her office.

“Er…thank you, James,” I said brusquely, turning back to him and trying to keep any note of emotion from my voice. “I’ll see you later then.”

“Later,” he smiled at me before turning on his heel and walking quickly from the hospital wing. I stared after him for a second before dropping my eyes to the bandage wrapped around my hand.

“Since when do you call him James?” Severus asked, disdain seeping into this voice.

“Well, it’s his name, isn’t it?” I shrugged, mentally kicking myself for that slip out.

“So you’re on a first-name basis now, are you?” Sev sneered. “What, did you two get cozy at your flat over the weekend?”

“Don’t be a git. Of course we didn’t,” I scoffed at him, shoving myself roughly off the bed. I hated when Severus got like this. “He was nice enough to come with me, the least I can do is call him by his proper name.”

“You know I would have come with you if I could have,” Severus said, following me to the door.

“But you didn’t, Sev,” I turned towards him. “I’m not mad that you couldn’t come. But he was there for me, and I’m grateful for it. Just let it be.”

Severus let out an agitated sigh as he stared down at me, a dozen emotions crossing his sallow face.

“Fine,” he said in a forcedly calm voice.

“I’ll see you later, alright?” I said, placing a friendly hand on his arm. “We should plan some things to do over the Christmas holiday. You’ll be home?”

Severus stared down at me for a second, his dark eyes boring into mine.

“Yeah, I’ll be home,” He said quickly, letting his eyes drift away from mine. “I’ll see you later.”

He turned and strode back down the length of the hospital wing, roughly grabbing the stack of bed sheets as he went.

Why couldn’t my life ever be simple?

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

“What happened to your hand?”

“Did James do that?”

“How’s your dad?”

“Did James sleep in your room?”

“Why did James go with you?”

“Do you want to actually hear the answers or do you want to just keep asking me questions?” I interrupted Amy and Mares and they both fell silent, guilty smiles lingering on their faces.

“Sorry,” Amy shrugged. “It’s just been torture not knowing what’s been going on. All we knew was that you’d gotten a letter from home about your dad and you ran off with Potter.”

“I didn’t run off with him,” I rolled my eyes as I shifted closer to the side to make space on the couch in the common room so my friends could sit. “McGonagall wouldn’t let me go alone and it was either him or Carrington.”

“Oooh, tough call,” Mary winced.

“So Ja—Potter came with me,” I corrected myself quickly, remembering that my friends had no idea how much things had changed between us. “My dad’s fine, it was just a minor heart attack.”

“That’s good,” Amy sighed in relief. “So what happened after the hospital? You went back to your house? What about your hand?”

“Let the girl breathe, Ames,” Mary giggled.

“Yeah, we went back to my house,” I said slowly. That whole trip felt so distant now, like it happened a long time ago and not two days ago. I knew I was going to tell Amy and Mares everything that happened. They were my best friends, right? But, what would they say when I told them? Undoubtedly they would think I’d fallen for Potter. But I was still convinced it was just the flu.

“Potter was really nice about the whole thing,” I said, letting my eyes drop to my hands. “He got me coffee at the hospital and everything was just… normal between us. And then we got back to my house…”

“Uh oh…” Mary frowned, sensing my change of tone.

“I was stupid and left him alone in my room while I changed,” I winced.

“Oh dear…” Amy shook her head. “This is going to be bad.”

“And when I came back up, he was going through my stuff,” I said, watching with some amusement as Ames and Mares both groaned. “Looking at pictures of Alex and I, letters, all that stuff.”

“Oh, Potter…” Mary smacked her forehead with her palm. “What an idiot.”

“Naturally I got a little mad…” I said lightly.

“So you two had an explosive fight,” Amy nodded and Mary tried to hide her smile.

“Kind of,” I winced, recalling with some guilt all the horrible things we’d said to each other. “And it somehow ended with him telling me he cared about me.”

“Oh, my gosh,” Mary’s jaw dropped and Amy’s eyes grew wide.

“I’m not finished,” I said almost apologetically. Retelling this story made me realize just how much had actually happened. It must be overwhelming for them to hear.

“I can’t believe he said he cared about you,” Ames whispered. 

“I can,” Mary shrugged. “We all knew it, we just didn’t think he did.”

“Would you like me to finish or not?” I snapped, not in the mood to get into that particular discussion at the moment.

“Go on,” Amy urged me, sending Mary a withering glare.

“He was still upset and wanted to just leave, but I convinced him to stay the night because honestly I didn’t really want to be alone,” I said carefully so that my friends would read too much into that. “And then Petunia came home… and well, you know my sister. You can thank her for this,” I held up my bandaged hand and Mary’s face contorted with anger.

“You’re serious?” Mary scoffed. “She did that? That’s it, I’m sending her a cursed hat.”

“Mary,” Amy hissed and Mares fell silent.

“Well, she said some horrible things and James actually stood up for me,” I said, recalling just how mad he’d gotten. Something tingled in the pit of my stomach but I quickly pushed it away. “Anyways, I was pretty upset and he… I don’t know, he just made everything better.”

I looked up to see Ames and Mares exchanging loaded looks and I scowled at them. “All we did was talk.”

“There’s more, though,” Amy guessed, narrowing her eyes at me. “You’re not telling us everything.”

“I don’t know,” I muttered, playing with a loose thread on my robes.

“You do know,” Mary pressed.

“It seems like something changed between us,” I tried to explain though it sounded completely lame when I said it out loud. “But I can’t put my finger on it. Its just hard to see things going back to the way they used to be after everything that happened.”

“You like him,” Amy gasped, her hand shooting up to her mouth.

“No,” I snorted.

“Oh, my gosh,” Mares said slowly, her blue eyes widening.

“I do not like him,” I said sternly, glaring at my friends. “I—“

Mary held up her hand, silencing me quickly as we all heard someone walking down the stairs from the dorms. I wondered who would be out this late, it was almost two o’ clock in the morning.

A collective sigh of relief was released as Sirius Black sauntered into view, his thumbs hooked into his pockets.

“Evening, ladies,” Sirius nodded, taking a seat on the floor next to me. “I heard Mary and you two talking about this weekend so I thought I’d come join now that I’m in on the secret.”

“There is no bloody secret,” I snorted. “And we didn’t even invite you.”

“Oh, come on, Evans,” Sirius cocked an eyebrow. “I’m probably the only person on Earth who know how you really feel about Prongs.”

“Actually, we’re talking about that now,” Mary replied coldly. “And after this weekend, Lily seems to have feelings for James.”

“Ooh, girl talk?” Sirius clapped his hands together in mock delight.

“Don’t be a prat,” Mary smacked the back of his head and he grinned sheepishly at her. But Mary seemed to be seriously fed up with him.

Amy tried to suppress her snort of laughter and I rolled my eyes at all of them.

“For the love of Godric, I am not falling for him,” I groaned, tired of trying to explain this. “All I meant was that I don’t have the urge to yell at him and hex him all the time now. I think we can actually be friends this time.”

“You two have tried that a hundred times,” Mary rolled her eyes. “And look how they’ve all ended up.”

“Something’s different this time,” I shrugged.

“Yeah, different because now you lurrrrve him,” Ames cooed and I glared at her.

“Alright, let’s get some sleep before Lily kills Ames,” Mary stood up abruptly and headed for the dorm. We all raised our eyebrows at her. Why did she do that? Was she mad a Sirius?

“I’d better see to her,” Ames muttered and darted after Mary.  

“So…” Sirius said after a few more moments of sitting in silence. “I have to ask. What really happened over the weekend?”

“Didn’t James tell you?” I narrowed my eyes at him as we settled down next to each other on the one of the couches in the common room.

“That’s just it… he’s been unusually quiet since you two got back,” Sirius said shoving his hands roughly into his pockets. “It’s not like him… we tell each other everything. And since he’s been back he’s been spending a ridiculous amount of time with Carly.”

“Is that… unusual? For him to spend so much time with her?” I asked, trying to make my voice sound casual, but I couldn’t ignore the way my stomach plummeted with this information.

“I don’t know,” Sirius muttered. “It seems like he’s been avoiding us… like he doesn’t want to tell us what happened.”

“Nothing happened, though,” I insisted, pulling on Sirius’s sleeve so that he knew I was serious. I then sighed and proceeded to tell him everything, every excruciating detail—everything James said to me, everything my sister said to me, the fights, the crying, the “I care about you” (to which Sirius gave a satisfied smile)…

“I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you, though,” I said after I finished relaying our weekend.       

“Well, I do,” Sirius chuckled as he gazed into the glowing embers of the fireplace. “It’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“Merlin, not this again,” I grumbled, shoving my hand irritably in the pockets of my robes.

“You said things changed between you two,” Sirius smiled, glancing over at me. “James said he cared about you… Come on, Lily. You have to admit it now. We were all right. James does like you and this weekend only made him realize it. Hell, he even came right out and said it, though I think the truth is just as terrifying to him as it is to you.”

“That’s bollocks,” I sniffed.

“It’s not and you know it,” Sirius said fiercely, his eyes flashing over to me. “He didn’t tell us because he knew what we would say, because we’ve said it to him before. And now he’s clinging to Carly because he’s trying to make it go away, trying to convince himself that it’s just a fluke, these feelings.”

“It is just a fluke,” I insisted. “James doesn’t care for me anymore than he cares for Mares or Amy.”

“You’ll see, Evans,” Sirius sighed then we fell into silence again. Suddenly, we heard two people talking right outside the portrait hole.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Nothing happened.” James’s voice made my fingers freeze in my pockets. I glanced over at Sirius and saw that he was already leaning towards the portal, trying to hear well.

“You can say it all you want, James. But I still don’t believe you,” Carly’s quiet voice caught me off guard and I immediately moved closer to the entrance.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” James muttered irritably. “I had no choice, McGonagall wouldn’t let her go alone. Would you rather have gone?”

“You left me alone at that party,” Carly said, and I was surprised that her voice hadn’t taken a more irritable tone, as mine would have in that situation. Her voice was just as sweet and gentle as ever, if just a little sad. It just made it that much worse. “Do you know how embarrassing it was to go back after you’d run off with Evans? The entire weekend, it was all everyone could talk about – you going off with Evans and ditching me.”

“Oh Godric, I didn’t run off with her,” James said, his voice growing irritated. “I didn’t even want to go. The whole bloody weekend was a nightmare. I would much rather have been here with you, you know that.”

“I don’t know it,” Carly contradicted, her voice pouting now. “I have no idea what happened at her house… what you two did.”

“We didn’t do anything,” James said again. My heart was pounding in my chest… a bloody nightmare? And here I’d thought things had actually been good…

“All she did was yell at me all weekend; you know how much she hates me,” James said and I heard Sirius let out an irritated sigh next to me. “And you know I hate her, so why are you so paranoid about this?”

I closed my eyes, his words cutting me deep. He hated me?

“Please, just trust me, Carly,” James said softer now. “Nothing happened. I care about you, not her.”

I pushed myself roughly away from the portrait hole. Trust him? I was supposed to be able to trust him. Had everything he’d said to me that weekend been a lie? He didn’t care about me at all. In fact, he hated me. How could I have been so stupid?

I stood up sharply and turned towards the staircase to the girls’ dorm. Sirius followed closely behind me, his face still shocked from what we’d heard.

“Lily, wait,” Sirius called, pulling me around to face him.

“What, Sirius?” I spun around to face him, trying desperately to hold back the tears that were pushing against my eyes. “You can’t stand there and tell me that he cares about me after hearing that.”

“Come on, you know he was only saying that for Carly’s benefit,” Sirius said, his voice somber. Irritation flashed through his gray eyes but I knew it wasn’t at me; it was at his best friend.

“No, I don’t know that,” I contradicted him fiercely.  “I went against my better judgment and trusted him. I can’t believe I was so stupid to think that things would actually be different this time…”

“You weren’t being stupid,” Sirius shook his head.

“No, you know what?” I sighed, my suppressed tears starting to blur my vision. “I was right all along… Potter doesn’t give a damn about me. And I shouldn’t give a damn about him. It’s always going to be like this between us so I should just… let it be.”

“Lily…” Sirius started but I held up a hand, cutting him off.

“Don’t bother, Sirius,” I shook my head. “You and I both heard what Potter said. There’s no changing that.”

Sirius stared down at me, a mix of frustration and empathy etched into his silver eyes.

“Have a good break, alright?” I said, nudging him lightly in the side, and he gave me a sad smile. “See you when we get back.”

“Yeah, see you,” Sirius muttered before I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, leaving any feelings I might have been developing for James Potter behind. 

Lily,

Sorry I didn’t get to see you before break. I just wanted to say bye and hope everything’s good in York, you know, with your dad. Have a nice holiday!

                        - James

“You’re sure you have everything, sweetheart? What’s that you’re holding?” Mum asked and I looked up from the small piece of parchment in my hands.

“Nothing,” I said, crumbling the letter in my hand before tossing it in the nearest bin. “Just a spare bit of parchment. I found it in my pocket.”

I had received that particular letter from a certain Gryffindor prefect shortly after we left for the Christmas holiday. I still couldn’t figure out why he’d bothered at all. From what I’d heard of his conversation with Carly, he hated me.

A train whistle blew from somewhere in King’s Cross and my mum whipped her head around while dad checked his watch.

“You’d better hurry,” he said, setting Marmalade’s cage on top of my trunk.

“Have a good term, darling,” Mum engulfed me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe. “Write to us all the time, ok?”

“All the time,” I promised in whatever little breath I had left.

I gave my dad a quick hug and I pushed my trolley towards the barrier between platforms 9 and 10. Petunia had opted out of seeing me off and I honestly couldn’t care less. We had barely spoken over the holiday, much to my parents’ dismay. It seemed that neither of us had anything to say to the other anymore. Maybe it was better that way…

“Lily!”

I barely made it through the barrier before two people collided with me, knocking us all to the ground.

“Are you mad?” I half-laughed as Mary and Ames pulled me off the ground. “We’re going to get trampled by the next person who comes through that barrier.”

As we brushed off our clothes and moved my trolley out of the way, another student came through the barrier, right where we’d previously been on the ground.

“Merlin, I’m so sorry!” The girl cried when she saw she’d nearly ran us over and with a jolt, I realized it was Carrington. She stared at me for a second as she realized who I was too. I noticed her blush slightly crimson as she recognized me before she turned and walked quickly off without another word.

“Wow… tension,” Amy muttered as she watched Carly join a group of her Ravenclaw friends.

I had, of course, told Amy and Mary what Sirius and I had overheard in the common room. They were of the same opinion as Sirius, that James had only said those things for the benefit of his girlfriend. I, however, was still inclined to believe the worst, that he actually did hate me.

After we’d loaded our trunks onto the train, we settled in a compartment with the Marauders, which to my dismay included Potter. 

“Alright, Evans?” Potter smiled as me as I settled myself between Mary and Remus. “Have a good holiday?”

“It was fine,” I replied stonily before engaging Remus in conversation. I saw Potter send Sirius a questioning look, but Sirius just shrugged, his silver eyes flitting briefly to me.

“Slughorn told me at the Christmas Party that we’d be doing love potions this winter. That should make for an interesting lesson,” Potter commented casually, trying to spark a conversation as the train lurched into motion.

“Are you serious?” Amy sat up in her seat, her hazel eyes twinkling excitedly.

“No, I a—“ Sirius started but Mary quickly slipped off one of her shoes and chucked it at him, knocking him on the head.

“Shut up, we’ve heard that joke a million times already,” Mary giggled as Sirius rubbed his head.

“It’s still funny,” Sirius mumbled fetching Mary’s shoe from the floor where it landed. “And I’m keeping this as a hostage until you admit it.”

“Never,” Mares smiled defiantly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Then be prepared to go shoeless all winter,” Sirius smirked triumphantly.

“Sirius, I’m a girl. I have more than one pair of shoes,” Mares rolled her eyes, a smile still playing at her lips.

“I never understood that,” Peter shook his head, his eyebrows knit together. “Why girls have so many pairs of shoes.”

“It’s in case some prat steals one of them,” Mary said, slipping off her other shoe and chucking it at Sirius, who batted it away with its mate. “Take the other if you’re going to keep it. Wear them if you want, I don’t care.”

“Aren’t they a bit small?” Peter smirked as Sirius stuck his hands into the shoes and started doing the can-can.

“Please. Have you seen his feet? They’re tiny,” Mary giggled as Sirius did a particularly elaborate kick with his hands.

“And if what they say about a guy’s feet being small is true, that’s not the only place he’s tiny,” Amy dissolved into a fit of laughter along with the rest of us.

Sirius immediately shook Mary’s shoes off his hands and sank back into his seat, a pout spreading across his handsome face.           

“I officially hate this conversation,” Sirius muttered, folding his arms across his chest. “What were you saying about the love potion, Prongs?”

Potter was still laughing too hard to answer, though, and that only made Sirius scowl even more.

“Love potions are supposed to be really hard to make,” I supplied for Sirius’s benefit, though I was not quite able to wipe the smile from my face yet. “I wonder why Slughorn’s decided to have us make that one…”

“I doubt it’ll be that hard for you, Evans,” Potter said when he could talk again, flashing that stupid, perfect smile at me. “I mean, you’re brilliant in potions. You know you’ll be the first to finish, and it’ll still be better than the rest of ours.”

I saw Amy and Mary glance at me briefly for my reaction to his compliment, but I simply sank back into my seat and pulled my Charms book from my bag, flipping through the pages to find where I’d left off.

“What’s got her wand in a knot?” I heard James mutter to Sirius and I glared at him over the top of my book.

“Just drop it, mate,” Sirius said quietly, hoping to ease some of the tension that had seeped into the compartment.

“Like you even need to ask,” I said quietly, dropping my eyes back to my book.

“Come again, Evans?” Potter asked, all the cheeriness vanishing from his face as he slipped back to the condescending use of my surname. “If you have a problem, don’t be shy. Spit it out.”

“Funny, I could say the same to you,” I said bitterly, slamming my book shut. I sat straight up, glaring into his hazel eyes.

“What in the bloody hell are you on about?” James frowned, genuine confusion crossing his face. I felt kind of bad for snapping at him, remembering how just a couple weeks ago I had promised myself to never yell at him again. My, how things had changed.

“Look, mate,” Sirius leaned forward slightly, apprehension settling in his eyes. “Lily and I overheard you and Carly outside the common room before break…”

Comprehension broke across Potter’s face as he realized what conversation Sirius was talking about, followed closely by what I thought might be guilt.

“Oh…” Potter breathed, his eyes finding mine. “Oh, Lily. I didn’t mean—“

“Forget it, alright?” I interrupted him, shrugging indifferently. “It’s better that I know how you really feel about me. You could have just told me, you know, instead of lying to my face.”

“I wasn’t lying,” James insisted quickly, his voice picking up a tone of urgency. “Please, just—“

“I said forget it,” I cut him off, giving him an icy stare. “I’m going to change into my robes. I have to do patrol in a little bit.”

I snatched a bundle of clothes out of my trunk, ignoring the tense atmosphere the compartment had assumed. Everyone was staring between Potter and I, nobody daring to speak. I slid the compartment door shut behind me and leaned back against the narrow corridor wall. I was almost relieved to have the first confrontation between Potter and I over… though I couldn’t help but feel a little disheartened by the abrupt turn our friendship had taken.

I was so sick of bouncing back and forth with him. Why couldn’t we strike a balance as friends? Even when we weren’t friends, we couldn’t even seem to keep our enmity in balance. What was wrong with us? What were we missing here?

“Lily?” A voice stopped me as I turned to head for the loo, and I turned slowly towards its source.

“What do you want, Potter?” I asked in a steady voice, wanting nothing more than to be locked safely in the loo and far away from him. I had established long ago that being around James Potter was dangerous, that what I had begun to feel for him in York was dangerous...

James slid the compartment door closed and took a few steps towards me, his face burning with the guilt I knew he felt.

“I just… I’m really sorry,” he said sincerely, coming to a stop in front of me.

“For what?” I shrugged dully. “You were only telling Carly how you really felt about me. I can’t be mad at you for telling you the truth, if that’s how you really feel.”

“But that’s not how I really feel,” James burst, running his hands through his dark hair distractedly.

“Think of it from my point of view,” I said, furrowing my eyebrows and hugging my robes tightly against my chest. “I come back to school after that weekend, thinking things had kind of changed between us and then I hear you telling Carly that you hate me, and that that weekend had been a complete nightmare. What was I supposed to think?”

James remained silent, his hazel eyes trained on mine. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking… or if he were going to speak anytime soon so I broke the tense silence.

“Things… did… change between us that weekend, right?” I asked quietly. “I mean, at least for me they did. I can’t stand the thought of yelling at you now, or ever… not after everything you did for me. And… talking to you was so easy, and… Maybe I was stupid for thinking things would be different.”

“You weren’t stupid,” James said quietly, his eyes dropping to his hands. “I thought things might be different, too… but then Carly was so upset and understandably so. I can’t believe I just left her there without a thought. She told me she thought I had a thing for you….  so I said the only thing that would make her feel better.”

James trailed off and I tried to keep a furious blush from creeping into my cheeks at the mention of him fancying me. I kept my eyes down, staring resolutely at the folds of fabric in my hands.

“It wasn’t true, what I said to her,” James said, and I could feel his eyes on me again. “I don’t hate you. At all. I’m really sorry if that… hurt you.”

I glanced up at him, surprised by how thoroughly he understood why I was upset.

“And you’re right, about things changing,” James said quietly and I had to tear my eyes away from his to stop the butterflies from erupting in my stomach. “I was worried I was the only one to… feel it. But if you do too, and we really are friends now, I shouldn’t have to hide it from Carly. She’ll just have to deal with it.”

I nodded, but remained silent, letting James’s words wash over me. He felt the change too… and he’d said we were friends. I wish he would address how Carly thought he had a thing for me… but that was a dangerous topic, too. I didn’t need to know. Because what would I do if he did have feelings for me?

“Did you… have a good holiday?” James asked tentatively, when I didn’t speak for a moment. Student jostled past us and we really couldn’t have picked a more awkward place to have a deep, heartfelt conversation.

“It was ok,” I shrugged. “My dad’s loads better. But Petunia barely said a word to me the whole break.”

“I’m sorry,” James grimaced at the mention of my sister. “And your hand?”

“Madam Pomfrey said the scar would probably never go away,” I held out my hand, showing off the long white line that ran crookedly from my knuckles to my wrist.

James reached out and absently traced the back of my hand with his fingers, sending a jolt of hormonal electricity through me at his touch.

“It kind of looks like a lightning bolt, doesn’t it?” James smiled as he ran his fingers down the scar. The memory of how he’d wrapped the bandage that night, how he’d held my hand and brushed the hair out of my face came rushing back to me and I tried desperately not to blush.

“I guess it does,” I agreed, a smile tugging at my mouth. “I’ll have to make up a better story for how I got it though. My sister shoving me into a wall isn’t an impressive enough story for a lightning shaped scar.”

“I’m sure we can come up with something good,” James smiled that wickedly charming smile at me and this time I couldn’t stop the blush that spread through my cheeks.

“Lily?” A low voice behind me made me jump and I quickly pulled my hand from James’s as I turned to greet Severus.

“Sev! Hi,” I said breathlessly, hoping he hadn’t just seen Potter holding my hand, even if it was just to examine my scar. That would be hard to explain. “Did you have a good holiday? I didn’t see you at all.”

“I was at my grandmother’s,” Severus said stonily, his dark eyes trained on Potter.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I tried calling you,” I said quietly, well aware that Potter was standing awkwardly between us.

“Oh, I don’t know. Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Potter?” Severus said bluntly and I gaped at him, completely taken aback by his bold assumption. James cleared his throat uncomfortably, but I saw a small smile creep onto his face.

“Sev, you’re mental,” I scoffed. “We’re not dating, you know that.”

“You also told me you hated him, am I supposed to believe that, too?” Severus said pointedly, his dark eyes flickering to James and back to me. I glanced over at James, an apology written plainly on my face, but he seemed unbothered by this. I guess he wasn’t the only one who’d fibbed about our newfound friendship.

“Sev, come on,” I sighed, tugging on his sleeve. “You know I’m friends with all of them. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal?” Severus repeated, faltering slightly as his eyes flickered to James and back to me. “The big deal is that they’re not as great as you think they are,” Severus hissed at me and I frowned. Where was all of this hostility coming from? I knew he hated the Marauders but he had never objected this vehemently to my being friends with them.

“Your friends aren’t exactly a standup crowd either,” I said defensively, acutely aware that Potter was still between us. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have in front of him.

"At least my friends don’t associate with a werewolf,” Severus hissed and James had Severus pinned up against the wall before the shock even registered on my face. Severus knew about Remus?

James’s arm was locked tightly against Severus’s chest, their faces only inches from each other’s.

“You swore you’d never tell,” James hissed violently at Severus, who coughed feebly as James’s elbow dug into his throat. “You bloody bastard, you swore!”

“James, let him go,” I said, forcefully pulling on his arms and he unwillingly took a step back from Severus. What was he talking about? Swore he’d never tell… James knew that Severus knew? Merlin, this was like a bad soap opera or something. It hurt my head to think about.

"She has a right to know who… or what, she’s hanging around with,” Severus said in a raspy voice, his eyes burning with ferocity as he glared at James.

“I already knew, you half-wit,” I smacked his arm with as much force as I could muster but he barely swayed.

“You did?” Severus and James scoffed at the same time.

“Of course I did, I’m not an idiot,” I seethed at Severus.

“How can you even stand to be around him, then?” Severus hissed and I stomped my foot on the ground.

“Enough!” I said loudly, and both pairs of eyes settled on me. “Severus, I need to talk to you. Alone.”

James’s eyebrows rose questioningly at me but I was already pulling Severus down the corridor and out of earshot.

“What the bloody hell is your problem?” I burst, shoving him roughly when we came across a deserted corridor.

“I just thought… you needed to know,” Severus mumbled, rubbing his neck absently.

"Brilliant plan, genius,” I growled irritably.

“But… why are you still friends with him then?” Severus asked and I stared at him blankly.

“I don’t know… why are you still friends with a mudblood?” I replied acidly and I saw Severus flinch at the term.

“That’s not the same,” Severus shook his head. “It doesn’t matter to me what your blood status is, that’s not important.”

“Just like it doesn’t matter to me what Remus was bitten by,” I said pointedly and I saw that Severus understood. “And you’re a complete hypocrite for judging my friends like that. I know the kind of people you hang around with. I know what they say about my blood status and me. But I care about you, Sev. Not them. So I look the other way and try not to let it bother me. So if you care about me at all, why can’t you do the same?”

“I do care about you,” Severus said, his eyes burning into mine and I had to look away.

“Then why is it so hard for you to understand that they’re my friends?” I asked quietly, staring at my shoes.

Severus stared at me for a moment, opening his mouth once or twice to say something but then thought better of it and remained silent.

“Sev—“ I started, but he cut me off quickly.

“I have to go,” Severus muttered brusquely before he turned abruptly on his heel and stalked off before I could say anything else.

I stared after him for a second before I rolled my eyes irritably to myself and walked back towards where I left James. My conversation with Severus was still running though my head. My friendship with him had become so strained lately… like we were drifting apart and no matter how hard we paddled, we couldn’t quite make it back to each other even though we were floating down the same river.

James was still standing outside our compartment with his arms folded across his chest, staring out the window at the countryside passing by.

“James,” I said tentatively as I approached him. “I’m really sorry about that. What Sev said about me hating you… well, I think you understand.”

“Can I ask you something?” I ventured, not wanting to drag out the subject, but curiosity burned deeply in me.

“Go ahead,” James shrugged.

“How does Severus know… about Remus?” I asked and any hint of amusement left on James’s face vanished immediately.

“Ah…well,” James faltered, his voice devoid of any emotion. “That’s not exactly… It’s… complicated.”

I raised a questioning eyebrow at him and he let out a deep sigh.

“Look, it’s just not… something I’m too proud of,” James said, his eyebrows furrowing.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I assured him, resting my scarred hand on his arm, trying desperately not to notice how warm he was or how I could feel his muscles under his jumper.

“It’s just… maybe another time,” James looked down at me and I could see that this, like my breakup with Alex, was just something he couldn’t talk about. So I let it go.

“Another time,” I agreed, my eyes meeting his and I knew he and I were thinking the same thing. He’d tell me his secret when I told him mine. 

"Want to go back in?" James suggested, nodding his head towards the compartment where our friends were. "I want to see how many insults Sirius can take before he gives Mary her shoes back."

"I think one more crack at his manliness should do it," I suppressed a giggle and James smiled at me, making me completely forget that I had wanted to change into my robes as I followed him back into our compartment.

“It’s very important that you put the frozen ashrinder eggs in only after you’ve stirred seventeen times clockwise. The number of stirs is essential here,” Professor Slughorn was wandering around the room as we each poured over our hot cauldrons.

Amortentia, as it turned out, were even more difficult than Veritaserum. Though love potions could be made within the span of one class period, the work involved was astronomical. My eyes were beginning to ache with how diligently I stared at my potion, looking for any sign that something had gone wrong.

Mary was muttering curses under her breath as her potion hissed quietly and Amy nearly burst into tears when hers started issuing pink bubbles into the air. Severus on the other hand, had somehow remained perfectly calm throughout the entire class. I still hadn’t spoken to him since our conversation on the train and even though he’d been sitting next to me for the past two hours, he had yet to say a word to me other than “pass the lovage”. 

Severus had just finished his potion and Slughorn was now inspecting it. His potion had of course turned out perfectly. Steam rose in small spirals from the lustrous pearl-colored liquid. He hadn’t even broken a sweat. What a jerk.

“Very good, Mister Snape,” Slughorn boomed, clapping him on the shoulder before addressing the class. “Now, we can’t actually test our potions by drinking them, that would be disastrous. But there’s a very simple alternative. Love potions smell differently to each person so once you’ve finished, all you have to do is simply smell your potion. I’m sure you all know about pheromones… this is somewhat similar. These smells will be what is most attractive to you… so if you smell dung, you’ve probably made your potion wrong.”

Slughorn chuckled and the class responded with a weak smile, all of us too exhausted to pretend to be amused by him.

“Mister Snape, care to test your potion for us?” Slughorn turned back to Severus, who blanched as the entire class’s attention was turned to him.

Sev hesitated for a moment before quickly breathing in the scent that emanated from his potion.

“Erm… it smells… good,” Severus faltered and a few chuckles rippled around the room. Slughorn stared at him attentively, an amused smile spreading beneath his enormous mustache. “Like… old books, and lavender... a-and cool summer nights.”

I saw Amy’s and Mares’ gaze flicker to me for an instant and I tried to stop the blush that was creeping into my cheeks.

Severus snapped his mouth shut and quickly busied himself bottling his potion. There were titters around the room and a bit of laughter. It was pretty clear to everyone else whom he was talking about…

“Well, you have twenty more minutes to finish up,” Slughorn pulled out an ornate gold pocket watch to check the time. “Once you’ve finished I just need a labeled flask of your potion put on the shelves. You may clear everything else away. I must impress upon you not to taste your potions. It will only end in embarrassment for you.”

There was a flurry of motion in the classroom, everyone trying to finish their potions. I carefully picked up two ashrinder eggs, freezing them with a simple charm before dropping them into my potion.

I felt Slughorn’s presence behind me and I prayed to whatever deity was listening that my potion didn’t explode in my face.

I let out an immense sigh of relief when my potion turned a glossy pearl color and began steaming subtly.

“Very good, Miss Evans!” Slughorn boomed and I saw Mary glare at me across the table, a streak of yellow sneezewort smeared across one of her cheeks.

I let my wand fall onto the table as I wiped the sweat from my forehead.

“Now,” Slughorn said moving around to the side of my table to inspect my potion more closely. “Care to test it?”

I leaned forward slightly, letting the spiral columns of steam wrap around my face as the scent overwhelmed me. I was barely aware that Severus was bottling his potion absurdly slowly, lingering at the table while I tested my potion. What was he hoping to hear, the same thing he said? If he liked me so much, why hadn’t he ever told me? And why hadn’t he spoken to me for nearly a week?

“It smells like…” I paused, inhaling again. The scent was so wonderful I never wanted it to go away. “Like… lilies, and hazelnut coffee and… freshly-made donuts…”

I snapped my mouth shut, suddenly realizing what I was describing. Amy and Mary exchanged an amused look while Severus frowned, furrowed his brow, and swept away from the table to put his sample on the shelves, clearly unsatisfied with my assessment.

“Very good, Miss Evans,” Slughorn rumbled, a knowing smile stretching widely beneath his mustache.

I quickly bottled a sample of my potion and began cleaning up.

“Lily can you go put our samples on the shelves?” Amy asked, handing me hers and Mary’s flasks. “We’ll clean everything up here.”

“Sure,” I nodded, taking their flasks. Before I turned towards the shelves I saw Amy and Mary exchange another look that I didn’t quite understand, but I figured they were still obsessing over what my love potion smelled like.

After class let out, we all walked towards lunch. Severus had disappeared as soon as his cauldron was clean and I was glad he didn’t accompany us. His love potion aroma had me on edge… I couldn’t just ignore that his love potion clearly described me. But it didn’t make things any easier…

“Did you smell anything interesting in your potions?” I asked Amy and Mares as we made our way to the Great Hall.

“Mine kept hissing at me,” Mares scowled. “But I thought I smelled shoe polish at one point… though, that can’t be right.”

“Mine smelled faintly like roses, but it was bubbling too much for me to really tell….” Amy said as we walked between the rows of tables towards our usual spot.

“Say, Lily… didn’t you tell us James brought you coffee and donuts while you were in York?” Mary asked, her voice thick with implication.

“Yes, and if you mention it again I’ll hex those pretty red lips of yours right off,” I growled at her and she and Ames burst out laughing as the Marauders joined us at the table.

“I’d really rather you didn’t do that,” Sirius said plopping down next to me at the table. “First of all, she’d look like a snake. Secondly, how would anyone be able to snog her if she didn’t have lips?”

Sirius winked at Mary who blushed furiously and suddenly became very interested in assembling her sandwich.

“How’d your potion turn out, Sirius?” Anna asked. “Any interesting smells?”

“Well, I think I smelled strawberries at one point,” Sirius said, scratching his chin absently. “But then cheese became the most overpowering odor. That could be because I was standing next to Peter though.”

“What’s wrong with cheese?” Peter asked genuinely, his mouth half full of the crackers and cheese he’d been eating.

“What about you, James?” Amy asked and I shot her a glare.

“Huh?” James asked, his mouth full of bread.

“Your potion?” Amy repeated, an amused smile on her face.

“Oh… err… ,” James faltered, taking another bite of his sandwich as he thought. “It smelled like … I don’t know, something floral, I think…don’t really remember.”

“I thought you said it smelled like lavender and hazelnut,” Sirius frowned at him, and James choked on his food.

I stared at him blankly, trying not to read anything into it but Sirius flashed a smile at me and I quickly dropped my eyes to my empty plate.

“Lily, you mind pouring us some pumpkin juice?” Amy asked, nodding towards the pitcher in front of her.

“Why can’t you do it?” I scoffed, reaching across the table nonetheless to pour everyone a glass.

“My hands are covered in jam,” Mary supplied, brandishing her sticky fingers in my face and I wrinkled my nose.

“You’re like a toddler sometimes,” I smirked as I set the empty pitcher down next to me.

“Yeah, I really should go clean myself up,” Mary sighed, scooting herself away from the table. As she pushed herself back, she jerked the table forward, sending my glass of pumpkin juice spilling all over the table and onto Amy.

“Oh no, Ames I’m so sorry!” Mary apologized as the orange liquid stained Amy’s shirt. Anna leapt back from the table, dabbing at her shirt frantically.

“Damn,” Mary muttered, setting my now empty glass upright. “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up. We’ll meet up with you in Transfiguration, Lily!”

Mary and Amy hurried from the table and disappeared from the Great Hall before I could even say anything. It wasn’t like Mary to spill things… she was the most graceful one of us. And Amy could have easily cleaned her shirt right there with magic. There was something weird going on with them today…

As there was no pumpkin juice left, I poured myself a glass of water and finished my lunch with the Marauders, talking about inconsequential things like our upcoming apparition classes and when we’d all be able to take the test.

“Can’t take the test until March,” James muttered bitterly, swirling his untouched pumpkin juice around in his glass. “It’s complete bollocks.”

“At least you only have to wait until March,” Sirius scoffed before nodding at me. “My birthday’s not until July.”

“I think Apparating’s overrated,” Remus shook his head at his friends. “Where on earth do you need to go so bad that you need to be able to Apparate?”

“You’re only saying that because you’re already of age,” Sirius grumbled, “And can take the test as soon as we finish our lessons.”

“It could be worse,” Remus said pointedly, nodding towards Peter. “Pete doesn’t turn seventeen until next September.”

We all glanced over at Peter and I was surprised to see that he was staring at me with a strange expression on his face, his empty glass of pumpkin juice clutched loosely in his hand.

“You alright, Wormtail?” James clapped his friend on the shoulder. “You’ve got that look on your face like when Lorna Andrews told you she fancied you and you passed out.”

“I… wha?” Peter muttered, still maintaining eerily intense eye contact with me.

“Never mind,” Sirius chuckled, rolling his eyes at his friend before turning to me. “What about you, Evans?”

“What about me what?” I asked, still aware that Peter was staring at me.

“When can you take the test?” James repeated in an infuriatingly condescending voice. I glared at him before answering.

“Only a couple weeks,” I shrugged. Like Remus, it didn’t make much of a difference to me when I took the test.

“Awesome!” Sirius’s face lit up. “I didn’t know your birthday was so soon. You having a party?”

I snorted out a laugh. “Absolutely not.”

“Why not?” Sirius asked, his full attention on me now. Remus was slowly shaking his head at his friend’s enthusiasm and Peter was still staring at me.

“Because party’s aren’t really my thing,” I shrugged again. “I’ll probably just spend the night studying.”

“No.” James said flatly, quickly jumping on board with Sirius. “We’re throwing you a party.”

“No, no, no,” I said quickly, shaking my finger at him. “I’ve been to your parties before. Absolutely not.”

“Ah come on, Evans,” James nudged me in the side. I cringed slightly at how he had slipped back into the infuriating use of my surname. “You don’t turn seventeen everyday.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I contradicted, uncomfortable with the thought of having a party entirely devoted to a stupid number.

“No point in arguing,” Sirius clucked, rolling his eyes. “It’s already decided.”

“Bloody idiots,” I muttered and I heard Remus chuckle quietly.

Lunch was soon interrupted by the afternoon bell, Sirius and James’s scheming was cut short, much to my relief. We all traipsed to Transfiguration class and I took my seat between Mary and Ames, the latter of which was sporting a clean shirt now.

I quickly filled them in on James and Sirius’s party idea, hoping they would know me well enough to persuade them to call it off.

Much to my chagrin, they were both completely ecstatic about the idea of a party in honor of my birthday.

“Come on, Lily,” Mary said softly as McGonagall swept into the classroom. “What better way to show them once and for all how relaxed you’ve become? And one little party couldn’t hurt, right?”

“If you say so,” I grumbled, finally surrendering. 

McGonagall began the day’s lesson and everyone fell silent. I tried very hard to pay attention but I found my thoughts drifting away from switching spells. I was preoccupied instead by thoughts of birthday parties (during which I was already planning on hiding in a broom closet), Amy’s and Mares’ odd behavior today, and love potions.

I let my eyes drift around the room, validating my lack of attention with the fact that I knew switching spells backwards and forwards by now. Mary was doodling stars all over her parchment and Amy was taking vague notes, her hazel eyes drifting in and out of focus.

I glanced across the room and stiffened when I noticed all four of the Marauders staring in my direction with odd expressions on their faces. It was one thing when Peter stared… but all of them? Was this some kind of joke?

“Mares,” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth. “Any idea as to why the Marauders are staring at us?”

Mary glanced over at them inconspicuously and then leaned her head closer to mine.

“They’re not staring at us,” Mary whispered back, a knowing smile spreading across her face. “They’re staring at you. Quite intensely, I might add.”

I snuck another look at them. Peter was still gaping, mouth half open at me like he had been all during lunch. Remus was a bit more subtle about it, sneaking glances every couple seconds between taking notes. Sirius was giving me a hard stare, like one gives a very difficult Arithmancy problem.

And James… well, I tried not to linger on him. But I couldn’t ignore that I actually liked the way he was looking at me. It was an intense gaze, but not intimidating. His dark brows were furrowed but his hazel eyes were soft, like he was trying to figure something out.

“Lily,” Amy whispered to me when McGonagall turned around to write something on the board. “Why are the Marauders staring at you like that? Did you flash them at lunch or something?”

I rolled my eyes. “No, of course I didn’t. I have no idea.”

For the rest of the lesson I tried very hard to ignore the eyes burning holes in me from across the room. I wondered if this was just some kind of prank they were pulling… but to what purpose? Or were they still just trying to plan my birthday party?

The bell sounding at the end of class could not have been more welcoming. I wanted to get out from under their watchful stares. Ames, Mares, and I made our way out of the castle to the greenhouses for Herbology, our last class of the day. The January air was cold and we hugged our robes around us. As we approached the greenhouses I noticed a figure standing just outside the door. I groaned internally when I saw that it was Peter.

“Pete, aren’t you cold out here?” I asked, trying to keep my voice friendly though he was giving me that same odd look he’d been giving me all day.

“Huh?” Peter asked, his eyes not leaving my face. “Oh, I didn’t really notice the cold.”

“Well, I think class is about to start,” I supplied, my eyes flitting to Ames and Mares who were both suppressing giggles at Peter’s peculiar behavior. “We should go inside.”

“I’ll go anywhere you want, as long as you’re there,” Peter said in a low, intense voice and my eyes widened.

“Alright…?” I said slowly. Ames and Mares were beside themselves, barely able to contain their laughter anymore.

I turned abruptly and hurried into the greenhouse, hoping beyond hope that Peter didn’t try to sit with us. A sigh of relief escaped me when he broke off from us to go sit with the Marauders, who were all giving him equally miffed looks. As soon as he sat down with them they all leaned their heads together in an intense discussion.

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” I hissed to Amy and Mary who were doubled over on each other, laughing hysterically.

But they were too busy laughing to answer me so I dragged them over to our seats and sat down roughly.

“S-sorry, Lily,” Amy said between bouts of laughter. “We didn’t think they’d be this intense about it. Your potion must have been really strong.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked flatly, dread flooding through me.

“W-we snuck some of your potion out after class,” Mary giggled despite the icy glare I was giving her. “And put it in the pumpkin juice at lunch. That’s why I spilled yours, so you wouldn’t drink any.”

“You didn’t,” I hissed, but Mary and Ames nodded guiltily.

“We thought it would be funny,” Amy shrugged, still shaking with laughter. “Come on, they’re always pranking people, but who’s ever pranked them aside from you exploding James’s cauldron?”

“And a love potion is perfect,” Mary said, a mischievous grin spreading across her face. “You remember what Slughorn said? The drinker won’t remember anything that happened afterwards. They’ll all make fools of themselves falling at your feet and have no idea after.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I scoffed angrily.

“Come on, Lily,” Amy said, her voice softening. “It’s just a bit of fun.”

“I can’t believe you two,” I hissed at them. “Carrington already hates my guts for that weekend in December. What do you think she’ll do if she sees James following me around like a puppy, making goo-goo eyes at me all day? It’ll be a miracle if I don’t end up in the hospital wing.”

“I think you’re taking this too seriously,” Mary shook her head at me and I huffed incredulously.

“I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough,” I contradicted her.

“Come on, what happened to the Lily who was laid back and didn’t care if we pulled pranks or broke the rules?” Amy asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow at me.

“This is different,” I hissed as Professor Sprout swept past us towards the front of the green house. “That was before…”

“Before you started having feelings for James?” Mary interrupted me and I sent her a withering stare.

“No,” I insisted.

“You’re just afraid that if this love potion makes him confess some lovey-dovey feelings for you, you’ll actually like it,” Mary hissed back at me and I stared at her, stunned.

“That’s bollocks,” I whispered as forcefully as I could. “And I’m not talking about this anymore. What’s done is done.”

Mary stared at me for a second and then rolled her vivid blue eyes, turning her attention to Professor Sprout who had begun the lesson.

“Lily, I’m sorry,” Amy whispered quietly to me. “We didn’t think you’d get mad about it… it was just supposed to be funny.”

“It’s ok,” I sighed, feeling bad for snapping at my friends. “I’ll just… sneak them the antidote at dinner or something. It’ll be fine.”

But dinner came and went with no sign of the Marauders. I didn’t know why, but that only made me more nervous. The Marauders never missed dinner. Whatever their reason, I was sure it wasn’t good.

The evening was so quiet without the Marauders around, in fact that I was able to get all of my work done for the entire week. It’s amazing how simple my life would be without the Marauders…Sigh, a girl can only dream.

After a few hours of stony silence, Mary had begrudgingly apologized for the prank with the love potion. Amy, who had been apologizing to me every five minutes all night, nearly succumbed to tears when Mary and I shared a fist bump, and a “we’re good”.

Since nothing dramatic had come from the love potion, the three of us safely assumed that the potion had simply worn off after a while and the Marauders were probably out planning some prank. No harm had come of it, like Mary had assured me and I felt thoroughly silly for overreacting.

Amy and Mary bid me goodnight as I set out for my night patrol and I aimlessly wandered the halls killing time. This time of year it was usually too cold for most students to wander the halls at night so there really wasn’t much for me to do.

I turned the corner to inspect the second floor by the Charms classroom and ran right into someone, sending me sprawling to the floor in the most ungraceful way imaginable.

“Merlin, I’m so sorry!” A male voice came and I felt strong hands lift me off the floor. I shook away the stars flitting back and forth in front of my eyes and saw that it was Sirius Black who had picked me up.

“Oh, hey Sirius!” I said, strangely glad to see him. Weird as it was, I was actually enjoying my friendship with him. That boy definitely knew how to keep me entertained.

“Lily!” Sirius gasped as he recognized me and in his surprise he let go of me, sending me toppling back down to the floor. “Damn! I’m sorry!”

He rushed forward to help me up again but I shooed his hands away, laughing.

“I think you’ve done enough damage already; I can pick myself up,” I chuckled, brushing the dirt from the floor off my skirt. Sirius stared at me apologetically while I dusted myself off.

“So where’ve you been all night?” I asked conversationally when Sirius didn’t say anything. “You guys kind of disappeared after class.”

“You noticed I was gone?” Sirius asked, his silver eyes brightening as he gazed at me.

“Err… yeah?” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. Maybe the love potion hadn’t quite worn off as we thought it had. “Well, when there was enough food at dinner for third and fourth helpings and none of the Slytherins spontaneously sprouted antlers, we realized you and your friends were missing.”

“Ugh,” Sirius groaned, suddenly irritated. “Don’t even talk to me about my so-called friends.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, tilting my head to the side in mock concern. “You lot have a lover’s quarrel?”

“They just don’t understand,” Sirius said dramatically, flailing his arms out to the side. “They don’t get it.”

“What don’t they get?” I asked, trying very hard to suppress my smile. Maybe Mary was right… love potions were fun.  Just as long as Sirius didn’t try to snog me.

Sirius snapped his head towards me and his expression instantly softened as his eyes focused on my face.

“They don’t understand what it’s like to be in love,” Sirius said intensely, taking a step towards me.

“Sirius,” I said tenderly, patting him on the shoulder. I could barely keep a straight face anymore. “If you’re so in love with James, why don’t you just tell him? I’m sure he’d appreciate your honesty, and he might even feel the same way. I see the way he looks at you sometimes.”

“James?” Sirius’s face crumpled in confusion. “I’m not in love with James.”

“My mistake,” I smirked, unable to contain my smile anymore.

“Lily,” Sirius took another step towards me. “I’m in love with yo—“

“Stop right there!” A voice called from the end of the corridor. Sirius and I both whirled around to see Remus Lupin stomping angrily towards us. His face was contorted with rage, his hands clenched into fists at his side.

“Excuse us, Lupin,” Sirius sneered at his friend. “We were just having a private conversation if you don’t mind.”

Remus came to an abrupt stop in front of us, scowling. “I absolutely do mind.”

“Why don’t you let Lily and I finish our conversation and then we’ll see if she still even wants to talk to you,” Sirius said patting Remus condescendingly on the head before sending a suggestive wink my way. I gagged quietly into my sleeve.

“You shouldn’t even be out this late,” Remus shot back at him lamely. “I should give you detention.”

“Detention?” Sirius let out a laugh. “You’re not even a prefect anymore, you can’t do anything. I can be out as late as I want to be.”

“Actually,” I interjected quietly, “Neither of you should be out of bed right now.”

Both of the boys turned to look at me, all traces of anger vanishing instantly from their faces. They gave me a tender smile and then snapped their heads back towards each other, their rivalry renewed.

“I found her first,” Sirius hissed childishly. “Therefore, she’s mine.”

“But she likes me better,” Remus retorted. “We’ve been friends longer.”

“I’m more attractive!” Sirius burst hysterically.

“I’m smarter!” Remus countered, and I nearly laughed at how the two of them were nose to nose by now.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius straightened up, trying to look intimidating.

“Yeah,” Remus said deeply, his chin jerking up slightly.

“Oh my gosh, look out behind you!” Sirius said suddenly pointing to something behind Remus who whirled around. “It’s the moon! Run, Lupin! Before it gets you!”

Remus’s tensed stance relaxed when he realized there was nothing there and Sirius was doubled over in laughed.

“Lily,” Sirius said breathlessly, turning his face towards me. “D’you really want some bloke who’s afraid of the moon?”

“You’re such a git, Black,” Remus growled, kicking Sirius in the shins.

“Oy, watch it!” Sirius snapped as he staggered backwards into the corridor wall.

“Ok, guys,” I finally interrupted, stepping between them and pushing them away from each other with my hands on their chests. “That’s enough.”

“You decide then,” Remus said, his blue eyes resting tenderly on mine. “Who do you like better? Me? Or that womanizing prat.”

I heard Sirius growl on the other side of me but I ignored him.

“Well, it’s such a hard choice,” I said diplomatically. “I don’t think I can decide this by myself. Why don’t we go see what Professor Slughorn thinks?”

I slid my hands down each of their arms and took them by the hand, starting to pull them towards the Potion Master’s office before they could protest.

Thankfully we didn’t run into anyone as I led them quickly through the halls towards the dungeons. Sirius and Remus had started up their “who’s smarter” argument again and I just let them go at it, feeling it was better to have them distracted lest they realize why I’m actually taking them to Slughorn.

We rounded the corner towards Slughorn’s office and for the second time that night, I ran right into someone.

“Sorry!” I apologized quickly, not even bothering to see who I’d just run into. I tugged on Remus and Sirius’s hands, urging them towards the Potions professor’s office.

“Lily, wait!” I heard a familiar voice say and I stopped in my tracks.

“Sev?” I turned slowly towards him, letting go of Remus and Sirius. “What are you doing out so late?”

“I was looking for you, actually,” Severus stammered, his dark eyes flitting briefly to the love-drunk boys I was towing behind me.

“Oh, now you want to talk?” I rolled my eyes irritably at him. Of all the times…

“Lily, I’m sorry,” Severus apologized urgently. “You don’t understand how difficult—“

“Save your breath,” I cut him off. “I get it. You clearly value the company of your so-called friends over me. That’s fine. I’m done.”

“That’s not it at all,” Severus contradicted, his voice pleading. “Please, just listen—“

“Look, Sev,” I interrupted him again. “I’m kind of busy at the moment. Can we talk about this later?”

“No,” Severus said sternly and my eyes widened at him. “There’s something I really need to say to you, and if I don’t do it now I never will.”

“Give me five minutes, Sev,” I said as Remus and Sirius started fidgeting and slapping each other. “If you wait here, I’ll be back—“

“I love you, Lily,” Severus blurted and I gaped at him.

 “Excuse me?” I whispered, dangerously close to breaking into hysterics.

“I love you,” Severus said again, his dark eyes intense on my face.

“Yeah, well get in line, Snivellus,” Sirius said, leaning around me to look at him. “We love her, too.”

As my gaze shifted from Sirius back to Severus, something clicked in my brain. Mary McDonald sure had some nerve…

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake. Not you too,” I muttered irritably, rolling my eyes at Severus. I gave a heavy sigh and reached forward to grab his hand.  “Alright, Sev. Come on, join the party.”

I started pulling him along with us towards Slughorn’s office, ignoring his feeble protests and I knocked loudly on the professor’s door. Behind me, Remus and Sirius had gotten into another slapping match and Severus was babbling something about how his feelings for me were true and honest.

Yeah, that’s what they all say, Sev.

I heard shuffling from behind the door, which opened a moment later to reveal a rather disheveled Professor Slughorn.

“Miss Evans?” Slughorn mumbled, confusion crossing his face. “What’s the meaning of this? Merlin’s beard, it’s after midnight!”

“I’m so sorry to wake you, Professor,” I apologized swiftly. “But these students seem to have ingested some rather potent love potion.”

I shot all three of them withering looks. Remus and Sirius flashed goofy grins at me while Severus still sputtered protests.

“She’s brilliant, isn’t she professor?” Sirius said in an awe-struck voice as he gazed fondly at me.

“I see…” Slughorn’s moustache quivered as his eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch. “Well, Miss Evans, I’ll get them sorted out. Thank you for bringing them; I’ll send them on their way after I administer the antidote. You may go back to patrol.”

“Thank you, Professor,” I said earnestly, backing out of his door.

“Professor, I’m not drugged!” Severus protested and Slughorn clapped him on the back tenderly.

“Of course you’re not, my boy,” Slughorn said sympathetically.

“Lily, tell him! I’m not—“ Severus turned pleading eyes on me but I shut the door quickly, drowning out his voice. I think I knew deep down that Severus hadn’t been drugged with Love potion… But it was much easier to delude myself into thinking that he was. I had enough problems already.

I strode through the halls, trying to think of anything but Severus. I only had a little bit more time left on my patrol so I simply wandered through the halls, slowly making my way back towards Gryffindor tower.

I let my mind wander away from love potions towards the party James and Sirius were planning to throw me. What was I so worried about? I’d never actually been to a real Marauder party for more than five minutes before… so why was I dreading it so much? The Marauders had never been caught throwing a party, so that was a pointless thing to worry about.

Was I worried about drinking? It was true that I’d never been completely drunk before, and I didn’t intend on getting so… so maybe my anxiety over this party was totally groundless. Maybe Mary had a point… if I let them throw me this party, it really would show them once and for all how relaxed I’d become. And if I actually enjoyed it, maybe I would finally convince myself of how laid back I’d become…

“Lily?” A voice startled me and I whirled towards it, breathing a deep sigh of relief when I saw that it was only James. He was at least allowed to be out this late.

“Hi,” I said, tucking my withdrawn wand back into my pocket. “Just finishing patrol?”

“Actually, I was looking for you,” James said, falling into step beside me as we walked slowly through the sixth floor corridor.

“Were you, now?” I asked in an amused voice. I didn’t fancy another trip back to Slughorn’s office, but I supposed I should get James the antidote as well, though he didn’t seem all that love-drunk…

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” James said hesitantly, his fingers twisting together in front of him. Then again, maybe he was a little love-drunk. He didn’t even notice that I’d just abruptly changed our path to take us back to the dungeons.

“Oh? I can’t imagine what you would want to talk to me about…” I muttered, rolling my eyes to myself. It was one thing for Remus, Sirius, and Peter to go all gaga for me, but an entirely other thing with James… the sooner we got to the dungeons the better. This could only end badly…

“Could we stop walking for a moment?” James asked and I paused, turning towards him while keeping my face carefully guarded.

“Alright,” I sighed. “What is it you wanted to talk about?”

“Well… it’s just,” James faltered, his eyes dropping from my face. His hands fidgeted in his pockets. “I… well, lately I’ve been feeling…”

“Spit it out, James,” I said impatiently, wanting to get this over with. Why weren’t we closer to the dungeons? I couldn’t do this… I couldn’t hear this.

Merlin’s beard, Mary was right about that, too… I couldn’t hear this from James because I knew I would like it! But how much would this hurt tomorrow when things were back to normal?

“It’s just… I like you, Lily,” James said finally, lifting his eyes to mine.  “A lot. In fact… I think I may be falling in love with you.”

“Ok,” I said numbly, trying to keep my face neutral and ignore the chills that crept up my spine at his words. “Can we go now?”

It was taking an enormous amount of self-control to keep myself from getting lost in those damn hazel eyes of his. I concentrated all of my effort on making my feet move, carrying me closer to the dungeons.

Don’t you see that what you need,

Is standing in front of you?

Bloody hell. Why was that song stuck in my head? And before I knew it, I remembered how we stared into each other’s eyes in the flower shop.

“Well, what do you think?” James asked tentatively as he followed me.

“What do I think of what?” I snapped, picking up my pace. We were nearly there. Just a few more—

“Lily,” James grabbed my hand, pulling me around to face him. “I’m… I’m in love with you.”

“That’s nice,” I said in a strained voice. This isn’t the real James talking, I reminded myself acidly. He doesn’t love you. It’s just the love potion talking! Get out! Go! Move!

“Well… don’t you… love me, too?” James asked, his face falling slightly at my indifference.

“I… I…” I stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence when he stared at me like that. He took a step closer to me while my mouth stumbled over the rejection I wanted—I had to say.

But James didn’t wait for my response and before I could object, his lips were on mine and every part of my body was suddenly alive, as if someone had lit my very soul on fire. I let myself get lost in his kiss, ignoring the part of my brain that was screaming for me to stop.

Right when you think you know what to say,

Someone comes along and shows you a brand new way…

James’s hands slid up my sides to my jaw and I felt him brush my hair gently away from my face. I sighed into his kiss, not able to resist the softness of his lips and how they caressed mine in the most perfect way. It had never been like this with Alex. It hadn’t even been like this with Amos… It was like kissing an angel.

Albeit, an angel hell-bent on destroying everything I thought I knew. What happened to the Lily Evans who hated James Potter’s guts? Well, she was currently snogging his face off in the dungeons. Ugh, I disgust myself sometimes.

“Lily?” A voice thundered down the corridor towards us and I quickly shoved James away from me. He didn’t even pay attention to the fact that Severus Snape was marching angrily towards us from the dungeons, his rope whipping violently behind him. James was looking at me with the most peculiar expression on his face, like a man who’d just woken up from a wonderful dream to find that it had come true.

I ran my hands distraughtly through my hair, turning towards Severus whose dark eyes were flashing dangerously, his gaze fixed on James.

“Sev,” I said, my mind desperately trying to think of some excuse for what he’d just seen. “I was just trying to bring James to Slughorn… he’s been love potion-ed, too.”

“Didn’t seem like you were trying too hard,” Severus said angrily, finally turning his furious gaze on me.

“Sev, come on,” I said desperately, becoming slightly nervous at the deranged look on his face. “You saw Remus and Sirius earlier…. I’m not lying. He really has been drugged.”

James was still staring at me with a goofy grin on his face and that only seemed to upset Severus more.

“So your reaction was to snog him?” Severus growled, his eyes flashing down to my hand where James was trying to entwine his fingers with mine. I quickly shook him off.

“He kissed me,” I explained hastily, hoping beyond hope that Severus would calm down. There was something so dangerous about him when he was mad.

“Didn’t look like you were trying too hard to stop him,” Severus snapped.

“That’s because she was enjoying it,” James smiled haughtily.

 “James, shut it,” I snapped back at him and he smiled affectionately at me. “Severus, you know it’s not like that,” I said turning back to him.

“No, Lily,” Severus shook his head. “Stop lying to yourself. I tell you I’m in love with you and you pretend like I’ve taken a love potion. He says it and you’re all over him. I’ve had enough of this… you’ve dragged my heart up and down these halls for years. You knew how I felt about you.”

“I didn’t,” I objected as Severus’s dark eyes flashed with anger. “You never said anything until tonight… how was I supposed to know?”

“Come on, it was pretty damn obvious, Lily,” Severus growled, his face twisting with pain. “I waited while you wasted your time with that idiot Hufflepuff and comforted you for weeks after he broke up with you.”

“Sev,” I said weakly, dropping my hands to my side. But Severus kept going.

“I even watched while you went on a date with Diggory, all along hoping that you might give me the time of day,” Severus went on, pain flashing behind his dark eyes. “I’ve been there for you since the very beginning… since before you even knew you were a witch. How can you just ignore that? How can you not see it? And then at the Christmas party we were finally together and I thought that maybe you might want to be with me too… but then you ran off with him.”

Severus jerked his head towards James who was skipping in circles around me, blowing kisses.

“I didn’t run off with him, Severus,” I contradicted but Severus just shook his head, a half-amused smile twisting his mouth.

“I’m sick of pretending that some day you’ll feel the same about me when it’s pretty damn obvious that you want him. Gosh, him of all people, Lily,” Severus said in a frustrated voice, an edge of despair and anger to it.

“I don’t,” I argued but Severus scoffed. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

“No matter how many times you say it, I can see it in your eyes,” Severus shook his head at me. “I should have know from the very beginning… What else would you expect from a mudblood?”

And there it was. Again.

That one little word.

James stopped skipping around me abruptly, his head jerking towards Severus as if he’d just snapped completely out of his love-induced trance.

“What did you just call her?” James demanded, marching up to Severus who was several inches shorter than him.

Severus didn’t answer, but continued to glare at me with icy black eyes. And behind all that anger, I could see pools of sadness swimming around. It made me feel even worse. It felt like my entire body had turned to ice. Tears welled up in my eyes at this final betrayal, but I couldn’t open my mouth.

“You know, I think you’re just jealous because Lily loves me and not you,” James said, giving Severus poke in the shoulder with his finger.

I knew instantly that this was the breaking point. Everything was finally falling apart. Before I could stop him, Severus whipped his wand from his pocket and had it pointed at James, who backed away slightly with his hands raised.

“Relax, mate,” James said, the cheeriness vanishing from his voice as he realized that Severus posed a threat to him.

“Severus, stop!” I took a step towards him, attempting to get him to lower his wand, but he was too strong for me and he shook me off.

In the moment that Severus was distracted by me, James reached for his own wand but before he could I heard Severus mutter something quickly under his breath. There was a brilliant flash of red light and James collapsed to the floor with a yelp.

Everything fell utterly silent then. My heart hammered in my chest as I stared at the place where James had fallen and remained unmoving. I heard Severus’s ragged breath beside me.

I had no idea what spell he had just used on James. I’d never heard those words before. It wasn’t in any of the spellbooks I’d ever read. What had he done?

I gasped suddenly as a line of red seeped through James’s shirt across his chest. I lurched forwards towards him, my hands shaking terribly as I knelt down next to him and began unbuttoning his shirt where the blood seeped through.

“Oh, gosh,” I breathed, taking in the sight of the long crooked gash across his chest from his left shoulder nearly to the bottom of his ribs on the right.

James’s breath came in short bursts and his eyes flew open as he came to. Pain swam in his eyes, which were fixed on the ceiling, his jaw clenched as he tried to hold in the scream of agony I knew he wanted to release.

I looked back towards Severus who was standing stock still, his wand still aimed at where James had just been standing. I thought I saw a hint of regret flash in his dark eyes as they met mine but before I could say anything, he turned and sprinted down the corridor and out of sight. The bloody coward.

I looked back down to James and winced. Blood continued staining his skin, his shirt, my hands….He was going to bleed to death if I didn’t do something soon. But what could I do? I didn’t even know what spell Severus had used… And he had just left us here! How could he?

Without waiting for any rational thought to occur, I grabbed my wand and in a shaky voice whispered, “Accio dittany!”

We were close enough to the potions classroom that a small bottle of clear liquid zoomed through the door and into my hand. I unstopped the bottle and tried my best to keep my hands from shaking as I dripped the liquid onto the long gash.

James hissed violently as the dittany touched his skin and his body contorted in reaction to the increased pain. The places where the dittany touched sizzled slightly but the bleeding slowed.

“Shh,” I tried to hold him still, my hands leaving bloody prints on the clean parts of his shirt. “T-try to stay still. I know it hurts. I’ll make it stop, I p-promise.”

James’s body continued to twist in pain as more blood gushed from the parts of the wound I hadn’t put dittany. But the bottle was nearly empty… there wasn’t enough to stop it…

A sob escaped from me as the hopelessness of the situation overwhelmed me. I couldn’t just leave him here to get help. It might be too late by the time I got him to the hospital wing. And Severus had just abandoned us.

“What on earth is going on—Oh, my word!” A voice from the end of the hall startled us, but I felt relief flood through me as Professor Slughorn emerged from his office and rushed towards us. Behind him, Remus and Sirius stumbled out of his office, looking slightly dazed but relieved of their love potion- induced trances.

Both of the boys stopped abruptly when they saw me bent over James on the floor and they simultaneously rushed towards him behind the professor, curses slipping from both of their mouths.

“P-p-please, help him” I stuttered, moving aside as Slughorn quickly knelt down next to James, pulling his shirt aside. I saw his face twist into a grimace as he inspected James’s injury.

“What on earth happened here?” Slughorn said in a shaky voice as he pulled his wand from his robes and began waving it over James’s chest.

“I don’t k-know,” I stuttered as tears spilled from my eyes. Remus and Sirius pulled me to my feet, all of us staring helplessly at James.  “I don’t know what spell he used. I t-t-tried to used d-dittany but there wasn’t enough.”

Slughorn was silent for a moment as he continued moving his wand over James, whose groans of pain slowly ceased and his body relaxed.

“We have to get him to the hospital wing,” Slughorn said sharply, getting to his feet. He pointed his wand at James, who rose into the air with his levitation charm. I followed numbly behind him as he strode towards the Hospital, not saying a word. Sirius reached a comforting arm around me as we silently watched silently Madam Pomfrey help Professor Slughorn get James into a bed. The nurse rushed to her office and came out with an assortment of bottles, pulling the curtain closed around James.

I flinched as I heard a roar of pain from behind the curtain, followed by the old nurse’s voice assuring him that it wouldn’t hurt much longer.

It actually hurt to hear James scream in pain. It was the worst sound I had ever heard. It was literally slicing and dicing my insides in every possible way. And it was even worse when I had partially caused it and I couldn’t even do anything about it. Another yell ripped through the air and something sharp and serrated rammed into me. It was true. Hearing the one you care in pain is really the worse pain there is. I could hear the loud gasps of pain echoing in the infirmary. Images of James bleeding on the bed flooded my mind. His blood staining the pure-white sheets, the light ebbing from his hazel eyes and his twitching growing weaker.

No… Please… I can’t lose James as well… Please… No… Don’t let him leave me…

I can’t lose James. I can’t. I can’t. I prayed feverishly in my head. Not after so much we’ve been through. No… James can’t leave me.

Silent tears were streaming down my face, my bloody hands clasped together in front of me as I stood waiting. Sirius and Remus were exchanging equally confused looks and I knew how bewildering this must be for them.

The potions master finally emerged from behind the curtains and walked towards me.

“Miss Evans,” he said, in a solemn voice, uncharacteristic of him. “I need you to tell me exactly what happened tonight before I showed up.”

Sirius removed his arm from around me as I sank down onto an empty bed. I was afraid I wouldn’t even be able to talk, but as soon as I uttered the first word, the entire night’s events came spilling from my mouth, sparing no details. Professor Slughorn listened attentively without interrupting, while Remus and Sirius’s eyes widened in shock as I recounted my night. I told them everything, every detail about the love potions and what happened with Sirius and Remus before I’d taken them to Slughorn. As embarrassing as it was, I even included the bit about Severus declaring his love for me. It was the only way that Slughorn would understand why Sev was then so upset upon finding James and I.

“It was an a-accident, though” I said after I’d finished telling him how Severus had cursed James. “I don’t think he actually meant to curse James. “

I wasn’t sure why I was lying to protect Severus after everything that had happened tonight. After all, he had hexed James and left him there to die. What obligation did I feel to him? I knew I should feel none… any rational person would.

Of course I knew that whatever happened now, Severus and I could no longer be friends. We were just too different. He had his view of the world, and I had mine, and they could no longer coincide as hard as we tried.  He had chosen the path towards dark magic and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I had to accept his choice. I couldn’t help him anymore… this was all I had left.

“P-please, Professor,” I said as Slughorn considered my story. “I don’t think he meant to actually hurt James…”

“Very well, Miss Evans,” Slughorn said after a moment of silence. “I'll deal with Mr. Snape tomorrow... I appreciate your honesty.”

“Is he going to be alright?” I asked quietly, glancing over at the white sheet that hid James from my view. Sirius and Remus had their heads bent together, muttering between them something I couldn’t make out and they paused to hear Slughorn's reply.

The potions master let out a strained breath. “It will take a few days to heal, but Madam Pomfrey seems to think he’ll be just fine. You’ll all be able to visit him tomorrow, if you wish.”

“How am I supposed to explain what happened?” I sighed, staring at my shoes. “He won’t even remember anything from tonight because of the love potion.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand…” the old professor said uncomfortably and I realized with some embarrassment that I’d essentially just spilled my entire love life to my potions professor, not to mention Sirius and Remus. “In the meantime, however, I would advise you to get some sleep. Forgive my bluntness, but you look like hell.”

I let out a sigh as I pushed myself off the bed, heading towards the door with Sirius and Remus in tow.

“Miss Evans?” I heard Slughorn call after me and I paused in the doorway, turning back towards him. “That was some very quick thinking on your part, using the dittany. You ought consider a career as a healer.”

“Thank you, professor,” I said flatly, my eyes flitting towards the white curtain of James’s bed. “But I think I’d rather be and Auror and stop dark magic before it even happens next time, rather than try to heal the consequences.” 

(James’s POV)

I was no stranger to the hospital wing. Being captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and best friends with a werewolf had its consequences, you know.  So I wasn’t really surprised when I awoke to find myself staring at the familiar high vaulted ceiling of the hospital wing. Though for the life of me, I couldn’t remember why I’d ended up there this particular time…

I blinked into the bright afternoon sunlight filtering through the tall windows. I was vaguely aware of a dull stinging in my chest but I ignored it and tilted my head up.

Two figures were standing at the end of my bed, though they were fuzzy and blurred without my glasses. One I easily recognized as the matronly nurse, Madam Pomfrey and the other… well, the other had long, auburn-colored hair that I would recognize anywhere.

My heart thudded weakly in my chest as I reached to the bedside table where I knew the old nurse would have put my glasses. Like I said, it wasn’t exactly my first stay there.

I slipped my glasses on and opened my mouth to make a snarky and charming comment to Lily Evans when I stopped, my mouth frozen open as I realized that it was not in fact Lily Evans who stood at the end of my bed, but my girlfriend Carly Carrington.

Or… My very, very mad girlfriend.

“Ah! You’re awake!” Madam Pomfrey cried, rushing to my side and unscrewing gray bottle on the table. She poured some foul-looking liquid into a glass, which she offered to me. “Drink this. Come on, we don’t have all day!”

I took the glass gingerly and without letting myself think twice, swallowed the contents of the glass in one gulp. Ugh, it tasted like troll bogies.

Not that I knew what those tasted like…

“You stay still,” Madam Pomfrey fussed, pushing me back down onto my pillow when I tried to sit up. The pain in my chest gave a sharp twinge and I sank back down onto the bed without a fight. What on earth happened to me?

“I’ll need to change your bandage,” Madam Pomfrey clucked, lifting my shirt up over my chest (despite my feeble protests) to reveal a long white bandage taped diagonally across my front. Seriously, was I in a knife fight or something?

“Not too long, Miss Carrington. He needs to rest,” The nurse turned her stern eyes on Carly who gave a small nod.

The nurse bustled away and I let my shirt fall back down with a sigh. Celia was still standing at the end of my bed, staring at me with an impassive expression on her face. Oy… whatever happened, it must have been bad.

“Hey…?” I said tentatively when Carly didn’t speak.

“Care to tell me what happened last night?” Carly said in a carefully measured voice. Her arms were folded across her chest and her normally warm brown eyes were cold and hard as she stared at me.

“Err… I was kind of hoping you’d tell me,” I said, gingerly pushing myself into a sitting position. I winced slightly as long cut on my chest sent a sharp jolt of pain through me. 

Carly sniffed and shifted her weight, keeping her dark eyes trained on me as if waiting for some grand explanation. I was stumped.

“Ok, really, what happened? Why am I here?” I asked and I was sure that my confusion must have read on my face. Why was she so angry with me? What did I do?

“Please, like you even need to ask,” Carly huffed, her stern expression faltering slightly. “The entire school’s talking about it. How you were snogging Lily Evans in the dungeons last night when Severus Snape caught you and hexed you so badly you nearly died.”

“I was snogging Evans?” I choked, sitting bold upright and immediately double over as my chest seared with pain. I drew in a sharp breath as I eased myself back onto the pillows.  

“James!” Carly shrieked, dropping her arms, a hint of hysteria edging into her voice. “Care to tell me just why you were snogging some other girl? Her of all people!”

“First of all,” I winced, relaxing myself into a more comfortable sitting position. “I have no idea what you’re even talking about. I don’t remember a bloody thing after lunch yesterday… it was yesterday, right?”

Carly scowled and I took that for a yes.

“Secondly,” I continued. “How accurate is your information? Because I’m pretty sure if I’d snogged Lily Evans, I would actually be dead right now because there’s no way in hell she’d ever let me live after that.”

Carly chewed on her lip for a moment and I knew that she was debating the validity of her story. Hogwarts rumors usually only had about an ounce of truth to them anyways… but would I ever find out what actually happened? Her story seemed a bit far-fetched if you ask me…

“Look,” Carly said after a minute, her expression returning to indifferent. “I’m not sure what to believe. There are a lot of stories going around right now. But they’re all saying basically the same thing… that Severus Snape saw you kissing Lily Evans in the dungeons and got mad and hexed you.”

“Carls,” I said, trying to make my voice as tender as I could. I hated that she was so upset about this. Frustrated as I was that I had no recollection of what happened, I would feel even worse if what she was saying was actually true. “I have no idea what really happened yesterday. But believe me, if I’d known what I was doing… nothing would have happened. I want you…. No one else.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” Carly said quietly, dropping her chocolate brown eyes to the floor. My gut twisted with guilt. “And every time you say it, I turn around and find you running off with Evans again.”

“Carls, I’m not—“

“Save it, James,” Carly held up a hand calmly. Her eyes flickered up to meet mine and they held a kind of accepted sadness in them. “I’m not going to waste my time with you if you don’t really want to be with me.”

“Carly, I want to—“

“I just need a bit of time,” Carly cut me off again, shaking her head and backing away slowly away from my bed. “And I think you do, too. Just think on it. And feel better, alright? I’ll talk to you in a few days. I just… I need some time. ”

“Carly, no—“

But she was gone from the infirmary before I could even finish my sentence. I stared after her blankly, barely able to register what had just happened.

We hadn’t broken up… at least I didn’t think we had. But what did she need time for? In my mind, I hadn’t cheated on her. It didn’t count as cheating if I honest to Merlin couldn’t remember it, right?

And why couldn’t I remember what happened? I squeezed my eyes closed and concentrated what little energy I had on trying to remember… but nothing came to me. All I could remember was making the love potion in Potions class and then going to lunch…

“Merlin’s beard,” I hissed, letting my head flop back onto my pillow. I didn’t even wince as my head thunked against the hard wooden headboard.

The love potion.

If what Carly said was true, and I actually had snogged Lily Evans in the dungeons then a love potion would make complete sense… except there’s no way Lily would ever slip me a love potion.

Unless it wasn’t Lily… My friends and Lily’s would have found that a very amusing prank to pull.

I groaned and sank even farther down into my bed, wanting nothing more than for the earth to swallow me up whole.

I would have to explain all this to Carly if Madam Pomfrey ever let me out of this infernal bed. I felt wretched as I replayed my conversation with Carly in my head. Why was it that she always seemed to get the rotten end of things? True, I was the one in the hospital wing with a nearly hacked off torso, but Carly was one who actually got hurt by all this.

Despite what people (i.e. my friends) thought, I actually cared about her. Sirius was under the impression that my feelings for Carly were fleeting, something I would get over soon and move on to the next one. But it wasn’t like that with her.

She was different. She was beautiful of course, but she was also smart— incredibly smart, and funny. Merlin, that girl could tell a joke. And she had this infectious laugh… I couldn’t help but laugh whenever she did. And the way her chocolate eyes twinkled when she smiled… not that she’d had much cause to smile lately. That was my fault.

If I was lucky enough, she might forgive me for this whole mess. And I would make it up to her… of course, she deserved better than me, but I’d damn well try. I was lucky to have her, really.

So no more nonsense. No more stupid, foolish pranks. No more messing around. No more… no more what? No more Lily? What would I do, cut her out of my life? We’d finally struck a balance, although I’m not sure how that fared after last night if what Carly said was true.

I sighed into the sterile hospital pillow. It was going to be a rough couple of days.

“James?” a tentative voice jerked me from my reverie and I nearly laughed out loud at the irony of Lily Evans turning up at that precise moment.

I sat up and my stomach twinged a bit as Lily came into view around the white curtains, though I chalked that up to my injury.  I knew for a fact that Lily didn’t care about me that way, so why should I waste my time pining after her when I had Carly?

Lily’s hands were playing idly with a loose thread at the hem of her dark blue jumper and she eyed me anxiously as she came to a stop at the end of my bed. It looked like she hadn’t slept at all last night. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was tangled in a few places.

“Are… are you alright?” She asked quietly as if anything louder would physically hurt me.

“I’m fine,” I shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s just a scratch.”

I almost smiled as Lily visibly held back an eye-roll. She blinked slowly and then sat down on the end of my bed.

“I’m so sorry,” Lily burst, speaking so quickly that that I had to concentrate to catch all her words. “Everything was just happening so fast and I couldn’t control anything and I couldn’t stop him and…and…”

Lily broke off with a quiet sob that she stifled with the sleeve of her sweater and I couldn’t help but be reminded of the last time she cried in front of me. But that was the last thing I wanted to think about at the moment.

“It’s alright,” I said, reaching out a comforting hand to her, but she shied away from me, pushing herself off the bed.

“It’s not alright,” She contradicted me, resting her hands on the footboard of the bed frame. “Mary and Amy feel absolutely horrible. It was them who put the love potion in your drinks.”

So it had been a love potion. My eyebrows lifted in surprise at the news that it had been Lily’s friends who had dealt the potion and then furrowed them as I realized Lily had referred to multiple drinks…

Lily sensed my question and answered before I could even ask.

“Remus, Peter, and Sirius all got doses, too” said Lily evenly. “Mares and Amy thought it would be funny to have all of you chasing after me all day. Of course it wasn’t. It was horrible. I think Pete went into shock after I talked to him during Herbology and I was able to get Remus and Sirius to Professor Slughorn for the antidote before they did any real damage.”

“And… me?” I asked tentatively, not sure if I wanted to hear her answer. I was terrified of what I might have said to her in my love-induced state. And even more terrified of her reaction to what I might have said to her.

“You were… a little more difficult than the others,” Lily said slowly, dropping her eyes.

“Bloody hell,” I muttered, Lily’s words confirming my fears. Lily looked slightly stung by my reaction but she shook it off quickly.

“James, I’m sorry,” Lily said quietly, her voice breaking slightly. She let her hands fall to her side and gazed up at me with a gut-wrenchingly hopeless expression. “You must hate me after all this… I really did try to stop them. If I’d have known what they were planning—“

“You think I’m mad at you?” I interrupted her incredulously and her mouth pulled down in a frown.      

“Aren’t you?” She asked, her eyebrows pulling together.

I sighed and leaned my head back against the bedframe. “No. I’m not mad at you. I’m… mad at myself. Carly won’t even talk to me after what happened. It’s my own bloody fault… if I hadn’t been such a terrible boyfriend to her lately, she probably wouldn’t be so mad.”

“Of all the things that happened,” Lily said quietly, her face tight with some expression I couldn’t identify, “You’re most upset because Carly won’t talk to you now?”

I nodded glumly and saw Lily let out a breath, wincing like she’d just been punched in the stomach. I wondered if Snape had hexed her, too… I would have to find out the full story from the Marauders. I was sure Lily wouldn’t want to go into detail about that particular bit.

“I’ll let you rest… I just wanted to make sure you were ok,” Lily said quickly, taking a few steps backwards away from my bed before turning abruptly and marching out of the infirmary.

My afternoon was filled with other visitors. Amy and Mary rushed in shortly after Lily left and spouted apologies for a good half hour before Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office to force feed me more of what I was convinced was poison. The girls were still apologizing when the old nurse had to physically remove them from the infirmary.

The Marauders were allowed to stay for a good long while as Madam Pomfrey was quite fond of Remus (and couldn’t resist Sirius’s charm). I got the full story from them, including Remus and Sirius’s epic slapping match in the corridor over who got Lily.

Sirius and Remus had been on the scene when Slughorn found Lily and I, deserted by that bloody Death-eater in the corridor and had heard her recount the nights events to the potions professor.

It was more than I could take, Snape professing his love for her, though I was inexplicably pleased that she had acted as though he’d gotten some love potion too. Apparently Lily hadn’t been keen to elaborate on happened with Snape to Slughorn, though she had begrudgingly admitted to Sirius and Remus after they’d left the hospital wing that he’d called her a mudblood… again.

I had nearly jumped out of my bed by this point, determined to strangle that greasy git’s neck, but Sirius had calmly pushed me back down onto my bed with the comforting fact that Slughorn had given Severus two solid months of detention and the promise that we’d pull a prank on him as soon as I was better. All in all, their visit definitely cheered me up, and it was a relief to finally understand what happened, though none of them could really understand why I cared so much about Carly’s unsympathetic reaction to the situation.

“Any girl who gets that offended at something that happened while you were under a love potion is just too high maintenance if you ask me” Sirius shrugged when I voiced my concerns.

“Well, I did snog some other girl,” I said reasonably, to which Sirius simply shrugged again, as if he didn’t see any problem with that. “And she doesn’t know that it was because of a love potion.”

“I say if she wants to go, let her go,” Sirius said with a bored roll of his silver eyes.

“Look, Prongs,” Remus said, elbowing Sirius in the stomach, obviously annoyed by his indifference. “If she means that much to you, you’ll find a way to make it up to her.”

“Thanks,” I muttered glumly, not particularly inspired by this bit of advice.

“You’ll think of something,” Peter clapped his hand on my shoulder. “You always do.”

Sirius, however, quickly became bored with my worries about Carly and changed the subject to the birthday party we were still planning for Lily Evans. My gut twisted slightly at this, knowing it wouldn’t help my case with Carls that I was quickly becoming close friends with the girl she thought I’d cheated on her with. Twice.

I let my friends babble on and on about the music, what type of whiskey they should get, and whether the party should be in the common room or the Room of Requirement while my mind wandered again to Carly. Before long, Madam Pomfrey was ushering my friends from the infirmary with the promise that they could come back later and I was ordered to try and get some sleep, an edict I was more than glad to obey.

As Sirius and Peter left the infirmary, I reached out to pull Remus back. He was the most understanding of my friends and I trusted that he wouldn’t give out to me for what I was about to ask him to do.

“Could you possibly fetch me a book from the library?” I asked, trying to keep my voice down. I noticed Peter and Sirius waiting at the door for Remus looking impatient.

“Sure,” Remus frowned slightly, puzzled by my request. “What book is it?”

“Erm… promise you won’t laugh?” I muttered and Remus raised one quizzical eyebrow.

“Alright,” he said in an amused voice. “I promise.”

I hesitated and then reached over to the table beside my bed, tearing off a corner of a napkin and writing down the book title. I shoved it into Remus’s hand, trying to keep my face from reddening.

Remus glanced down to read the title and snorted. I flashed him a glare.

“You promised not to laugh,” I reminded him acidly.

“Well, it’s funny,” Remus chuckled. “What on earth do you want with this book?”

“Just get it, alright?” I said hastily, shooing him away with my hands. “And don’t let Sirius see. I’d never hear the end of it.”

Remus gave a quiet laugh again and tucked the paper into his pocket, joining Sirius and Peter as they left the infirmary.

I sank back down on the bed, trying to force all the noisy thoughts from my head so I could get some sleep.

I enjoyed the easy emptiness my mind assumed as my eyes fluttered closed and sleep washed over me, my last coherent thought being one of hope that everything would somehow be fixed and back to normal when I awoke next.

It wasn’t, of course. My head throbbed when I finally awoke and I noticed a fuzzy figure waiting at the end of my bed… a figure with vibrant red hair. Well, I couldn’t make the same mistake twice. I grabbed my glasses off the table and without waiting to put them on said, “Carls, I’m so glad you’re—“

But I snapped my mouth shut when I saw that I’d gotten it wrong… again. Lily Evans stood at the foot of my bed, her jaw clenched slightly at my wrong assumption and her vivid green eyes were oddly flat and devoid of any emotion. She looked ever worse than the last time I saw her.

“Sorry,” I muttered, lifting myself into a sitting position. “Without my glasses you look just like—“

“Carly,” Lily finished for me, her voice just as lifeless as her eyes. After having heard the full story from the Marauders, it made much more sense to me why Lily was a bit morose. Having been called a mudblood for the second time by her supposed best friend must have been quite a blow.

Lily hesitated for a moment, then thrust out her hand. In it was a small square of parchment, folded twice and sealed with a piece of spell-o-tape.

“What’s this?” I asked, taking the parchment carefully from her. She let her hand fall back to her side listlessly.

“It’s from Carly,” Lily said in a carefully measured voice.

I raised my eyebrows questioningly at her. Since when were Lily and Carly on such good terms that she would trust Lily to give me a letter?

“I… I ran into her in the library,” Lily explained slowly. “She was in a terrible rush… she was tutoring someone and running late. So she asked me if I could give this to you…”

“What’s it say?” I asked, turning the small square of paper over in my hands. I didn’t want to open it… I was scared of what it might say.

“I’m just the messenger, James,” Lily said quietly, her emerald eyes dropping to the floor. “I didn’t read it.”

I slid my finger under the spell-o-tape and ripped it open, unfolding the parchment carefully.

           James,

            I’m so sorry I got mad at you earlier. One of your friends told me it was a love potion you were under… I feel terrible for yelling at you. When you get out of the infirmary, come find me and we’ll do something special, just us.

Feel better,

            Carly

 I let out a sigh of relief at the letter and I saw Lily’s eyes close for a moment, as if her suspicions were confirmed.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, then,” Lily said when I folded the parchment up and placed it on the bedside table. Lily turned to leave and stopped at the foot of my bed, staring at something with an odd expression.

She turned her eyes back to me and bit her lip.

“Er… James,” she said, glancing back down at my covers. “What on earth is this?”

She pointed to something resting on the bed and I sat up so I could see over the lump my feet created. A book was laying on the covers… the book I’d asked Remus to get. I felt my stomach drop and my face redden.

A smile tugged on Lily’s mouth as she picked up the book and turned it over in her hands.

“Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches?” Lily read off the cover, turning back to me with a smile, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Bloody hell,” I muttered, sinking back into my pillows. Trust Remus to leave it right out in the open… stupid werewolf.

“Sorry, but what do you need a book like this for?” Lily asked, her eyes scanning the back cover of the book where she could read a preview of what the book held.

I sat up and quickly snatched the book from her hands, shoving it under my pillow.

“If you must know,” I said stiffly, full of embarrassment, “I’m just trying to think of a way to make it up to Carly.”

“Well, you’re not going to find anything in that book,” Lily sniggered, nodding towards the lump under my pillow.

“Oh? And how do you know?” I folded my arms across my chest crossly. Even after everything that happened last night, that girl could get under my skin.

“James,” Lily sighed, sinking down onto my bed. “Romance isn’t something you can learn from a book… trust me on that, I’ve read nearly every book in the library and I still don’t know the first thing about love.”

“Well… but you’re a girl,” I faltered, not sure if what I was about to ask was a good idea or not.

“I’d say that’s an accurate assessment,” Lily rolled her eyes at me.

“I just mean…” I paused, looking for the right words. “The Marauders aren’t very good with this kind of stuff and I don’t really have any other girl-type friends I can talk to…”

“So you want my advice about Carly?” Lily asked incredulously, her eyes going oddly flat again.

“If you… if you don’t mind?” I said, absurdly aware of just how awkward this was.

“Oh, James… I don’t really know anything about relationships,” Lily said uneasily, her fingers twisting together in her lap.

“That’s ok,” I said quickly, sitting completely upright. “I just need your opinion, that’s all. As a girl.”

Lily considered this for a moment, her eyes searching my face before she sighed, “Alright. Fine.”

“It’s just… I want to do something special for her when I get out of the hospital wing, to make it up to her. But I have no idea what to do…Hence, the book…” I explained hastily, hoping Lily wouldn’t change her mind about helping me and dash out of here.

Lily stared at me for a moment as if she were trying to decide something in her head and after a moment she sighed and dropped her eyes from my face. Merlin, I really wish I could know what she was thinking sometimes… Was she still just upset about what happened with Snape? Or was there something more?

“If you want to do something really romantic,” Lily said after a moment.  “Then you don’t need to plan a huge production, and you don’t need a book to tell you what to do. Just go with your gut… spontaneity is always good, but honestly just take her somewhere where you two can be alone. Talk to her, listen to her… maybe do dinner, but nothing too fancy. Some girls… me, at least anyways, like simplicity.”

I clung to her every word, trying to imagine in my head what she was describing. I could take her to the astronomy tower… or the room of requirement maybe.

“Am I just supposed to talk to her for several hours? Won’t that be boring?” I asked and Lily raised her eyebrows at me.

“You’re kind of clueless sometimes,” Lily shook her head solemnly at me. “There are other things to do besides talking, aren’t there?”

“Oh…” I breathed as I realized what she meant. “So, take her somewhere nice, maybe dinner… then snog her brains out?”

Lily wrinkled her nose at my crudeness.

“Well, don’t just pounce on her,” Lily rolled her eyes.

“Come on, Evans,” I sat up straighter in my bed and she glanced up at me. “I do the cheesy, charming stuff, not the romantic stuff. I mean… I’ve had dates. And then I’ve had dates, if you know what I mean. But I want this to actually mean something. … What if it were you?”

Wow, bad choice of words. Lily’s eyes widened at my words and I quickly tried to recover.

“I just mean… what would you want, you know, if you were on… on a date,” I stumbled over my words, mentally kicking myself for being such an idiot.

Lily chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before scooting herself slightly closer to me on the bed. She glanced up at the ceiling for a few seconds as if trying to decide whether she could actually help me with this or not, then looked back at me with a carefully guarded expression. Talking about this kind of stuff must make her think of Alex, or even Snape… that was probably why she was so reluctant.

“Well,” Lily started, hesitating slightly. “If it were me, I’d want you to… to…“

Lily let out a slow breath and let her eyes fall closed as if she were replaying a memory in her head, perhaps of a time when she had been with Alex...

“I’d want you to catch me off guard,” Lily said quietly. “With like, a really good kiss. You know, one of those kind that makes your heart stop. Soft at first… but with that promise that something amazing could happen.”

Lily lifted her eyes to meet mine and her emerald green irises danced in the sunlight filtering through the windows.

“And then maybe you’d look into my eyes, like I’m the only girl you’d ever seen,” Lily breathed, and I felt my own breath catch in my chest as she gazed at me. All I could see was her… No. Carly. All I could see was Carly. Merlin, what was wrong with me today?

“Maybe you’d brush the hair away from my face,” Lily said quietly, reaching one of her hands up and idly sweeping her red locks away from her pale face. “And pull me close… and… and…”

I let myself get lost in her words, picturing in my head everything she said. Except the redheaded girl in my mind wasn’t Carly… it was still Lily. But that was only because it was her talking. It didn’t mean anything. It would be different when I was with Carly…

Lily had let her sentence drift off but I was sure we were both imagining what would happen next… Her eyes dropped from my face and I had the inexplicable urge to reach a hand out to lift her face back up to mine… anything to see those eyes again. I could smell the lavender scent from her hair as I leaned slightly closer to her. I was straining to remember kissing her last night… what it must have been like. I wondered if she had kissed me back…

“Alright, you’ve had fifteen minutes, Miss Evans,” Madam Pomfrey appeared around the bed curtains and Lily jumped off the bed like she’d been given an electric shock. “Now, out! He needs to take his medicine and rest some more.”

Lily sent me one last wide-eyed look, as if she were horrified at how close we’d just gotten to… no, nothing. Nothing would have happened.  

She disappeared around the curtain and as her footsteps faded in the hall I sank back onto my pillow, my breath escaping me in a whoosh. Carly’s letter glared at me from where it sat on the table and my stomach twisted with guilt.

Carly was my girlfriend and I knew I should only have eyes for her… so why couldn’t I get Lily Evans out of my head?